Mess on the floor, guests are coming.
You tell your five year old to clean up her mess.
She doesn’t.
You threaten and try to persuade.
She doesn’t.
Seems everyone responding to me would just beat her up.
I wouldn’t, but let’s say I do.
She still doesn’t and is now just screaming.
https://x.com/NateLF4/status/1921426644671098925?t=Z7cBkCxuZHO4im8By4r8aA&s=19
Poor dude, seriously. My heart goes out.
This “she refuses to do what I say at 5” should not be a thing. It’s downright dangerous because if there’s a need to leave, duck, stop, turn around, etc to avoid physical danger, a child should know to follow commands without starting a debate. Heavy traffic, airport, a vagrant acting erratically, a crush of people at the mall, a sudden tornado warning – there are many situations where it’s crucial for a child to obey immediate directions.
Plus, it’s not good for a child to witness an internally chaotic, anxious dad. Or mom, obviously.
The issue this man describes does not arise from anything he can say to the child or any “parenting technique.” It comes from how he feels inside. If he feels calm and authoritative, this won’t happen.
The girl in the story doesn’t mind cleaning. She minds a weak parent who is not the head of the pack (cf. how cleaning is needed not because it’s necessary for the family but because guests are coming. ) She’s acting up because the lack of a strong, calm parent is causing her anxiety. It’s a survival mechanism.
Threaten, persuade – these are strategies of the weak. The strategy adjusts automatically once you adjust who you are. The father needs to ask himself why “guests are coming” makes him shrink inside. Therein lies the cure.
Of course, different ages demand different things. It’s good for a child to obey immediately at 5 but not great at 15 (and terrible at 20). As with absolutely every physiological function, the parent gradually hands it back to the child. By 15, the child should have her own inner authority to leave a situation with, for example, an aggressive vagrant. Or a sexually demanding boy. By 20, cleaning her own space should be an internal need. None of this happens through exhortations or lectures. It only comes from growing a non-chaotic inner space. A well-ordered lower bulb.