So what are the tenets of the naturalist approach to motherhood?
First of all, the naturalist movement returns to the eminently stupid notion of “maternal instinct.” A mother has some sort of a natural bond with a child that appears from nowhere and that is inaccessible to a father. Fathers are dispensable and interchangeable, according to this philosophy, because their only role is to support and “protect” women. At no point should they insist on having access to or a say in their own children’s care.
Naturalists believe that motherhood should be completely sacrificial in nature. There should be no relief from the pain of childbirth, no respite from the burdens of breastfeeding, no break from childcare:
Accounts by childless women and the many surveys of them that are now available are striking for their faithful endorsement of the model of the perfect mother. Even these women believe that a good mother takes constant care of her children round the clock and cannot pursue personal fulfillment at the same time.
Is it any wonder that many women are choosing to opt out of motherhood altogether? I mean, if you have anything at all that is even remotely fun going on in your life, why on Earth would you give all that up to dedicate yourself 100% to childcare? If you can’t use formula, daycare facilities, nannies, or any means that would make childcare easier for fear of feeling like a bad mother, then who needs the entire thing at all? Women are human and we are guided by self-interest. If we can’t be allowed to experience motherhood as a fun experience that enriches our lives and, instead, have to see it as a constant self-sacrifice, can we be blamed for giving up on it altogether? As Badinter puts it:
The lighter the burden on the mother and the greater the respect given to her choices as a woman, the more likely she is to want the whole experience of child raising, and even to repeat it. Supporting part-time motherhood is the key to increased fertility. Conversely, insisting that the mother sacrifice the woman seems to delay her decision to have a child and possibly discourages her from having one at all.
When I read Badinter, it is like she is speaking to me personally because this is really how I feel. I totally dig my life, people. It is a life I created for myself with a lot of effort and care. No aspect of it just happened. Rather, it was planned in painstaking detail by me. When I was younger, I’d imagined a series of vignettes from my future life where I knew exactly how I wanted to feel, what I wanted to wear, and where I wanted to be in the future. Now I’m acting out those vignettes because I managed to create the life of my dreams. The idea that I need to sacrifice all that for the drudgery of what motherhood should be like according to the fanatics of naturalism is appalling.
[To be continued. . .]
Clarissa's Blog 
Since you write about private life too, I decided to share my thoughts. Imo it’s an example how growing up in patriarchal society influences everybody in one way or another, even if many women would say the opposite. Your fears is 1 of examples of possible effects on women.
You said your husband is a feminist and has a beloved career too, that he shares *every* work with you, yet he doesn’t fear the future “need to sacrifice all that for the drudgery of” parenthood. At least, you never mentioned that.
You can afford a nanny or/and a kindergarten, you can plan in painstaking detail how you want life to look after having a child (of course, children are different, but mainly they resemble their parents in IQ and character). You could be a single mother without letting a child destroy your life, let alone with a good life partner near you.
I want to have children in the future. If as a single mother, so be it. Yet the thought of a child “eating” all my life or being a “bad” mother never crossed my head. Never. Being afraid of being fired after birth is a different fear (and a real one), but you have no reason to fear it, unlike many (most?) other women.
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“he doesn’t fear the future “need to sacrifice all that for the drudgery of” parenthood. ”
– Oh, yes he does. This is my blog, though, and I share my feelings and experiences. If he wants to share his, he’ll start a blog of his own. It’s not my place to give him a voice. I ask for his permission every single time I publish a story about him.
“You can afford a nanny or/and a kindergarten, you can plan in painstaking detail how you want life to look after having a child (of course, children are different, but mainly they resemble their parents in IQ and character). You could be a single mother without letting a child destroy your life, let alone with a good life partner near you.”
– These are not my fears, though. I think I should write a separate post about my personal fears on the subject because they are completely unrelated to money or my career.
“I want to have children in the future. If as a single mother, so be it.”
– Good for you! That’s the attitude I like!
“Being afraid of being fired after birth is a different fear (and a real one), but you have no reason to fear it, unlike many (most?) other women.””
– No, I don’t. That’s not my issue. I’m not trying to be mysterious here. 🙂 I just need to go to class right now but after that I will write about my personal fears about childbirth.
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//Good for you! That’s the attitude I like!
I am confused here. Before you talked how children will suffer, if their mother lives without men, without showing them any (not even mediocre) relationship. Conclusion: it’s selfish and bad of me. How does it go together?
Another confusing thing for me:
I think that people are influenced by culture in (sub)conscious ways and many times are hurt by patriarchal (or name any other damaging aspect) culture.
You said many times (as I understood) that people aren’t influenced, but choose to be and that negative things may lead to suffering, but fulfill some internal need/s. Following this logic, what important needs are those women fulfilling by behaving thus:
Not having children, if you want to, is a huge thing. Huge. And after certain age it’s too late, so time plays a role too. A new career is possible, even if hard, at 50, a new child is another matter altogether. Even if it’s biologically possible, many my relatives died at the old ripe age of 60 or 64. Leaving a small child after you die is horribly selfish imo.
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How on Earth does being a single mother equal leading a sexless life?? If anything, single mothers get more sex and romance than married ladies.
As for the rest, everybody who really wants to have children does. The rest are excuses.
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What I actually said and what people love to misunderstand is that a sexually unfulfilled parent is a danger to a child (and a coworker, a neighbor, etc.). How you find sexual fulfilmennt (be it with a man, a woman, a vibrator, a porn film, whatever) is completely immaterial.
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// I ask for his permission every single time I publish a story about him.
May be he too could share his thoughts here and hear what parents, who already have this experience, would say? Hearing your readers povs may prove to be illuminating, it could potentially both help assuage some old fears (and create new ones).
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“When I was younger, I’d imagined a series of vignettes from my future life where I knew exactly how I wanted to feel, what I wanted to wear, and where I wanted to be in the future. Now I’m acting out those vignettes because I managed to create the life of my dreams. ”
Wow, that is amazing (and wonderful)! After 5 decades I’m still trying to figure out what I want to be when I “grow up”
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//What I actually said and what people love to misunderstand is that a sexually unfulfilled parent is a danger to a child (and a coworker, a neighbor, etc.).
OK, I can be stubborn sometimes. You said that showing a good relationship is of huge importance and gave as an example a (hypothetical?) young, now unhappy man, whose mother had no problem meeting men (presumably with sex), but had problem to make them stay. So he would have the same problem and, if desires a family, be unhappy.
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Compared to the dangers of a sexually unfulfilled parent, all of that is such a tiny, insignificant little thing, really.
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Women are human and we are guided by self-interest. If we can’t be allowed to experience motherhood as a fun experience that enriches our lives and, instead, have to see it as a constant self-sacrifice, can we be blamed for giving up on it altogether?(Clarissa)
Here’s the thing, being a parent is about self sacrifice. To think that its about having fun that totally enriches your life is not(in my opinion) the only thing to look at. Afterall, if all feminists thought in this way it would be just a matter of time before none were left. I just realized something, feminism and its demise, just a matter of time. 😉
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Are you a father? If yes, did you give up self-realization and your career after kids were born? That’s what we’re talking about here and not about getting up at 3am to clean feces, vomit and pee, which men can do as well as women and which everybody understands to be a part of raising kids.
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” Afterall, if all feminists thought in this way it would be just a matter of time before none were left.”
– None what? People? 🙂 It doesn’t seem like we are going in that direction on this planet. eh? 🙂
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Yes I am a father. I did modify my life, by choice, so as to be a better father/parent. It paid off in spades. 🙂
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Good for you! For many people, it doesn’t pay off at all, though. Let’s remember about that.
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No it doesnt, nor does it work out very often for all the one’s who think they can have it all. Nature does have a say, on multiple levels. The Naturalists may be off on some things but on others they are bang on.
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“on others they are bang on”
– Like which ones, for example?
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//No it doesnt, nor does it work out very often for all the one’s who think they can have it all.
Many of my female relatives had good careers as very successful school teachers (and a deputy headmistress), which they loved. It didn’t prevent them from having 2 children each.
Actually, the better one’s job is – the easier it is to have it all. Free time of uni professor >> free time of a woman working in a low paying job, including low (and partly middle) middle class.
If you talk about lack of free time in many well paying jobs, it’s true and imo a huge negative whether you have kids or not. 80 hours week is anything but good for mental and physical health and I extremely value having free time too. What’s the point of having more money, if you don’t have time and powers to spend it?
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A colleague of mine has 4 children. She brought 2 of them up as a single mother. She also has a brilliant career and I hope that when I’m 62 I get to be as young, energetic, brilliant and fun as she is.
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