Gosh, women often find it so hard to value their own desires that it hurts. See the following question asked by a pretty brilliant woman*:
At some point, I have to consider the possibility that I’m the one who causes all the problems in the (potential) relationship. There is absolutely no reason not to like Nice Guy; we can talk for hours, he is more than interested in me, we have so many things in common that I’m constantly surprised – so what’s wrong with me that I don’t feel anything when we’re together – not aversion, not excitement, not boredom, not anticipation, not anything.
It’s so sad to read this “what’s wrong with me.” Nothing, dear female blogger. Nothing is wrong with you. None of the things you list are “a reason” to feel anything for a guy. You simply don’t want him, that’s all. There is this thing women have, called a sexuality. Contrary to what you must have heard on TV, it doesn’t get switched on by a man’s nice qualities, his interest in you, his choice of conversation topics, his niceness, and the amount of things you have in common.
Since the post was published in open access, I feel entitled to offer some unsolicited advice: dump the sexual losers you call friends and who try to convince you there is something wrong with you and your independence and start listening to your desire. It will probably lead you away from great conversationalists you don’t want sexually. But there will be plenty of excitement and anticipation.
It’s sad to see how many women drive a bulldozer over their sexuality for absolutely no discernible reason whatsoever.
P.S. I have no idea why this old post appeared in my blogroll yesterday. But it doesn’t matter because it’s very representative of a huge trend in women’s attitudes towards their sexuality.
Clarissa's Blog 
//by a pretty brilliant woman*:
You didn’t say what you wanted after — * .
//Since the post was published in open access, I feel entitled to offer some unsolicited advice
But you didn’t leave a link on her blog. How would she know? I would’ve (left a link).
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Shit, the wrong draft was published. OK, I’ll change it in a moment.
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You are SO RIGHT and I’m continually working on myself to try and get myself to believe this full-heartedly.
I recently ended a brief relationship with a guy who, on paper, was everything I was looking for–intelligent, attractive, Jewish, feminist, caring, good at conversation, funny, etc. He even has the same major as me! But there just wasn’t any chemistry and I felt terrible about it. Now I’m starting to release myself from that guilt, because what can you do?
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You don’t need to feel any guilt about it! You did the right thing for both of you.
My first marriage was to this kind of guy. We should have just stayed friends, you know? But we had no idea that liking each other and having a lot to discuss with each other was not all that was needed for a marriage.
At least, now I know better.
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Yeah, I’ll say that a lot of it was my family, who are very eager to see me in a long-term relationship (as am I, but not at the cost of my sanity) and who often urge me to “be more accepting” of potential partners. By which they mean…to count my blessings when a decent guy is interested in me. Yeah, that’ll be a pretty miserable life if I live it that way.
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“Yeah, I’ll say that a lot of it was my family, who are very eager to see me in a long-term relationship (as am I, but not at the cost of my sanity) and who often urge me to “be more accepting” of potential partners. By which they mean…to count my blessings when a decent guy is interested in me.”
– You and I have even more in common than I thought. 🙂
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Could it be our shared cultural heritage?!
(I actually don’t know, I’m only speculating.)
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“Could it be our shared cultural heritage?!”
– That’s very possible.
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http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2012/02/24/mans-immune-system-boosts-sex-appeal_n_1299184.html
Yet again, evolutionary psychology has something to say.
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I don’t get this. The article is about the attraction to “masculine men” but it’s introduced with a photo of two “pretty cutey boy” type of man. 🙂
All the referenced study says is that people are attracted by those who have a healthy sexuality. Yes, that is shocking news. Might that be because people tend to want sex and not because “women need to procreate like crazed bunnies at every stage of their existence “? 🙂 🙂
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Thank you for this. I’ve had dealings with a couple of guys with whom this was the case—they were nice, interesting, interested in me, we had lots in common, but they weren’t attractive and when they kissed me it was nothing but sort of slimy. And both times I felt absolutely horrible breaking it off—there was this feeling of “who am I to disappoint them?”
I think there’s this insidious bit of culture that for women, love is about being chosen by a man—he WANTS you, he admires you, he’ll court you and do nice things to get you, and this means status and value for you—but being chosen is a passive thing with no room for choosing on your own behalf; the message becomes “he’s giving you everything you’re supposed to want; who are you to refuse him because you want something else?
It sucks. And the message that you are entitled to pass on whoever doesn’t set your insides all aflutter is one that needs propagating far and wide.
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It took me a while to figure this out, too. I had no idea how I was supposed to choose a guy. It took me years of intense thinking on the subject to realize that the only reliable criterion was my own desire.
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