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Q&A about a Bad Husband

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Clarissa

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I’m so sorry! This is terrible. He sounds like a right jerk. Only you know the specifics of your situation but here are some general rules:

  1. Never have sex with him again no matter how much of a good idea it feels like at any given point.
  2. Don’t direct inner monologues at him or to others about him. Train yourself forcibly out of that habit. Interrupt the inner monologue whenever it begins.
  3. Occupy yourself as much as possible, start a new project. Ideally, something you do with your hands.
  4. Don’t try to live your children’s psychic life for them. This will be a fact of their lives, and they will come to terms with it in a way that makes sense to them. This is not for you to manage or direct. Which should be a relief because I’m sure you are overwhelmed as it is.
  5. Be kind to yourself.

You need to preserve yourself, preserve your sanity. Your kids need it and you need it. Any segment of the day that you can claw back from being about this man and this situation is a gain.

Once again, I’m very sorry. This is a terrible thing to happen.

10 responses to “Q&A about a Bad Husband”

  1. oldcowboy3 Avatar
    oldcowboy3

    Kid, agreed that it a terrible thing to break a family apart expecially when there are children involved. I have seen far too much of it in my extended family and close friends. And because of the almost certain serious consequences, we might, just might, want to hear the other half of the story before rendering any judgement

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      I’m very opposed to marital infidelity. I can be very understanding of all sorts of things but once there’s infidelity, that’s it, you are the bad person in the relationship, no matter what the other did.

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      1. oldcowboy3 Avatar
        oldcowboy3

        Clarissa, I am not supporting the breach of any of the marital vows, let alone infidelity. But there are more than two humans involved here, and the impacts of divorce continue for generations. This is not my first rodeo, we have had several truly ugly interventions with a damaged grand niece, and two nephews that run through women like they are not fellow human beings.

        In the bad old days before feminism buggered it up, divorce was not only difficult, but it took several years — and for good reason, given time, the errant couple often forgave each other because their kids were so obviously being harmed.

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        1. Clarissa Avatar
          Clarissa

          I agree 100% that two people are always equally guilty in a divorce. But the person who wrote in will take a while to figure it out. Once she does, that will mean she’s ready for a new stage of her life.

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          1. Avatar
            Anonymous

            how do you reconcile “the unfaithful party is the bad person in the relationship” with “both parties are equally guilty in divorce”?

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            1. Clarissa Avatar
              Clarissa

              Tons of people who drive their relationship into the ground are still very good people. Some are wonderful people.

              But individuals who commit marital infidelity are not good people.

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    2. Avatar
      Anonymous

      Agreed. And what might the advice/course of action be if one were to be maximally charitable to the husband involved?

      -original question writer

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      1. Clarissa Avatar
        Clarissa

        Is he asking to be taken back, though? How can you be charitable when a person isn’t asking for anything?

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        1. cliff arroyo Avatar
          cliff arroyo

          “How can you be charitable when a person isn’t asking for anything?”

          He’s asking for an end to the relationship. So… that’s easy. Grant it and mean it. Do not ask for explanations and decline to listen to them. He made his decision and doesn’t get to turn back time.

          Does he want some kind of blessing? I would lean toward not granting that but I would need more information (which I don’t want) to say more.

          His relationship with the kids is separate now from yours. Discuss him and the reasons for the end of the relationship as little and as neutrally as possible.

          Do not discuss the ‘younger woman’ with the kids (if they ask answer as neutrally as you can).

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          1. Clarissa Avatar
            Clarissa

            I agree. And I also highly recommend avoiding the “but why did he” mentality. It’s very useless and you don’t even begin to move on until the “but I just want to understand” stage is behind you.

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