Insecurity and Narcissism

Reader CK left the following important comment I want to address in a separate post:

I think your post misses the mark. IMO insecure behavior is a turn-off primarily because it is like a big and negative anchor. People who are always obsessing over their looks, weight, or WHATEVER can’t just relax and be happy with themselves; rather they often comment on and focus on the things they don’t like about themselves. Having to say “you look great” all the time or constantly coax them into doing things they’re resistant to doing (because of their insecurities) is draining; it’s almost like babysitting and consoling a weak little kid. To most people, this is not attractive.

What CK is describing is not an insecure person. CK is describing a narcissist. The manifestations of a narcissistic trauma do look like insecurity. But not all insecure people are narcissists.

Of course, I agree that a narcissist should be avoided like the plague. These people will devour you irrespective of whether they are insecure or not.

However, what we see in a comment is a description of a person who plays into the narcissist’s game because it fulfills his or her own needs (“constantly coax them into doing things they’re resistant to doing”). Remember, narcissists thrive on audience. When you become a spectator in a narcissistic performance, you are playing a very unhealthy game because of your own need to see yourself as a savior. Note the paternalistic desire to see the narcissist as a small and weak child.

This comment is the perfect illustration of two psychological types: the narcissist and the savior. They often form relationships because each fulfills the unhealthy needs of the other. Obviously, as long as they don’t bring any other people (say, children) into their folie à deux, it’s their business if they want to live this way.