If you are trying really really hard to achieve something and it doesn’t work out, stop and ask yourself: “What scares me so much about succeeding at this?”
When Something Doesn’t Work
Opinions, art, debate
Opinions, art, debate
If you are trying really really hard to achieve something and it doesn’t work out, stop and ask yourself: “What scares me so much about succeeding at this?”
Clarissa's Blog 
Did you write this before or after we spoke?
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The post was inspired by you. 🙂
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Maybe there is nothing scary about it. For instance, I once had a project of learning “Western culture”. I had the sense that I ought to learn how to mediate other people’s emotions for them, as this is what was required of me not to be aberrant, but to conform with what my father had required of me when we first landed in Australia — which was to become what other people needed me to be in order not to offend them.
I kept trying to do this — trying to be more and more sensitive to other people’s requirements, so that I could adjust to externally imposed cultural ideals and not seem to be arrogantly set in my ways.
But, I could never achieve this. I really, really tried, but it always felt false. I would try to pause and reflect and speak with greater sensitivity to others’ perceptions of their identities, but it took a tremendous amount of energy and created a psychological wall around me rather than breaking one down.
Then I understood that all the demands to show sincerity by contorting myself and acting in a way that did not fit my character, were measures designed specifically to unbalance me and control me. I had been trying to achieve something when the structure of reality was specifically designed to prevent me from achieving it.
Psychoanalyst Theodor Dorpat says that authoritarian psychological techniques are often used on early migrants to get them to conform to new cultural values and ideals. But people had been trying these on me for decades. Each time, I’d walked away thinking, “Wow, that was close. They almost succeeded in destroying me that time.”
Now I am old enough to see that many people are just extraordinarily manipulative. I had to break my original programming to see this. I also had to realize that fitting in was never what I really wanted for myself. I’d only wanted it in order not to disappoint others.
These days I’m aware of where “success” and my own interests really part ways.
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Do you mean to say that what doesn’t work maybe is something that isn’t supposed to work out? that you should reevaluate your goal before blaming it on your lack of skill? That maybe you’re just being played out by society’s demands?
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Something like that, yeah.
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This is precisely what I’m talking about. For you, success at this venture would have meant an erosion of your self. This is a realization that you couldn’t get rid of completely. So you renounced this sort of success. Which is a great thing because if you hadn’t, you would not be the original thinker you are today. I have seen people who succeeded at just such a project of erasing themselves in order to inscribe another culture onto their minds and bodies. A dear childhood friend of mine did it. It is a very very sad sight. She ended up changing her last name to accommodate those Canadians who would find her Ukrainian last name hard to pronounce. 😦 😦
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I’m glad you understand exactly what I’m talking about. This issue is way beyond the conceptual horizons of most people. Thanks also for the compliment. I’ve been dealing with such stupid people of late (The Dawkins issue) that I was beginning to think Teh Stupid was rubbing off on me.
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I thik this is a bit silly. Some things are actually impossible. For example, when I was a child I tried very hard, for a long time, to jmump int the air, flap my arms, and fly. I did not succeed, but not because I was afraid of success.
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Lies, David, all lies!
Thanks to Clarissa I am finally soaring through the air like I was born to do! WOOOHOOO! 😀
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So unlike David, you were still trying really really hard to fly, even in adulthood? I’m all for being quirky and unusual but there must be limits. 🙂 🙂
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But you can, at least, ask yourself this question before concluding that this is really impossible.
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I was not writing about the fantasies of small children. This was aimed exclusively at adults. 🙂 🙂
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In many cases what we’re afraid of is breaking some unwritten social law that is so internalized within us that is hard to realize that is actually there.
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“In many cases what we’re afraid of is breaking some unwritten social law that is so internalized within us that is hard to realize that is actually there.”
– Exactly. Or a role that was assigned to one in childhood. I still can’t conduct a simple calculation because the childhood mandate of “you suck at math” is too strong.
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Succeeding at something opens up new possibilities and also makes you vulnerable to new kinds of problems. Many times people want to stick to what’s familiar, even if it’s less than optimal, because they know where they stand and what to expect.
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You are absolutely right. Sometimes, success is too scary.
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Yes, I’ve “tried” to do things but left out the very element that would make me succeed. For example, I’ve done everything with my drums except play with other musicians. That is the only thing that would make actually be able to play the drums, but it is frightening because I have to approach people, face rejection, find out that I cannot really keep time well enough not to be laughed off the stage, etc… With many other things in life I have had analogous experiences. Is this what you’re talking about?
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Exactly!
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Clarissa, this is so true. Very insightful. It is hard for me to face: when I “can’t” succeed at something, it is usually because I am not trying hard enough – or avoiding, like Jonathan Mayhew, the really ‘scary’ stuff. This is a very painful thing for people to accept, though…it is so much easier to say, “It’s not my fault. This is beyond my control.”
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Thank you.
Of course, one could always decide that circumstances outside one’s control prevent one’s success. And then what? How does this lead anywhere but to feeling impotent and useless?
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Yes, they feel impotent and useless…but also somehow “safe”. It is an insidious line of thinking that leads to dead ends, not to mention despair. But on the other hand, they feel sheer terror at the prospect of facing whatever it is that they need to overcome in order to succeed. I know because I have been there. Fortunately, I was able to summon my courage and do what had to be done. And then there was success! It seems that this is insurmountable for some people, though.
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