Only a person who has never had an actual househusband could have written the following:
I get the feeling the Daily Mail’s solution is “men shouldn’t be househusbands,” when the actual solution is to get people to start valuing househusbands more. Part of that, of course, is valuing work that’s done inside the home equally to work that’s done outside the home.
It’s very easy to value something that you haven’t personally been cursed with. Easy to gush and be all politically correct and supportive when you haven’t had your life ground out of you day by day, little by little by a spouse who is too lazy to work but has enough energy to suck you dry for money, attention, entertainment, emotion, etc. Not sex, though. House spouses have no use for sex.
I think that unless you have personally experienced the following amazing bonuses of living with a househusband, you should shut up on the subject of how those of us who have had this great good fortune should “value” these parasites:
– Have you been coming home day after day for years to a hopelessly bored husband who’s been sitting there waiting for you to come and entertain you all day long?
– Have you had to apologize for not listening too carefully to their hugely important news of a spat with a neighbor when you know that you still have 3 more hours of work to do before going to bed?
– Have you been led to feel like a failure for not providing enough attention to said bored househusband because you work too much to keep him?
– Have you had to pay off the debts the househusband has made relying on your income?
– Have you had to give out an allowance to a grown healthy individual who refuses to earn enough money to pay for his own bus ticket?
– Have you had to deal with a sulky adult who is upset that you can’t buy them an expensive whatever they really really want?
– Have you been resented and sabotaged by a househusband who is annoyed that nobody admires and congratulates him on his non-existent professional achievements while you get accolades and compliments because you do work?
– Have you had the privilege of living with somebody who sits there at home all day long while you kill yourself to survive in a very harsh economy, yet he is always the one permanently exhausted, miserable, depressive, and whiny?
– Have you ever lived with somebody who feels perennially unappreciated and tries to squeeze out the acceptance that people normally get from many different people at work from a single person (you)?
– Have you gotten to the point where you are so terrified of disturbing the fragile mental state of the fatigued househusband that you don’t even ask him to take out the garbage because it’s easier to do it yourself than to exhaust him even further?
No? Not really? Then don’t ask me to value this kind of a moocher because I have experienced all this.
Now, I want to make the following completely clear: I’m not claiming that I’m any sort of a victim here. The unhealthy dynamic between the leech and the organism whose body feeds it is created and maintained by both of them equally. I do not expect anybody to “value” me for having been a willing participant in this sick dynamic. What I do want to achieve with this post is to get people to understand that sanctification of househusbandry is not a valid response to the glorification of housewifery. It makes absolutely no difference what the gender of the moocher is. When one person’s entire existence is dedicated to servicing the household needs of another person, when one of the partners has no social or professional realization of their own, there is absolutely no possibility that the relationship between them will avoid becoming monstrously ugly.
The idea that a househusband is the perfect accessory for a feminist is deeply misguided. Let’s just move past this insane belief that, in order for two people to have a relationship, one of them has to give up on a life of his or her own and become a household device.
As for the reason why housework is not valued (or paid for) very highly is that it’s extremely easy. You need to invest zero brain energy to vacuum or press buttons on a washer. A person who presses the microwave buttons and does nothing else in life should not expect to be valued and appreciated a whole lot.
At the same time, real work benefits many different people. A bus driver takes people outside of her immediate family to work. A firefighter doesn’t spend all day saving only relatives. A teacher provides education for children of complete strangers. In the meantime, a housespouse only cooks and cleans for his or her family members (if that). So why should society value this completely self-centered existence in the same way it values the work of those who benefit everybody? Making a pot of soup (something that I, a career woman, do better than the absolute majority of housewives and more often, too) only benefits a few and can be done by absolutely anybody without dedicating their life to it. The only “value” of this work is that it provides a lazy and immature person with an excuse to mooch of his or her miserable hard-working spouse. The funny thing is that, often enough, the bulk of housework in such arrangements gradually shifts onto the working spouse because the househusband (or wife) is too exhausted, depressed or unappreciated to do even these few and easy tasks.
Clarissa's Blog 
So what, pray tell, is your solution to the dilemma when the spouse holding paid full-time employment outside the home would be a financial *DRAIN* on the family given that the after-tax salary would not cover the costs associated with holding the job (childcare, second vehicle, professional wardrobe & grooming, and so on)? I made a decent income in my last paid position but not enough to afford to return to it after my 2nd child was born (and even less so since I’ve had a 3rd child). The very first dollar I would earn would get taxed at my husband’s highest marginal rate thanks to the marriage tax penalty. Between all the taxes there’s half of my salary gone right off the bat. What’s left over doesn’t begin to come close to covering the extra costs associated with me not being home. It would be incredibly selfish of me to return to full-time employment at this point given that from a financial standpoint, the outflows would exceed the inflows.
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If you can’t afford a second child, then don’t have one. You talk about money a lot, but have you thought whether your children can afford a Mommy they cannot brag about, a Mommy who does not inspire them to succeed, who thinks it’s OK to sacrifice the life of her own because that would save a few bucks? From what you say, it sounds like you now sit at home, with no way of even getting around because there is no car, dressed in old ratty clothes, without even taking care of your appearance. Gosh, those lucky kids will build their image of an adult woman based on an immobilized, perennially self-sacrificing person who can’t even afford a hairdresser. How fantastic for them!
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My mom was essentially a SAHM (she worked *VERY* part-time once my brothers and I were in school) and I am incredibly proud of her. Jobs come and go (especially in this economy) but family is forever. On the deathbed, nobody looks back with regret that he/she didn’t spend more time at the office.
I do have our family’s car now, but if I were to resume full-time employment, we would need a second vehicle since I would not be able to drop off & pick up my DH the way I do now.
I held full-time employment for a number of years before I became a full-time mom and it was hardly anything to brag about. It’s not like I was a brain surgeon saving people’s lives- I was a typical corporate executive doing little more than adding a few more bucks to my employer’s bottom line. Whoop-dee-freaking-doo. Sure, I had a bunch of suits and dress shoes in my closet rather than casual clothes, but I raise my children to judge someone by how they behave rather than what they wear.
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“My mom was essentially a SAHM (she worked *VERY* part-time once my brothers and I were in school) and I am incredibly proud of her.”
– And look how super duper successful you ended up. What a great example of an independent, professional, high-achieving woman you had in front of you!
” On the deathbed, nobody looks back with regret that he/she didn’t spend more time at the office.”
– I’m sorry, but we are used to a more elevated level of discourse at this blog. Have you talked to every single inhabitant of this planet right before they died? If not, then quit this melodrama already.
“It’s not like I was a brain surgeon saving people’s lives- I was a typical corporate executive doing little more than adding a few more bucks to my employer’s bottom line.”
– Nobody expected anything better from a housewife’s daughter. So don;t lay your lack of professional success at my door. Your mother taught you to be a failure who is “doing little more” than contributing to the bottom lines of others.
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Yes, you are correct. Thanks to many scientific breakthroughs housework is easier than it was before and, let’s be honest, how much time one does need to clean, let’s say, 2-3 rooms +bathroom ? Or make a fairly good dinner ? How can some people compare that to having a JOB ?
Besides, most families NEED two incomes to have a decent living and afford having children.
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Housework isn’t the hard part of being a stay-at-home mom/dad. It’s the being a good parent part that is so much work (particularly if one has a special needs child like my youngest). For me personally, being a homemaker mom of 2 kids was about the same amount of work as being an employed mom of 1 (I was employed full-time until my 2nd child was born and the cost of childcare exceeded my after-tax salary), but being a homemaker mom of 3 including an autistic child is FAR harder than being an employed mom of a single neurotypical child.
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I fully agree with you. There is absolutely no reason at all why doing the housework for one other person and one self could be considered a full time job.
However, some people would probably argue that staying at home and looking after small children is a full-time job. And yet, I have a suspicion a similar dynamics like the one you describe also occurs if the househusband/-wive has children to look after.
I know many cases where the wive stayed at home to look after small children, since day care is still frowned upon in my home country. When the children were big enough and spent much of their time at school, the housewife still did not go back to work. She was now used to her life rythm at home and insecure about her other skills, and thought the children needed someone to greet them when they come home from school.
Therefore, I would even make your statement stronger and say househusband/-wive is a bad concept even if there are three small children to look after. It also totally damages the perception of men/women that the children have and thus is bad for society as a whole.
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“And yet, I have a suspicion a similar dynamics like the one you describe also occurs if the househusband/-wive has children to look after.”
– Besides, when the children grow up and leave, they are saddled with enormous guilt for the mother who sacrificed everything for their sake (without being asked to, of course.)
“When the children were big enough and spent much of their time at school, the housewife still did not go back to work. She was now used to her life rythm at home and insecure about her other skills, and thought the children needed someone to greet them when they come home from school.”
– Exactly. Besides, after several years out of the workplace, one becomes completely unhireable.
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“after several years out of the workplace, one becomes completely unhireable.”
Somebody should’ve told that to Sandra Day O’Connor. She was a SAHM and didn’t have much in the way of a career until her 40’s but wound up the first female Supreme Court Justice.
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“Somebody should’ve told that to Sandra Day O’Connor. She was a SAHM and didn’t have much in the way of a career until her 40′s but wound up the first female Supreme Court Justice.”
– Is that where you are hoping to end up?
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To be fair, I feel that keeping a household on the socially accepted standard of cleanliness and organizedness (as defined by “our mothers would approve”) is somewhat more work than two full-time professionals can spare if they want to have a life, too.
Maybe the standard is to blame, though. After all, it’s dominated by people who made a full-time job out of housekeeping, and had to rely on it for self-validation.
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“To be fair, I feel that keeping a household on the socially accepted standard of cleanliness and organizedness (as defined by “our mothers would approve”) is somewhat more work than two full-time professionals can spare if they want to have a life, too.”
– If a person sacrifices their entire career, their professional, financial and social realization because of some completely imaginary standard invented by God knows whom, they have a huge problem. Maybe they should grow up or something and realize that nobody gives a damn about the cleanlinesss of their house.
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Exactly. 🙂
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Care of young children IS a full-time job, whether that job is outsourced to a child-care center or a nanny, or whether the job is performed by a parent. Furthermore, the incessant interruptions involved in child-rearing make it difficult to do high-level intellectual work until children are solidly asleep. Before the industrial revolution, child care was combined with home-based productive labor, whether compensated (raising produce for market) or merely necessary (sewing clothing for the family).
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“Care of young children IS a full-time job, whether that job is outsourced to a child-care center or a nanny, or whether the job is performed by a parent. ”
– Let’s be careful with our vocabulary. A job is something you get paid to do and can be fired from if you don’t perform well enough. Right here in this thread we have a housewife who is so hugely irresponsible that, with 3 kids, she immobilizes herself and strands herself at home with no car. In a country where you can do nothing without a car. This level of irresponsibility would get her fired in 2 seconds at an actual job.
A housewife can subject her children to any form of abuse and negligence she sees fit and nobody will be able to fire her. A daycare worker is accountable for every single thing s/he does around the children at the risk of being fired.
So please, please let’s stop the drama over the sacrificial parenthood of housewives who make their miserable children feel like hostages until they are middle aged. And probably past that age, too. I’ll tell you when I get there.
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Actually, parents can be fired for abuse and neglect of their children… That’s why we have kids in foster care.
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Oh come on. Unless the housewife beats the kid black and blue, she will be free to abuse him or her forever.
By the way, it took me 5 years to “fire” my househusband. How fast did you manage to fire yours? Or are you one of those people who has no experience but many opinions?
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I have access to our family’s car during the day. Additionally, there are bus stops within walking distance that are on a route leading to the regional light rail system. So even if I didn’t have the car, I still would not be “stranded”.
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“I have access to our family’s car during the day. Additionally, there are bus stops within walking distance that are on a route leading to the regional light rail system.”
– No, with this attention span you have no chance of ending up as a Supreme Court justice. Have you already forgotten that earlier today you claimed you couldn’t get to work because it was impossibly expensive? Five hours later, we discover that you have both a car and access to public transportation?
As I expected, all this whining about the impossible costs of getting to work were nothing but an excuse.
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Noting your quote: “…have you thought whether your children can afford a Mommy they cannot brag about, a Mommy who does not inspire them to succeed…”. My mother stayed at home with my siblings and me; my wife has chosen to stay home with our kids. In both cases, the financial situation was such that we could afford to live with one income. Instead, my mother (and now my wife) was an engaged advocate for her children.
My wife doesn’t have a paid job, but instead focuses on assisting/volunteering at our kids’ schools and working as volunteer for a variety of social nonprofits. To suggest that such a path “…does not inspire them to succeed…” seems to be putting a very heavy judgment on the bottom dollar being the basis of success.
Maybe a “house-husband” doesn’t work out well for you, but for our family I’m proud of my wife’s decision (and it was HER decision) to leave her profession. While we are marginally less-well-off financially, I have two well-adjusted children who don’t lack for anything AND who appreciate that people shouldn’t be judged on “how much money do they make”. Your disappointment and frustration at your situation certainly does not constitute a universal.
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“Maybe a “house-husband” doesn’t work out well for you, but for our family I’m proud of my wife’s decision (and it was HER decision) to leave her profession.”
– Oh, it’s always their decision to mooch.
“To suggest that such a path “…does not inspire them to succeed…” seems to be putting a very heavy judgment on the bottom dollar being the basis of success.”
– Can you read? I was saying precisely that exchanging one’s professional realization for saving a few bucks is an idiotic decision. Please try to read the text you are responding to, OK?
“My wife doesn’t have a paid job, but instead focuses on assisting/volunteering at our kids’ schools and working as volunteer for a variety of social nonprofits. ”
– Jeez, she doesn’t let the poor creatures be even at school. I commiserate with their plight. Poor kids, having their Mom follow them about everywhere, even at school? How horrible.
“While we are marginally less-well-off financially, I have two well-adjusted children who don’t lack for anything ”
– They lack for a mother who has a life. But you won’t hear this because you have already demonstrated how incapable you are of responding to what is actually being said instead of to your weird fantasies. You also won;t hear it because you think it’s perfectly fine for you to appropriate your children’s experiences and speak in their name as to what they are or aren’t lacking.
“Your disappointment and frustration at your situation ”
– Which situation? What disappointment and frustration? Are you having a breakdown? I said specifically that I CHOSE a househusband – just like you did – because that was what I needed – just like you do. What’s disappointing and frustrating is that people insist on commenting on posts they haven’t even tried to read.
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Me again…
Glad to know that you can completely understand not only my situation, but the situation of everybody else who has chosen to have a stay-at-home “mooch” as you call them. You have accused me of the very thing which you are guilty of–failing to read the discussion and the points being made. It seems like a job as pundit is in your future!
I can only only conclude one of two things:
1) You are a brilliant troll, in which case I choose to STOP FEEDING YOU;
2) You are incapable of a coherent discussion, in which case I am plowing the seas in continuing any further discussion.
Given these realities, I bid you adieu and wish the best for your husband and children.
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Yes, I was right. This person is having a breakdown. This is what life with a hysterical depressed housewife gets you. Poor guy. . .
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So, the takeaway is, your stay-at-home husband was a whiny, lazy asshole, therefore every househusband/housewife is, like this?
The Daily Mail, as noted in the original article you pinged, thinks being a housewife is fine, but it’s beneath the notice of men.
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Yes, the Daily Mail is a stupid rag, who doesn’t know that? And as for housewifery, the horrible damage it causes to everybody has been studied for decades. Go read a book or something before screeching, OK?
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Your post did not talk about “studies” or books showing the “horrible damage it causes to everybody”; it said that you had a shitty husband who was living proof that househusbands are not automatically a feminist dream. It’s “screeching” to point that out? Or did we just redefine “screeching” to mean “disagreeing with clarissa”?
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i am a househusband that does every thing my wife only works my job is 24 hours hers ends at 5
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