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Q&A about Suicide

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Clarissa

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Dude, this sounds very serious. You need institutional, on-the-ground help. I have no idea what’s available in your area but help is definitely in order.

If you are dealing with an adult who brings up or threatens suicide, you need to shut that down and, ideally, remove yourself from the situation. Threatening suicide is manipulative and shouldn’t be humored. This, of course, is different in the case of a child.

I’m very worried about this boy and I hope there’s help available.

To avoid starting a new post, here’s the type of (adult) person you should always avoid in addition to the performatively suicidal:

  • The terminally unlucky also known as “a walking disaster.” These are people who constantly get in trouble at a rate much higher then normal. They can’t go through the day without injuring themselves, blowing a tire, losing important documents, and experiencing every minor misfortune known to humanity.
  • People whose life strategy is built on devaluing yours.
  • People who try to establish an unequal power dynamic by often offering unsolicited advice.

3 responses to “Q&A about Suicide”

  1. Occasional Reader Avatar
    Occasional Reader

    As Clarissa says, this boy needs help. I hope he gets it.

    My instincts say that he needs a break from his household and his immediate family… a vacation, a temporary stay with a relative….anything that is easy, low stress, and joyful. But then again, I’m not a trained therapist and know that any “sudden movements” can make things worse sometimes. But, I do think that the household and/or destructive habits are the root cause.

    If it were me and I knew a boy like this and was powerless to intervene in his living situation? I would offer to take him on a hike, or a walk, or at least shopping. Something that involves walking….preferably outdoors. And then I would take him out to dinner. I wouldn’t force any uncomfortable conversations. I would keep it light and hopeful and I would make sure that he knew that he mattered to me very much. And if he brought something up? I would listen and not try to fix. And again, let him know that he mattered to me very much and that my door was always open.

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  2. s Avatar
    s

    It’s absolutely the household as far as I can see it, and I’ve reasons to believe it’s the mother (don’t want to get into too much detail, esp identifying ones, on a public forum)

    He’s a couple months over 18, which means there isn’t any public institutional help available except adult mental hospitals I wouldn’t send a dog to. However, some positives are that he’s going to school in a different city than his parents live in (and lives there during the week) and that he has a lot of outdoor hobbies (one of them is how we met). He’s also doing some volunteer stuff that also gets him out of town for days on some weekends/holidays for stuff his parents can’t really oppose. When he’s actually away from his folk for significant periods, his mental health appears to improve dramatically.

    I’m honestly not sure how to get him into private therapy (I could pay for it, he’d never accept it though). I try to get him out of town as much as possible during the weekends, and trying to be an elder female figure in his life that’s stress-lowering – mistakes can be made with me without it either being the end of the world or something that I magnanimously forgive him for, so to say, I’m very honest and open but not self-flagellating about the times when I fuck up (with him or in third-party situations) and I sometimes need help with hobby-related stuff that he can do without great difficulty, so when he’s having an I’m-terrible-for-everyone-in-my-life moment I can honestly say nah, you’ve actually helped me out, here’s the receipts.

    It’s just … as Clarissa said, the situation is serious, and I don’t have many tools available (I live quite far from him, otherwise he’d be welcome on my livingroom couch for as long as he wants to). I think, if he can finish highschool in one piece he’s going to have far more stuff available to help himself (it’d be ideal if he went to college outside the country, and that’s quite possible), but I’m honestly not sure how to get him to the end of the school year.

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    1. cliff arroyo Avatar
      cliff arroyo

      “I’m honestly not sure how”

      My totally unprofessional take…. the best thing you can do is be a reliable friend and convey that the situation at home (no matter how awful it seems at present) is temporary and a potentially better future awaits and how much better depends on him actually being there in the future.

      I don’t mean actually saying those things out loud, but more… modeling them. Make it clear, when and where and how you can, that the household he was born into doesn’t define him and that the best escape is age (I’d add the best revenge is living well but that’s hard to model….)

      Don’t be too openly hostile/judgemental about the household/mother (lest you trigger a defense mechanism) but stress other places he can flourish (also making it clear that’s not automatic and it will time but be worth it).

      I sometimes get students who live pretty far away (by distance and/or inconvenient travel options) from home and usually assume they’re trying to get away from their families (I don’t talk about that of course but a few times I’ve found out by chance that my assumption was… right on the money).

      Out of the country sounds expensive and you might talk up places inside the country that have… awkward/inconvenient travel options to where his household is. The main benefit of being in another country is adding cultural/integration issues to whatever else he has going on and depending on his situation that might be good or disastrous for him (I know of a case of a former student of mine where just a semester abroad… broke them sad and nothing I could do).

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