I’m completely anti-cheating (in my own life, that is. Everybody else should do as they please, of course) and pro-honesty, but I can’t make sense of the following excerpt from an article at Hugo Schwyzer’s blog:
Infidelity hurts. The fact that cheating is invariably banal and terribly common does little to soothe the shock that comes with learning that a partner has been unfaithful. It’s axiomatic that sexual betrayal causes ripples of damage; children are often devastated, family members deeply hurt, friends confused and disappointed.
I have really got to ask, how do all these people (children, family members and friends) find out about the intimate details of a couple’s sex life? Does a cheating spouse call a family meeting where the family elders, small kids and babes in arms all sit together in solemn silence as the cheater announces, “Friends! Citizens! Family members! Yesterday, I slept with somebody who is not your Daddy! (Or Mommy, as the case may be). Now let’s all take a vote on whether I should do it again.”
Or, alternatively, “People! Humanity! My husband (wife) and your parent, sibling, child, relative and colleague cheated on me three times in five different positions! Here are some graphs and drawings of the act that will make you understand exactly what happened. After that, you can all share your opinions with the group.”
In response, babies start to wail, the elderly have massive heart attacks, and the rest of the participants begin arguing passionately about how they should cast their vote.
Of course, if a person is dumb enough to discuss his or her sex life with children (family members, neighbors, etc.), those children (family members, neighbors, etc.) have much greater issues than their parents’ (relatives’, etc.)sexual antics. Ultimately, the situation that is being discussed in the quoted excerpt is not about cheating at all. Rather, it has to do with the damage caused by people who lack personal boundaries and who turn everybody they know into a hostage of their psychological issues.
P.S. The article itself is quite bizarre because it begins with the following question: “In light of Mark Sanford’s announced plans to marry his longtime mistress, Hugo Schwyzer asks: Is it wrong to rejoice in their union?” I think that unless you know these people personally and quite well, “rejoicing” in their anything is deeply unhealthy. The moment you start to “rejoice” in the lives of people you see on TV (and nowhere else), it’s time to get a life of your own. And urgently, too. This really reminds me of those folks who care about Obama’s puppies and Romney’s dog more than the political platform of these candidates.
Obviously, rejoicing in the life of your favorite blogger is another matter entirely. A blogger’s popularity is always based on his or her honesty while a politician’s popularity. . . well, you know.
P.P.S. I can’t imagine feeling “deeply hurt” by anybody’s cheating on any other person than me. There can be a whole range of emotions but hurt is really not one of them. I intensely dislike people who claim to be “hurt” by the tragedies of others. Narcissistic drama queens, that’s what they are.
P.P.P.S. I have had my first cup of coffee in days which is what makes me loopy and prone to writing many post-scripts.
Clarissa's Blog 
honestly, i know at least 5+ situations (from family to friends) of what happened with who cheated etc. Once you tell one person rumors just spread. I’m sure the “details” i’ve been told are not totally accurate. For example, if you are getting a divorce and the other person cheated the non-cheating spouse is certainly going to tell close family that the other person cheated…. otherwise they might be viewed as tho they messed up.
What I find more interesting in your post is how you are surprised that cheating could hurt others. I can’t imagine how that wouldn’t DEEPLY affect kids who went through it (or at least have the potential to.). A good friend found out in high school that his mom had been cheating on his dad with a pastor of a major church (ironic to the nth degree with how “religious” she was… ).. really made him be angry with women, and while that isn’t right, it doesn’t take more than a 1st year psychology student to unde4rstand why it would hurt a kid to see their parents who are supposed to symbolize love, committment torn apart. Emotionally that can really damage trust, relationships, and engender hatred. Lastly, even practically that messes kids up. Households get split up, sometimes school districts moved…
Hope that might provide a useful perspective!
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“Once you tell one person rumors just spread.”
– Alternatively, one can find good friends. 🙂 I trust my close friends with keeping my secrets and they never betrayed my trust. Or I theirs.
“For example, if you are getting a divorce and the other person cheated the non-cheating spouse is certainly going to tell close family that the other person cheated…. otherwise they might be viewed as tho they messed up.”
– Alternatively, one can grow up and realize that nobody is entitled to an opinion on one’s divorce. As somebody who has been divorced, I believe that the only explanation anybody is entitled to is “I don’t want to be married to this person any longer.”
“What I find more interesting in your post is how you are surprised that cheating could hurt others. I can’t imagine how that wouldn’t DEEPLY affect kids who went through it ”
– I have no idea what you mean by “kids who went through cheating.” A parent doesn’t cheat on her kids. Only on her spouse.
“A good friend found out in high school that his mom had been cheating on his dad with a pastor of a major church (ironic to the nth degree with how “religious” she was… ).. really made him be angry with women”
– Do you agree that all this damage could have been avoided if the parents had kept their business to themselves? I find it very disturbing when parents recruit children as supporters in such conflicts. I actually heard an adult man the other day who said “My father cheated on us with another woman, he left us.” Imagine the brainwashing he had been subjected to by an irresponsible mother who couldn’t recognize that she was the only person cheated on and abandoned.
“Emotionally that can really damage trust, relationships, and engender hatred. Lastly, even practically that messes kids up. Households get split up, sometimes school districts moved…”
– Are you talking about cheating or about divorce? These are two very different things. 🙂
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//Imagine the brainwashing he had been subjected to by an irresponsible mother who couldn’t recognize that she was the only person cheated on and abandoned.
Many times fathers leave children too. Even if they pay child support, often the time spent with their children swiftly approaches zero or even reaches it. I hope you won’t blame “irresponsible mothers” as a whole of behavior of adult men to their own kids. I’ve seen several cases, when it was fathers’ choice.
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Were those children passionately wanted by their fathers and then their fathers changed their minds suddenly? I heard of one story where the father kept seeing the woman for years after their child was born but refused ever to see the child. But he didn’t want that child from the start and declared it very vocally. Of course, he is still a jerk because he never paid child support.
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People don’t find out by announcement, usually, it’s by the signs of it or by walking into a situation, or because a relationship splits up, etc.
Deeply hurt, he overspeaks but then he usually expresses himself melodramatically.
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People don’t find out by announcement, usually, it’s by the signs of it or by walking into a situation, or because a relationship splits up, etc.(Z)
Not true, my daughters step father actually announced to her that her mother was having an affair. He even pointed out who it was with. 😦
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I’m sorry but I think that was a horrible thing to do. Why would he do that?
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Because some people are just fucked up. I have some stories about shared parenting(if you could call it that) that would make your hair stand on end. 😦
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What a jerk one has to be to do such a thing. I feel for your kids!
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Well, I’ve known of situations where the children or family friends discovered evidence or fell upon the cheating and were upset because they care about the couple and when someone you care about has been wronged, it is perfectly normal to feel pain too. I’m not saying a person outside of the relationship really has the right to act as the victim of the situation, but I think feeling hurt in a situation like that is not impossible, or even unusual, particularly for the children of the couple in question.
Personally, I found out recently that my parents had had an ongoing relationship while my father was still with his first wife and I felt disgusted. Hurt? No, but I had a lot of feelings about it even though I wasn’t involved in the cheating or the relationships.
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