Mess on the floor, guests are coming.
You tell your five year old to clean up her mess.
She doesn’t.
You threaten and try to persuade.
She doesn’t.
Seems everyone responding to me would just beat her up.
I wouldn’t, but let’s say I do.
She still doesn’t and is now just screaming.https://x.com/NateLF4/status/1921426644671098925?t=Z7cBkCxuZHO4im8By4r8aA&s=19
Poor dude, seriously. My heart goes out.
This “she refuses to do what I say at 5” should not be a thing. It’s downright dangerous because if there’s a need to leave, duck, stop, turn around, etc to avoid physical danger, a child should know to follow commands without starting a debate. Heavy traffic, airport, a vagrant acting erratically, a crush of people at the mall, a sudden tornado warning – there are many situations where it’s crucial for a child to obey immediate directions.
Plus, it’s not good for a child to witness an internally chaotic, anxious dad. Or mom, obviously.
The issue this man describes does not arise from anything he can say to the child or any “parenting technique.” It comes from how he feels inside. If he feels calm and authoritative, this won’t happen.
The girl in the story doesn’t mind cleaning. She minds a weak parent who is not the head of the pack (cf. how cleaning is needed not because it’s necessary for the family but because guests are coming. ) She’s acting up because the lack of a strong, calm parent is causing her anxiety. It’s a survival mechanism.
Threaten, persuade – these are strategies of the weak. The strategy adjusts automatically once you adjust who you are. The father needs to ask himself why “guests are coming” makes him shrink inside. Therein lies the cure.
Of course, different ages demand different things. It’s good for a child to obey immediately at 5 but not great at 15 (and terrible at 20). As with absolutely every physiological function, the parent gradually hands it back to the child. By 15, the child should have her own inner authority to leave a situation with, for example, an aggressive vagrant. Or a sexually demanding boy. By 20, cleaning her own space should be an internal need. None of this happens through exhortations or lectures. It only comes from growing a non-chaotic inner space. A well-ordered lower bulb.
Clarissa's Blog 
New pope on AI:
https://www.theverge.com/news/664719/pope-leo-xiv-artificial-intelligence-concerns
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I’m really warming to him, to be honest. Yes, he’s not great on national borders but he’s good on other things. I think he’s less leftist than Francis, for sure, which is already good.
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Too soon to say much this early, but I’m liking him so far, and not just because he’s from the Midwest!
Anecdotally, every Catholic I know likes the choice, and I know Catholics from a very broad ideological spectrum. If nothing else he’s a unifying figure.
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This is so funny.
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Sibling dynamics are great that way: designated id and designated superego is a pretty common thing 😀
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Well with a 5 year old, I don’t think it’s quite as simple as you say…..5 year olds are frequently more compliant when they are out in an unfamiliar environment than they are in the comfort and safety of their own homes. Plus, 5 year olds get tired, hungry, bored, lose focus etc. There are lots of reasons why they may not be great about picking up some toys. And there are lots of solutions to this. One of the easiest is something like .”Lets do it together! You put a toy away and then Mommy puts a toy away.” And pepper in complements, lots of thanks etc. It might take a little longer but it gets done.
Regardless, the OP is correct in that the response is absolutely not to hit the child. I can’t believe that a sizable group of people actually think that hitting a 5 year old is an acceptable thing to do. I find that the most disturbing part of the whole conversation.
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Usually (at least for us) the problem was just too many toys. We solved it by putting all the toys in storage bins, inaccessible, giving 5yo a small toy basket that he could stock with 10 toys of his choice, from storage. He can swap them out whenever he wants, but no more than ten at a time, because that’s about what he can manage to clean up by himself without melting down. More than that is too much, he (and we!) look at the mess, get overwhelmed, and give up before starting.
So… for us it was usually not a problem of anxious parent OR discipline or anything like that. Just too much stuff and overwhelm.
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It is not really a problem of five year olds, the problem erupts in puberty, every boy, and a couple of girls, in my grade six or seven got a visit to the vice principal, Not only for the painful straps on your hand, but far, far worse, the humiliating note explaining your offence to your parents, where most of us faced a more serious penalty. Tough love, really, compared to Ritalin, Concerta, and the like?
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Not advocating for beating children here, but…
agreed that when you get into parenting habits that mean your 5yo does not respond to direct commands, this is a problem that *must* be solved, for the safety and well-being of everyone involved. There are any number of ways to solve it, but being frustrated and *failing* to solve it is a disaster waiting to happen. Witnessing it firsthand with families who go heavy into the “gentle parenting” cult. It’s quite terrifying watching parents try to deal with a *preschooler* who literally runs directly out into the road any time caregiver looks away for 3 seconds… by talking to that child about their feelings.
Like OK you don’t want to emotionally traumatize your child by yelling, or swatting them, but… apparently you’re OK with them getting run over by a car instead?
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Actually, taking that shameful note back to your parents was far worse and thus far more effective than anything else. But frankly, given the negative, and often long term effects, of chemical “solution”s…
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