This quote just slaughtered me with how scarily correct it is:
I got it here. The linked post is quite crappy but the quote is probably the wisest thing I have heard in a while.
I know somebody who keeps saying things like, “Some people might think that I’m worthless (garbage, stupid, useless, fat, etc.), but I’m not.”
After listening to such statements for years, I finally asked, “Who are these “some people”? Who do they sound like in your head?”
“My mother,” was the immediate response.
You’d be floored if I told you how old this person is.
Clarissa's Blog 
Sadly, this person could be 102 and it would not surprise me.
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Wow, so true. I still remember vividly the first time my mother told me I was fat. I still have unhealthy views about food and my body that I’ve been trying to eradicate for years!
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People mostly do it without any evil intentions. They simply don’t realize how much damage they are causing.
In the linked post, the author fails even to begin to comprehend what the quote is about. For her, it’s all about not saying things about herself. What a frightening incapacity to see that this is about what people do to their children. Not to themselves.
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Actually the post was about not talking that way about myself so that I wouldn’t influence my child. It goes without saying that I would never speak that way directly to my child. If you knew anything about me you would know that.
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” It goes without saying that”
– Do you really expect random blog readers to read your mind and guess “what goes without saying”?
” If you knew anything about me you would know that.”
– I admit that I have no idea who you are. But if you do write a public blog, you might want to accept that people will have opinions about your texts. Not about you. About the texts you write. There is a difference.
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Yes! It was pretty offhand. She grabbed a roll on my side and calmly commented how I shouldn’t have it. It was so traumatic to me, but my mom doesn’t even remember and vehemently denies ever having said it.
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“She grabbed a roll on my side and calmly commented how I shouldn’t have it. It was so traumatic to me, but my mom doesn’t even remember and vehemently denies ever having said it.”
– I’ve had very similar experiences, so I really know what you mean. 😦
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I’m sorry you found my site and article crappy. I’m glad you liked and shared the quote, though!
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Not the site, just the post. 🙂
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Good quote.
I once read: ‘Watch how your partner’s parents treat him, that is how he will treat himself. Watch how he treats them, that is how he’ll treat you.’
This seems to be much more true that I would like to.
It is extremely difficult to break these kinds of patterns. I also think parents have much less control about what kind of ‘inner voice’ they will install in their children than one might hope. It is not only what they say, it is also how they act and react.
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“I once read: ‘Watch how your partner’s parents treat him, that is how he will treat himself. Watch how he treats them, that is how he’ll treat you.’”
– Hah! I thought about it and it’s absolutely true.
” It is not only what they say, it is also how they act and react.”
– Absolutely. Children are the best lie detectors.
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“I once read: ‘Watch how your partner’s parents treat him, that is how he will treat himself. Watch how he treats them, that is how he’ll treat you.’”
This formula doesn’t allow for the possibility that the person has gained maturity or insight into how their parents differ from other people. Why should immaturity in interpersonal relationships be automatically assumed? An adult treats other people as those specific people treat them. It’s not good to generalize one relationship into other contexts, even if it was/is a very important relationship.
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I have a more pessimistic view of humanity and believe that those insightful people are few and one between. I lived a very uninsightful life, like a robot of sorts, until fairly recently.
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Oh. But it is necessary to keep an open mind. I’ve had people who think that because I had to combat the right wing agendas of my parents that I must necessarily combat everybody. That is absurd. That attitude declines to know the specifics of the situation and assumes that there can only ever be one state of mind. It presumes that if one has to be aggressive or combative in one instance, one can never switch that off, but must remain in one particular stance forever after.
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Are such people projecting their own rigidity on you?
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No, not anymore. I don’t associate with such people. But certainly when I was trying to figure out a lot of things in life I gathered a very rigid crowd.
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Exactly. And how parents treat themselves is how kids will also grey themselves. Which was the point of my post.
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“And how parents treat themselves is how kids will also grey themselves.”
– You are mistaken. Tons of parents adore themselves and raise children with abysmally low self-esteem and a profound self-hatred. The person I mentioned in my post is a shining example.
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oh hell yes only took me like years of therapy to figure it out
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Yes, there are a million ways to ruin your kids. I was writing a blog post about one of those ways, not an academic dissertation on all of the myriad ways. Your post, on the other hand, clearly takes into consideration all the different nuances and relationship patterns possible between parent and child. You win.
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I’m sure you have no idea how petulant and weird this comment sounds. What is it that I “win”? I was expressing my opinion on my blog, just like your expressed yours on your blog. When people express opinions, that doesn’t entail a contest. It’s a completely normal state of affairs.
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//When people express opinions, that doesn’t entail a contest. It’s a completely normal state of affairs.
Reminded of this Russian-blog’s post somehow:
http://russell-d-jones.livejournal.com/757591.html
Don’t know if it’s connected.
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Good post.
Why blog at all if I can’t even say “good post / crappy post” on my own blog?
Especially since I have criticized my own writing in much stronger words.
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I meant the part:
Во-первых, многие пытаются совместить внешнюю оценку и внутреннюю. … Кстати, отсюда растёт неумение воспринимать чужое мнение как чужое мнение.
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That’s one of the first signs of adulthood: learning to understand that other people’s judgments of you don’t need to be threatening. In other words, if there are people who don’t think I’m phenomenal, this is not the end of the world.
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@Clarissa
Just as a side note. Many people will find your style very confrontational or almost competitive. You obviously dont intend it that way(maybe), but for many it does come across that way. I think it could be related to how your neurochemistry is slightly different than others is. 😉
So when they say “You win” maybe its because they feel like you are in the competition mode. 🙂
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” Many people will find your style very confrontational or almost competitive. You obviously dont intend it that way”
– As I said many times, I absolutely do intend being confrontational, provocative, and contentious. 🙂 What’s the point of blogging, otherwise? 🙂
“So when they say “You win” maybe its because they feel like you are in the competition mode.”
– I’m not responsible for anybody’s feelings. Especially not some weirdo’s who can’t survive the idea that somebody considers her writing to be crappy. 🙂
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