My Research Group

I started participating in a research group with 30+ scholars from Spain and France. We met on Zoom yesterday to discuss our research projects. The meeting started with everybody introducing themselves. People said their name, where they worked, and what their current research project was. Because that’s what we gathered for. To do research. So everybody explained their research.

Except me.

I said my name and that I’m department Chair. Nothing about research. The scholar who organized the group and invited me gave me a bemused look because he knows my scholarship. I have significantly more publications and of greater weight than anybody else in the group. Including him. He’s somebody who develops my ideas in his writing, which is how we met.

But I couldn’t squeeze it out. Sixteen years of keeping it all in at work, pretending I’m very small, that I’m just like everybody else. I was attending the meeting from my office, and my work persona took over. And at work I’m not somebody who reads, writes, and publishes.

Please understand that I’m not blaming anyone for this. This is an issue of my personal psychology and my own individual responsibility. I’m sharing this because this is my sharing space and because I want people to know that the opposite of the imposter syndrome exists. I don’t fear that others will think I’m not good enough. I fear they will notice that I am.