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Suffocating Love

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Clarissa

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In the poor man’s place, I’d never say anything at all after this. It’s suffocating. Any chance remark turns into an activity. And you have to pose and smile and it’s a social media thing.

Before you say I’m wrong, the guy did run away:

The dude probably went for a deaf woman this time.

I keep imagining myself saying, “huh, nice pic of Colorado, come look”, and then he’s standing there with tickets to Denver, and I wouldn’t cheat because eww, but we’d definitely need a conversation about how not every chance remark needs to carry a consequence.

6 responses to “Suffocating Love”

  1. xykademiqz Avatar
    xykademiqz

    Thank you for saying this. My husband has this tendency to act on my random comments, and then I feel terrible for resenting that he surprises me with shit I barely gave a passing thought to and now I am somehow stuck with. For example, I made a remark at some point about thinking of maybe possibly getting a weighted blanket and now I’ve got a 25 lb monstrosity foisted on me, and I also get to feel guilty for being grouchy about it because on the surface this is thoughtful and attentive husband behavior and I should appreciate it because so many women wish husbands paid this much attention to them… But in reality, WTF? Suffocating is the exact right term for it.

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      One needs to be able to say things without other people interpreting them as a request to have their lives improved. It’s definitely more of a male behavior, and it comes from a good place. I’ve had to explain to my husband that when I share things, it’s not because I want him to do anything about it or need instructions on how to solve the problem. I simply want to share. Men see it as “she’s not fully happy. I need to make her happy.” But I’m not being eaten by rabid wolves in the forest. And I’m not unhappy. I’m simply talking aloud, and no action needs to be taken.

      In the quoted tweet, it’s the woman who took on this very masculine role, and of course the husband went to another woman to reaffirm his masculinity. Which I definitely don’t justify but the mechanism is clear.

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    2. methylethyl Avatar
      methylethyl

      My husband is the romantic in our relationship, and has this tendency, but we solved it: I made it really clear that I just *don’t like surprises* and also I’m bad at guessing what he wants and would rather just ask him for ideas.. We have deals about gift-giving occasions: we discuss ahead of time what would be good options and choose from there, and so far this works well for us.

      Would not, I think, go over well with people who romanticize spontaneity and spousal mind-reading.

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      1. xykademiqz Avatar
        xykademiqz

        I think it’s the magnitude of the surprise that I have an issue with rather than the spontaneity of it. I love small spontaneous gifts, like getting me a trinket or a small accessory or a food/drink I like, or getting tickets for a concert or show we can attend together. Those are always OK and welcome in my book. But don’t get me something big that I’m supposed to use every day without consulting me first because those things have to be exactly how I want them. For example, he decided my bathrobe was old and got me a new one, and it ended up being tight across the chest (ahem) and not as fluffy as my old ratty one. Gifts like that put me in a position where I have to hurt his feelings because I end up not using what he bought me, or else I end up forcing myself to use something I don’t really like so I wouldn’t hurt his feelings. 😫

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  2. Avatar
    Anonymous

    My husband totally ignores all my little comments. He knows that if I really want something, I can just buy for myself. It helps that we both are so busy that there is no time for these things. But I get it, it must be suffocating to have a relationship like that.

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  3. Avatar
    Anonymous

    tbf, my husband is a very thoughtful person who doesn’t just say things without it being a Real Thing he has Carefully Considered and it took awhile for us to find a happy medium where he understood that sometimes I’m just talking in passing, and I understood that when he said something he actually meant it. But then, this couple should learn to do the part where they actually talk about their different ways of managing thoughts (thinking to talk, or talking to think).

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A conservative literary critic and college professor

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