Maksym Kryvtsov is a Ukrainian poet killed by the Russians in January. I am helping a Ukrainian publisher (not mine but also a very good one) to put out a translation of his poetry into English. Here is my favorite poem:
He’s in the Armed Forces
she’s in Territorial Defense
they were kissing in the subway
it’s been only a month since
crossing
squares and river Dnipro
Kyiv’s quiet and peaceful core.
She puts on
her army boots and the uniform
the vest is concealing
her slight form
heavy weaponry
tactical meaning
she’s waiting for a quiet evening.
He puts on
his army boots and armament
the sky’s so clear
it’s transparent
the wind is crazy
and the raven knows,
enemy’s hiding
somewhere close.
Guys in the village
holding the line
while he reloads
his gun,
leaving the field of losses
and heading to the cross hill
where for our boys is waiting
Peter the Apostle.
She’s in Territorial Defense he’s in the Armed Forces.
Under the break (or on page 2 in some browsers), I placed the original translation. It doesn’t preserve the rhyme, and I hate to lose the rhyme because it changes the poem completely.
Clarissa's Blog 
Wow, wonderful and powerful poem, terrific translation, and you are right about the rhyming. – Bob
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Thank you! I hope the publishers get it and go with my version.
The other poems look downright Google-translated.
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It bothers me when people mess up the rhyme or meter for the same of a “literal” translation. The rhyme and meter are just as integral to a poem as the specific words, if not more so.
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Exactly. The original rhymes, so why should we treat the poem like a text message and get rid of the actual poetry part?
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“The original rhymes, so why should we treat the poem like a text message”
My ideal for poetry is more than one translation. One more literal (while still sounding like poetry in the target language) not worrying about meter and rhyme and one that matches meter and rhyme (and the general sense though literal meanings might be lost).
But this seems to be a minority view….
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I love rhyme. For me, if it doesn’t rhyme and tell a story, I can’t enjoy it.
I hope Jonathan isn’t reading it because he’ll think I’m very primitive. And so I am in what concerns poetry.
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Oh, you would *love* the wonderful world of people trying to translate Orthodox music into English from Greek 😀
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“Under the break (or on page 2 in some browsers), I placed the original translation”
I’m not seeing that….
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Under the post, there are little figures 1, 2. Press 2. I’m really eager to see what you think of the initial translation.
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“eager to see what you think of the initial translation”
Does not have your flair and very weird choices ‘gut’ ‘stuff’… I don’t mind literal translations but it still needs to feel like poetry and it…. doesn’t and things that might be acceptable if it did sound like poetry (wonky articles) just stand out as all the more awkward…
I’m not proud of how long it look me to figure out a cognate of nutro….
I’m very curious about the connotations of particular words in Ukrainian, especially “Хлопці”. “guys” is so inexpressive in English but not sure what else could work….
I absolutely agree with ‘raven’ instead of ‘crow’
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Raven! The literary history behind the word alone makes it worth using.
I waver between Google Translate and a very Ukrainian translator who never heard about the existence of articles. There were six poems altogether, and they all either lacked articles altogether or spread them around in weird ways.
Nutro, though. Nutrition! I just made the connection, and it’s giving me joy.
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I don’t read Ukrainian or understand it but I’d love to hear a reading of the poem. Do you know how to add an audio file to a post?
Amanda
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If people are eager to hear me recite the poem, I’d be happy to do it.
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“If people are eager to hear me recite the poem”
Так, будь ласка.
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