OK, people you need to read this great link to Cosmo’s sex advice that the Twisted Spinster left on my blog. I have been weeping with laughter for an hour. I can’t wait for my husband to come home. No, not to subject him to these horrible practices but to laugh together.

Here is just a small excerpt that includes a Cosmo advice and a blogger’s takedown:

 14. “It’s time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator… (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years).”
Your vadge is a hog, women. A hoggy, hoggy vadge. God, that’s sexy.

16. “Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.”
Definitely wait for a special night. Nothing’s sadder than body-gluing rhinestones around your nipples on a Tuesday. What is this, the Midwest?

17. “Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple,” and ask your man to lick it off.”
Just don’t attempt #16 and #17 on the same night — your man might choke on a rhinestone.

Do read the entire thing. It’s the best.

OK, just one more quote. I think this one wins the contest:

35. “As you’re eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, ‘See how I’m devouring this piece of meat? That’s how I’m going to devour you.'”
Then, later, during oral sex, pause and say, “OM NOM NOM NOM.”

I’d totally dump a person for doing this to me at dinner.

“Hitler had the capacity to be a wonderful, amazing leader for his country but he made some mistakes and ended up being not that good.”

I have no idea what I’m supposed to respond to this statement made by a student.

The good news is that other students started responding to this comment before I saw it.

The belief that all individuals – regardless of gender, sexual identity, race, age, ethnicity, and class – are to be valued, respected, and accorded the same rights.

You see what the problem here is, right? Who is this mysterious all-powerful entity that will accord the same rights? Who will do the valuing and respecting? Why is feminism reduced to “a belief” which puts it on a par with the belief that Eve was made out of Adam’s rib and the Earth rests on elephants and a turtle?

Feminism, according to this definition, is not a political agenda or a form of activism. Instead, all you need to do as a feminist is sit there passively believing that somebody unidentified will value, respect, and accord rights.

You’ll say I’m picking on words. But as a philologist I happen to know that words matter. If you slip into the passive voice and the language of “beliefs” the second you try to provide a definition of a philosophy and a political movement, this is very telling.

This is the main problem with feminism today. It’s all about believing that you can sit there doing nothing while rights, value and respect will somehow find you on their own.

Do you see these beautiful things? I have no idea what to call them in English but, for us, they are cutlets (kotlety). I understand that cutlets mean something different in English, so feel free to suggest the name for these. They are delicious, and all my English-speaking and Hispanic friends love them.

The way you make them is as follows:

Take ground meat (turkey, in this case), add an egg, some crushed garlic, some salt, a cup of cooked couscous, and 1-2 cups of milk. Mix it all up really well. Then create these meat thingies, cover them in bread crumbs and place on a very hot frying pan with some olive oil. Fry on high heat uncovered until they are golden brown. Turn over, lower the fire, and close the lid until they are done.

Every chef has a moment when s/he fails bitterly. As I was cooking the most recent batch of the meats, I noticed that the kitchen reeked of vanilla. As a total idiot, I had bought French vanilla milk instead of regular milk and added that to the ground meat!

Of course, as a very good cook I managed to mask the vanilla smell and taste almost completely. N never noticed anything.

I still feel embarrassed over this, though.

A reader asked me to comment on the popularity of Fifty Shades of Grey. I had no idea what it was but now I have studied the issue and am ready to venture an opinion.

The popularity of this book shows that there is a collective fantasy where a significant number of people dreams of overcoming their sexual repression. Readers massively identify with the protagonist and hope that some external force will help them learn to enjoy sex. They are beset by guilt and terror of sex which is why the BDSM component appears.

The artistic quality of the book is non-existent. This is not about art at all. It’s a collective erotic fantasy. I think it’s a very positive phenomenon because this is a significant step forward for a woefully sexually repressed culture.