He’s in Ukrainian Army

she’s in Territory Defence

only a month ago

they were kissing in metro

crossing

squares and Dnipro

kyiv’s quiet

safely gut.

She’s putting on

army belt and boots

assault vest

hiding her tiny flesh

heavy arms are on her

and tactical stuff

awaiting for silence

and night.

He’s putting on

army boots and vest

sky is clear

like of nylon

wind wildly long

a thing is known by the crow

there is a forest bow

where the enemy might hide.

The guys are in village

holding the line

he reloads

the chamber with cartridge

and leaves the field

walking to the plateau

the apostle Peter

is awaiting us all.

He’s in Ukrainian Army

she’s in Territory Defence

And here is the original:

Він в ЗСУ

вона в ТРО

місяць тому

цілувались в метро

перетинали

площі й Дніпро

києва тихе

спокійно нутро.

Вона одягає

піксель і берці

розгрузка ховає

малесенькі плечі

на ній важка зброя

тактичні речі

чекає на тишу

і на вечір.

Він одягає

берці і броник

небо прозоре

наче з капрону

вітер нестямний

знає щось ворон

можливо у лісі

ховається ворог.

Хлопці в селі

трима оборону

він досилає

у патронник патрон

і виходить із поля

іде на плато

чекає на наших

апостол Петро.

Він в ЗСУ

вона в ТРО.

Pages: 1 2

14 responses to “Translating Poetry”

  1. Robert Basil Avatar

    Wow, wonderful and powerful poem, terrific translation, and you are right about the rhyming. – Bob

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Clarissa Avatar

      Thank you! I hope the publishers get it and go with my version.

      The other poems look downright Google-translated.

      Like

  2. Demotrash Avatar
    Demotrash

    It bothers me when people mess up the rhyme or meter for the same of a “literal” translation. The rhyme and meter are just as integral to a poem as the specific words, if not more so.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Clarissa Avatar

      Exactly. The original rhymes, so why should we treat the poem like a text message and get rid of the actual poetry part?

      Like

      1. cliff arroyo Avatar

        “The original rhymes, so why should we treat the poem like a text message”

        My ideal for poetry is more than one translation. One more literal (while still sounding like poetry in the target language) not worrying about meter and rhyme and one that matches meter and rhyme (and the general sense though literal meanings might be lost).

        But this seems to be a minority view….

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Clarissa Avatar

          I love rhyme. For me, if it doesn’t rhyme and tell a story, I can’t enjoy it.

          I hope Jonathan isn’t reading it because he’ll think I’m very primitive. And so I am in what concerns poetry.

          Like

    2. methylethyl Avatar

      Oh, you would *love* the wonderful world of people trying to translate Orthodox music into English from Greek 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  3. cliff arroyo Avatar

    “Under the break (or on page 2 in some browsers), I placed the original translation”

    I’m not seeing that….

    Like

    1. Clarissa Avatar

      Under the post, there are little figures 1, 2. Press 2. I’m really eager to see what you think of the initial translation.

      Like

  4. cliff arroyo Avatar

    “eager to see what you think of the initial translation”

    Does not have your flair and very weird choices ‘gut’ ‘stuff’… I don’t mind literal translations but it still needs to feel like poetry and it…. doesn’t and things that might be acceptable if it did sound like poetry (wonky articles) just stand out as all the more awkward…

    I’m not proud of how long it look me to figure out a cognate of nutro….

    I’m very curious about the connotations of particular words in Ukrainian, especially “Хлопці”. “guys” is so inexpressive in English but not sure what else could work….

    I absolutely agree with ‘raven’ instead of ‘crow’

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Clarissa Avatar

      Raven! The literary history behind the word alone makes it worth using.

      I waver between Google Translate and a very Ukrainian translator who never heard about the existence of articles. There were six poems altogether, and they all either lacked articles altogether or spread them around in weird ways.

      Nutro, though. Nutrition! I just made the connection, and it’s giving me joy.

      Like

  5.  Avatar
    Anonymous

    I don’t read Ukrainian or understand it but I’d love to hear a reading of the poem. Do you know how to add an audio file to a post?

    Amanda

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Clarissa Avatar

      If people are eager to hear me recite the poem, I’d be happy to do it.

      Like

  6. cliff arroyo Avatar

    “If people are eager to hear me recite the poem”

    Так, будь ласка.

    Liked by 1 person

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A conservative literary critic and college professor