If pregnancy manuals are bad, then parenting books are simply horrid. After a massive search carried out by my sister over the course of several years and assisted by me, I maintain that there are no parenting books in existence that provide any simple, basic information on the care of infants. Instead, what you get is a massive dose of very weird ideology, packaged in saccharine, condescending language, and accompanied by an inevitable tour from Guilt Trips Unlimited.
To give just a couple of examples, here is what transpired during our recent trip to Madrid. My sister took with her a parenting book recommended by a very intelligent, normal, well-adjusted friend who swore up and down that the book was not insane. My sister trusted that the book might not be horrible and took it with her only to find herself trapped on an airplane with a volume that suggested people use attachment parenting practices to raise obedient children. God save us all from the freakazoids who see obedience as a useful quality to foster in an individual.
In Madrid, we went to a bookstore where my sister pored over dozens of books until finally finding one that didn’t look too bizarre (they tend to have very scary covers and titles.) She handed it to me for my expert opinion. I opened it randomly only to alight on a paragraph that stated that the only normal practice was to breast-feed one’s children until the age of 7 because this is what “women in tribes” did. Mothers who didn’t do that, the book claimed, had to know that they were damaging their children and needed to compensate for the damage.
P.S. Please don’t recommend any books. I might trust you but I definitely don’t trust their authors.
Clarissa's Blog 
In France there are two major parenting bibles by Laurence Pernoud and Edwige Antier. I reckon you’ll find at least one or possibly both in almost every house containing a child in France.
Not only do they give practical solutions to problems, but they also guide new parents through administrative tasks, and provide a dictionary of illnesses.
They accompany parents through babyhood and childhood without pushing one parenting method or another.
Unlike one popular British parenting book, the ‘Contented Little Baby’ which is vomit-inducing.
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Bringing Up Bébé was interesting and observed that there maybe a handful of parenting books in France. Not exactly a how-to.
I feel like a lot of parenting books in America are written in the tone of magazine “Don’ts”.
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My sister gave me Bringing Up Bebe, and that one I will read. It sounds a lot less scary and, as you say, prescriptive than the rest.
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Seems people are either wallowing in reifications of “Nature” or are spacing out with some newfangled poison.
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Read them with a grain of salt and all… And dont make the mistake I made: going to a maternity/paternity course.
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“And dont make the mistake I made: going to a maternity/paternity course.”
– Really? we were planning to. What happens there? Is it bad?
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I’ve given up on them all, and just read the blogs of parents I don’t consider psychotic 🙂
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Maybe that’s the solution. Just read blogs by intelligent people.
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“I maintain that there are no parenting books in existence that provide any simple, basic information on the care of infants.”
That’s because we wish our kids would come with the instructions attached to their back , but they don’t. Each kid is different . You are on your own …No book will teach you how to use common sense and that’s what you need the most .
My first kid had this cute outfit with the sign: “My mom does not need your advice” . People did give me some advice anyway . Some was actually very good .
I did read a lot of books on parenting , but don’t recall anything really useful …
You’ll figure it out , don’t worry !
P.S. Congratulations!
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“My first kid had this cute outfit with the sign: “My mom does not need your advice” . ”
– I like this! 🙂 I think I might get one, too.
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I am going to share here some of my , I believe, valuable experience with you . Not to give you any advice , but to generally point out some of the usual mistakes any new expecting mother might make .
I think , generally , your most important research right now is not in the baby books .
You need to carefully research who , where and how is going to take care of you.
You are probably looking for a doctor.
Some of your friends recommending you a good doctor they’ve used .
When choosing one you need to consider several very important points:
1. How big is the group your doctor belongs to?
Gynecologists are not working on their own as it is impossible to serve all the needs of their patients , who tend to give birth at night. Gynecologists have at least one partner.
You chance of having YOUR doctor being there for you directly correlates to the size of his group. The bigger the group , the less likely for you to coordinate your childbirth with your doctor’s “on call” day . Bigger groups tend to employ a few RN/midwifes . Your actual doctor may be tied up with a c-section or two at the same time you are giving birth , so the midwife will take care of you.
When I was in labor , the doctor just picked his head ones into my room. Did not even come in . The Midwife did the cutting ,the delivery and the stitching . She did not do a very good job stitching and I was in pain till my next childbirth , likely the doctor restitched me then…
2. Which Hospital your doctor is affiliated with?
People tend to choose a big, well-known Hospital , like NYU or such.
Problem is , NYU is a Teaching Hospital . Means , you chances of having an inexperienced resident – anesthesiologist giving you anesthesia are very high . My case : I gave birth to one of my kids in Yale-New haven Hospital , where my husband was an Anesthesia Resident at the time.
An Attending Anesthesiologist on call was busy with a few c-sections , so my husband did my anesthesia, no problems.
Difference is – my husband was an Anesthesiologist back in Russia and really knew what he was doing.
Trust me , you don’t want someone fresh out Med School try to locate the right spot in your spine when you are in labor !
3. Who is going to do your amnio , should you decide to do so?
It is important to find someone who does Amnio’s ALL day , EVERY day .
Some doctors want to do it themselves ( to collect the money for it ) – BIG mistake for a woman to choose someone like that.
They just don’t have enough experience doing it. Some are so bad at it , they can’t even insert the needle in the right area !
Don’t be afraid to ask these questions. It is very important , far more important than any baby book you might want to read…
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This is a very good, useful comment. Thank you! I didn’t think to ask about these things but now I will. The OB-GYN practice I use is quite small, but I need to ask the questions you are listing.
“Who is going to do your amnio , should you decide to do so”
– I’m not sure if I should do it at this point. I still don’t know what the practical use is going to be.
“Don’t be afraid to ask these questions. It is very important , far more important than any baby book you might want to read…”
– I think you are absolutely right. This is very very true.
Once again, thank you! This is invaluable.
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Clarissa!
Glad I could help!
“- I’m not sure if I should do it at this point. I still don’t know what the practical use is going to be.”
– Amnio question is a kind of question that should be decided between you , your husband and your doctor.
People have different views about it , ranging from religious to emotional .
Myself, I just knew there was no way I could deal with giving birth to an abnormal child , so I opted for an Amnio. To know my kid did not have genetic abnormalities gave me tremendous sense of relief . I was actually able to relax …
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“To know my kid did not have genetic abnormalities gave me tremendous sense of relief . I was actually able to relax …”
– Of course, that makes a lot of sense. But it isn’t like it is legal to abort at this stage, anyway, right?
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I think an abortion for Fetal Abnormalities is allowed till 2nd or even 3d trimester . Certainly around 16 weeks when Amnio is usually performed . I think you may want to check the rules in the State you are in .
Again, best person to talk to is your doctor. Just stay away from the overly religious ones – they may have clouded opinion of these issues …
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You are a fount of wisdom. 🙂 Please keep hanging around the blog for I;m likely to have more questions in the future.
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“You are a fount of wisdom.”
– 🙂 Am I ? I ‘ve been around… again, glad to help !
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