OK, people you need to read this great link to Cosmo’s sex advice that the Twisted Spinster left on my blog. I have been weeping with laughter for an hour. I can’t wait for my husband to come home. No, not to subject him to these horrible practices but to laugh together.
Here is just a small excerpt that includes a Cosmo advice and a blogger’s takedown:
14. “It’s time to introduce your breasts to your favorite vibrator… (how rude of your vadge to have hogged it all these years).”
Your vadge is a hog, women. A hoggy, hoggy vadge. God, that’s sexy.16. “Draw an attention-grabbing circle around your nipples using rhinestones and body glue for a special night in.”
Definitely wait for a special night. Nothing’s sadder than body-gluing rhinestones around your nipples on a Tuesday. What is this, the Midwest?17. “Cook dinner topless, apply a little tomato sauce to your nipple,” and ask your man to lick it off.”
Just don’t attempt #16 and #17 on the same night — your man might choke on a rhinestone.
Do read the entire thing. It’s the best.
OK, just one more quote. I think this one wins the contest:
35. “As you’re eating dinner together, say something X-rated like, ‘See how I’m devouring this piece of meat? That’s how I’m going to devour you.'”
Then, later, during oral sex, pause and say, “OM NOM NOM NOM.”
I’d totally dump a person for doing this to me at dinner.
Clarissa's Blog 
Have you ever read Cliff Pervocracy’s blog? She does a monthly “Cosmocking” section where she pores over Cosmo’s sex “advice” and laughs at it in all its ridiculousness.
They also recycle a lot of their tips, so about once a year you’ll see a repeat of previous ones. The most tiredly popular repeats involve “surprising” your partner by putting your finger up his butt (Without permission? No!) and getting “kinky” by introducing silk scarves and fuzzy handcuffs into the play. Snort.
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Thanks for the laugh. Though I feel bad for people who would take this advice seriously (“Om nom nom nom” during oral sex? What?)
Reminds me of the most ridiculous sex scene I ever saw in a movie (A Fish Called Wanda) – Wanda gets turned on when she hears a man speak seductively in a foreign language (her native tongue is English). Her boyfriend, Otto, doesn’t know anything but English, and besides that is dumb as a post, so during foreplay he murmurs, “Benito Mussolini!” and sings “Volare” while they’re having sex. Now I’m waiting for that to appear in the next issue of Cosmo as a sound technique to spice things up in the bedroom.
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Shorted Cosmopolitan: “Basically, your sex-life will be amazing once you start assuming that you live in a low-budget porno movie.”
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VERY low budget. 🙂 🙂
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