I just found this boring rant on last-name changes that I don’t want to address because the subject has been discussed at length on this blog. I just want to draw your attention to the following statement that I find quite scary:
Not only is it a testament to honor and tradition that modern women are adopting husbands’ surnames, it is also a wink and a nod to the notion that a woman’s identity inevitably becomes entangled with her husband’s.
When your identity becomes “entangled” with that of your husband (child, parent, sibling, friend, etc.), it’s time to seek urgent psychological help. You are heading not only for a collapse of the relationship but for a host of psychological problems and abusive behaviors.
The idea that your identity can be entangled with that of another human being makes it impossible for love to exist between the two of you. If you need to see another human being as some sort of your own body part, this means that you are incapable of granting them the right to be a valid individual in their own right. As Ayn Rand said, “In order to say “I love you” you first need to be able to say “I”.”
This “entanglement of identities” is nothing but an illusion, of course. It’s an illusion born of disrespect for both oneself and the other. It is based on the idea that a human being cannot be whole without supplementing one’s identity with that of one’s perfect complement, one’s “media naranja”, one’s “other half.” Incomplete people don’t have the capacity to love. They experience a neurotic need to use other people to prop themselves up instead of developing personally, psychologically and intellectually until these feelings of incompleteness subside.
If you are incapable of seeing your spouse (child, parent, sibling, friend, etc.) as a separate human being with his or her own desires, preferences, wishes, needs, goals and dreams, you will inevitably start pushing them to service your wishes, needs and goals at the expense of their own. This is where the abusive behaviors begin to appear. A spouse can always counteract the abuse by heading directly to a divorce lawyer. But an “entangled” child will find it much harder to get rid of an invasive parent.
P.S. I ask everybody to avoid discussing last-name changes in this thread. If you have a burning need to discuss the subject, you can always take it to the relevant thread.
Clarissa's Blog 
Unfortunately, such symbolism of two people joining to become one is very very common in North American wedding traditions. There’s the rhetoric of “two halves of one whole”, ceremonies in which people physically combine symbols of themselves in order to make it a single entity (the sand ceremony, water ceremonies, etc etc) and it’s considered beautiful and wholesome to do so. It’s a very strange status quo to uphold.
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I was a little scared when the judge at our marriage ceremony suggested we should have one thought between the two of us. I really wanted to ask what that single thought was supposed to be.
Another funny moment at the ceremony was when the judge joined us in a union “blessed by God and the State of Illinois.” How is one supposed not to laugh??? 🙂
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I think there is a confusion in many people’s minds between creating together something new & important, hopefully, Till Death Us Part, and losing yourself in a negative way Clarissa describes.
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This is exactly what I’m saying. Long-term monogamous relationships can be enormously enriching and just plain fascinating because you keep discovering another person and yourself. But you need a self that can discover and be discovered.
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“Two halves make a whole, Two whole’s make a relationship” 😉
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I’ve never heard this expression but it’s very wise.
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Ultimately you do leave a portion of yourself behind when you commit to a relationship. If you dont then you will end up doing what you think is best for yourself rather than the union. I believe that is why many relationships end up unhealthy and eventually fail.
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I don’t know, I don’t see what I have left behind, to be honest. I stopped hanging out in bars and clubs but that’s only because I’m now an old lady and my interests have changed.
N fell in love with the person I was when we met. Why would I suddenly start offering him somebody different? It’s one thing when a person grows and changes naturally, but why force yourself to abandon anything you enjoy?
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I know for myself that I had to leave the self absorbed person and realize its more than me in the picture. When I realized that it became easier, well, somewhat easier. 🙂
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Hrm. If what is best for me is significantly divergent from what is best for my partnership — that is, at the very least, a partnership I no longer wish to be in.
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” If what is best for me is significantly divergent from what is best for my partnership — that is, at the very least, a partnership I no longer wish to be in.”
– Exactly. In cases where there is a divergence of interest on something really major, it’s best to part ways than to have one person sacrifice something this big.
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“In order to say ‘I love you’ you first need to be able to say ‘I’.”
I’m not a fan of Ayn Rand, but I really like this saying of hers. (I’d never seen it before you posted it here).
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That’s the problem with Ayn Rand. 🙂 You have to dig through hundreds of pages of gold dollar signs, very silly pseudo-philosophy and woman-hating to get to some gems like that. 🙂
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I see from the original article that postmodernist feminism is being true to itself in veering on toward conservatism and conformity.
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Oh yes. When I first discovered a blog by a “radical feminist housewife”, I was sure it was a joke by some clever postmodernist. But alongside the posrtmodern irony there exists this scary postmodern earnestness that demolishes any trace of the humorous.
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As long as she straightens out her husband’s business suits with her “irony”, I’m sure the whole world will be at peace with that.
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Interesting post. I think/write a lot about identity, and I have to say that I look at it a little differently. In your post you said this: “When your identity becomes “entangled” with that of your husband (child, parent, sibling, friend, etc.), it’s time to seek urgent psychological help. ”
But so many of those roles are absolutely dependent upon another person to even exist. You can’t be a parent without having a child. You can’t be a sister without having a sibling. You can’t be a teacher without having students. You can’t be a writer without having readers (even if that reader is only yourself). You can’t be a friend without also having a friend (I learned that from playing the Sims ;).
I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t necessarily see having an identity “entangled” with someone else as somehow losing the other layers of your identity. I am forever entangled with my daughter and that is an entanglement that makes the mother part of my identity. I am, at the moment, entangled with the people in this neighborhood, and that’s a part of the neighbor layer of my identity. When I move, I’ll have different entanglements. I think that’s part of what makes our identity fluid and dynamic, the ability to constantly take on the roles as we interact with others. We are, after all, social creatures.
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“We are, after all, social creatures.”
– I’m autistic, so I’m not. 🙂
“But so many of those roles are absolutely dependent upon another person to even exist. You can’t be a parent without having a child. ”
– Of course. But you are still two completely different people with completely different identities of your own, right?
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Oh, but look at all these writer/reader interactions in the comments! Doesn’t that make you a social creature?
And yes, I definitely have an identity that is in no way dependent upon my husband. But I can’t really think of an identity that I have that is completely independent of other people. What would that look like? Everything that I use to define my identity (for instance, I consider myself a feminist, an educator, a mother) is in some way dependent on my connection to other people. Even things that aren’t directly co-dependent (like being an athlete or an avid reader) are culturally constructed and thus dependent on other people. There are lots of facets of my identity that have nothing to do with my husband, but I still think they’re entangled with others.
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“Everything that I use to define my identity (for instance, I consider myself a feminist, an educator, a mother) is in some way dependent on my connection to other people. ”
– Of course, you are right. But that doesn’t mean your identity merges with theirs. I’m completely dependent on writers writing good books both for my professional identity as a literary critic and my personal identity as a reader. But I don’t feel entangled or merged with these writer’s identities.
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It depends what she means by this. I recently married. I am still who I was before I married. Actually, I am “rediscovering” myself. But still, part of my identity is now “spouse”, an identity I couldn’t have without a spouse. I am myself but my partner has influenced me and I wouldn’t be the person I am today without him. But then again, the same applies to him as well.
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Would you rather be affiliated with your department / your institution, or entangled with it? In relationship with someone, or enmeshed with them? Associated with someone, or dependent upon them for your sense of self? Etc.
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Also, would you say mens’ identities get “entangled” with their wives’ and that if so, it is a good thing?
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Clarissa, I think you will be quite proud of me that I vehemently disagreed with a woman I’ve gone on a few dates with of late that a man needs to be dominant in a relationship and that he should “protect” his wife and she needs to defer to him.
Of course she thinks the whole concept of feminism is destroying women and society… but the sad part here I guess is this is a HIGHLY intelligent women, with a few kids, who has been divorced, who is doing an amazing job with both a career, raising her kids with good values.. the exact definition almost of a self-reliant woman, who yet craves to be dependent on a man…
Really hard to figure out.. and actually discouraging to me 😦
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I’m proud of you, Matt! 🙂
Look, you need to be with somebody who will get you and be a good fit for you. If you feel that this person isn’t it, then you’ll find somebody else. You are a great guy and I’m convinced that you will meet somebody great who will make you happy!
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I will probably be friends.. but def. she’s not the right fit.
And thanks for making my night 🙂 I posted another comment (but being the idiot I am… but my name as the emaill.. and email as the name.. so it didn’t get posted).. and in that comment on another topic i was asking if you had an identical twin? (because I figure if I hit on you N. will come crush me!)
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I changed the info in the comment, so now it comes up under your name. It did get a response,too. 🙂
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