I spoke to my sister, checked my blog, poured myself a glass of port, looked in on N. who is playing a video game in the study, looked at the pile of books I still have to read, and realized that I am the happiest person in the universe.
This has been a very hard-won instance of happiness for me. I can’t tell you, guys, how much work it took to get here. I always knew that the only normal state for a human being is that of unadulterated bliss, and now I finally have it.
Now I have a question that I’m very much afraid to ask. How is having children of one’s own likely to add to or detract from this state of bliss.
Clarissa's Blog 
You just do not know your capacity for love until you have a child.
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I knew I’d get inanities in response to this post. But I still hoped for a higher level of sophistication than this.
Please, folks, can you at least try not to be super trivial in your responses? I could have gotten all this from the grandmas sitting on the bench and commenting everything that happens for lack of better things to do back in Ukraine.
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I don’t Dr. Sneetch’s comment is inane. Granted, it sounds like a cliche, but it has the benefit of being true. Let me try to rephrase it: it’s like playing a video game, where new levels can open only by having certain people in your life. You can consider having kids as a key to opening a really cool and rich bonus level in your life, but if you don’t have kids it simply never does open.
Alternatively, let’s think about having a twin. Most of us don’t have a twin. I totally believe people who are twins when they tell me the level of connection they have cannot be described. So I take it that I will never be able to fathom what it’s like to have a twin, and it’s OK with me, and that doesn’t mean my life will be unhappy. The same with having kids: you don’t know how wonderful it is to have them and how much you will love them unless you do have them, but you can of course lead a perfectly happy life without having them.
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I’m extremely happy, too. Basically in my life I have formulated a philosophical system (intellectual shamanism) as well as following it, to the destroying and recreating myself — a prolonged experience full of guts and gore. I can’t imagine having to relive that guts and gore experience of reproducing life in any shape or form. It’s an entirely exhausting one — and biologically, the outcomes would be less guaranteed than in the psychological sense of the process.
I do want to go back to Africa and retire and build a stone house or a tree house. This is something remaining within the capacity of my creativity.
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I’m learning that there are different kinds of happiness. I am happy with many things in my life right now. I look forward to being a mom one day and experiencing a new kind of happiness when I am ready.
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That’s great! It’s a wonderful feeling, isn’t it?
To put it simply, I think some people’s happiness could be increased in a moment like that if they looked around and also saw children they love as much as you love N and your sister, but could be decreased if they looked around and saw those beloved children smearing something all over the wall, dropping something on the carpet, loudly fighting with each other, or any of those other things children are prone to do. 😉
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“I spoke to my sister, checked my blog, poured myself a glass of port, looked in on N. who is playing a video game in the study, looked at the pile of books I still have to read, and realized that I am the happiest person in the universe.”
Add looking at your child sleeping or playing with its toys in your list and add a couple of books to your pile. There you have it.
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OK, I really like this comment. I don’t know why but it’s very comforting. 🙂
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This.
Love this comment…I was going to make some lengthy comment, but you pretty much nailed it in two sentences.
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Ol. is my friend and a fairly new Daddy. 🙂 His son is beyond adorable. 🙂
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Its hard to even put into words the amount of love you possess and are able to give to your children, it is an experience like no other. But on the not so plus side, get used to not having much time to read those books, play those video games and enjoy that glass of port. 😉
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Children require a lot of love, patience, and acceptance.
You got to pick your husband; if you have biological kids, you don’t get to pick them…and in my experience, their personalities were evident from infancy. You can guide and influence them, but at the end of the day, they are who they are and not necessarily who you want them to be.
If you like watching people flower and come into their own full bloom, then you’ll probably really enjoy having children. If you like having total control and want your children to be a specific way, then you will probably have disappointments.
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I’m in a similar situation as you. I have a partner that I love very much, a close and loving family, and a career that delights me. I have decided not to have children. Ultimately, I value my time and my independance. I love to travel and go out to dinner and have late night chats with my partner. And overall, I just realized that a child would really prevent me from enjoying the things about my life that make me happiest. I love children and value parenthood. But I decided that it isn’t for me. (As a side note, I really resent when people tell me that I don’t “know love” or that somehow my capacity for love is diminished because I don’t have a child. I have a tremendous capacity for love. Thank you very much!)
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“As a side note, I really resent when people tell me that I don’t “know love” or that somehow my capacity for love is diminished because I don’t have a child.”
-I agree completely. There are so many people out there who actually detest their children that I’m never going to buy the line about this total and unconditional parental love. I know it exists but it doesn’t happen very often.
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Its weird that you posted this, because in my life-up to this point-I am very unhappy.
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I’m very sorry to hear that. 😦
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I have an 18 yr old son who has left home for university, and a 16 yr old daughter who is autistic and will be with me for several more years. I think, when you have very young children, all your emotions are intensified. It passes. Maybe it is biological. In my observation, there are two kinds of people who are unhappy with children: the people who have unrealistic expectations about how happy they will be and how perfect their lives will be; and the people who think of their children as extensions of themselves, and try to live out their lives through their children. If you have children, you will have less free time, but you can control this to a certain extent. Hire babysitters. The older they get, the more free time you will have, unless you want to enroll them in classes every evening. From your writing, I get the impression that you will not fall into the trap of treating your children like a product you can be proud of.
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” Maybe it is biological. In my observation, there are two kinds of people who are unhappy with children: the people who have unrealistic expectations about how happy they will be and how perfect their lives will be; and the people who think of their children as extensions of themselves, and try to live out their lives through their children.”
-This is very insightful. I agree completely. It’s always tragic when this happens.
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I agree with this statement, and I have children. Although, if you substitute “patience” for “love” in that sentence, you might be onto something. (joking here, a little)
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You don’t want inanities, but when it comes to this subject, I am afraid that that is all you can objectively get. I still remember a TV show on CBC a few years ago (I wrote about it on my older blog, at the time), in which an “expert” put it like that (it’s verbatim):
“Children make zero contribution to happiness, and in certain situations when they are under five and teenagers they make you less happy. However, this is if you go with the narrow definition of happiness, because children do make your life much more meaningful. So if meaning is an important component for you in terms of overall wellbeing and satisfactions at a higher level and definition then they would contribute to your happiness. But if you are just worrying about feeling good they don’t.”
If you can figure that one out, I’d be grateful if you shared your insight with me.
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‘You don’t want inanities, but when it comes to this subject, I am afraid that that is all you can objectively get. ”
-Nah, I believe in my readers. 🙂 As for the quote, I’m not sure I get it, to be honest. 🙂
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Here’a a link to a post about parenthood that I read yesterday and there are some interesting links in there.
http://www.codinghorror.com/blog/2011/10/on-parenthood.html
So here are some nuggets I remember from yesterday’s reading:
A notable metaphor is that parenting is like becoming a vampire; your old self is dead, but your new self has some cool new powers, like immortality and super strength (I am paraphrasing).
Kids give you back the first 4-5 years of your life, which none of us remember.
Then there is the accurate assessment that kids are 49% a giant pain in the ass but 51% pure joy. The author’s kid is young, and it’s really hard when they are little. But I can vouch that the ratio changes as they age and become more independent and simply delightful without being so difficult. My 11-year-old is the most wonderful and easy-going person on the planet. He’s 0% a pain in the ass now.
Then there is another one that is true but also sound like a cliche: I would totally throw myself and my husband and anyone else you care about under a bus if that could save my child.
\end nugget rehash
About the feeling of contentment you describe: I have felt that a number of times before I had kids, and I feel it now with kids; it’s similar but different, because I have all these awesome new people to love too. My husband plays video games (a lot), I can sip port (although I prefer liqueurs), we watch our lovely kids do their things or interact with each other. It’s awesome. (I say awesome a lot, don’t I?) I would never go back to the pre-kid state even if thereare some things and some freedoms I miss.
Lastly, having kids is an adventure. I look at my content happily married friends without kids and I can’t help but think “this is how your life will be in the next 40 years until you die.” It’s comfortable and happy and if they are well-off they can fill their lives with fine dining and exotic travel, and that’s all fabulous and I am glad they are happy. But, in my view, they have no major life adventures ahead. Unless you are going to land on the moon, I would say that having kids is the ultimate adventure.
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This is also a very helpful comment.
I love my readers because they always offer comfort and reassurance. I feel like printing out this comment and rereading it often. Thank you, GMP!!
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I would not think of having children in the current economic climate. We are at at point where we don’t know how things will unfold in the future. So it’s not smart to bring a child in such an uncertain world.
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Actually, that’s the only consideration that doesn’t even come into it for me.
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When, dear annon, has the world ever been a certain place?
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There is nothing especially uncertain in North America today. People just like to engage in apocalyptic scenarios. In terms of certainty, today there is a lot more of it than at any previous moment in history.
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