“‘I’ve always heard this phrase, ‘Oh, marriage is great, or relationships are great — you get to go on this journey of change together,’ ” she said. “That sounds terrible. I don’t want to go through those changes with you. I want you to have changed and become enough of your own person so that when you meet me, we can have a stable life and be very happy.”
Oh, if that is what you want, you are in luck. The world is filled with rigid, immature freaks who stop developing emotionally, intellectually and psychologically at about the age of 12. It’s great to see they are in such high demand.
This will be one of those marriages where people have veritable wars over the methods of squeezing toothpaste out of tubes and raised versus lowered toilet seats.
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Obviously she doesn’t mean that. She does want somebody who knows the main things about himself. F.e. somebody quite successful at his job and serious about his career. What if “this journey of change” leads him to choose the life of a poor artist? Of not using his education and instead dabbing in dangerous speculative “business deals”? Know somebody with this desire for “adventure” and it’s very dangerous financially. After somebody works full time after college for several years how much he loves his profession and how good at it he is is much easier to see.
Haven’t you changed significantly from early 20ies and have no plans to change back?
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I have plans to change forward. 🙂 And people who love me will love that, even if I choose to be a poor artist. 🙂
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Forward from a university professor?! It will be interesting to read about, if you do.
And some changes are a great reason to divorce: a *new* decision to have zero children, or the decision to become a stay-at-home parent, or the one to have an open relationship, or become such a poor artist that children suffer from poverty. And much more.
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You are describing a relationship where there is no love. Where there is love, these are no obstacles at all and definitely not a reason to divorce. If love ends when money runs short, that’s no love, that’s prostitution.
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// You are describing a relationship where there is no love.
In all examples? Not only in the last one?
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All of them. Love is the highest form of acceptance.
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Thank you. These comments about “love” and “true love are SO TRUE. I agree with you 100% that if you are really in love, these are not even obstacles and much less a reason for divorce. Also, I agree with you and think it is very beautiful when you say “Love is the highest form of acceptance.”
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Also, “become enough of your own person” bit : some people do need time alone, before they are ready for a relationship for life (hopefully). Changes after graduating from school or university are usually more significant than the ones later. People usually decide where they want to work and to live, especially with today’s market’s mobility requirements. What if she wants to go to a big city, whie he wants to stay in a rural place?
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If something so little can separate people, they really don’t need to be together. This kind of couple will be torn asunder by liking a different brand of ice-cream. 🙂
Of course, since we are talking about very rigid, immature people, they are very likely to get stuck on the little things.
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What if their careers demand so? Above are numerous better examples.
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I lived in a very long-distance relationship for years. And it was tons better than many relationships where people live in the same street. When people love each other, these things work themselves out.
The way you know it’s love is that being with this person stops being a choice. It becomes something that exists by default and everything else is a choice.
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You replied to the 2 weakest examples, what about the others? No children, a house-husband, open relationship? People can change in all kinds of ways, after all.
Why is a particular man more important than *ever* having children, for example? Some people are miserable without kids, while others – with. If “being with this person stops being a choice” , then they are together and one of them is miserable because of the children issue, whether they have them or not.
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When people love each other, these are reasons to discuss, analyze, talk, figure things out together. This is the best part of a relationship!
N and I were both conflicted about having children in very different ways. But this didn’t become a pretext to split up. To the contrary, it became a reason to have fascinating, mutually enriching discussions. And then we reached a decision together, and that was beautiful.
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// All of them. Love is the highest form of acceptance.
I still don’t understand how one of them won’t be miserable in children example, if having them has always been one’s great desire. Does Love rob one of any dreams and desires, that are different from the other?
Does it stop at physical abuse, at least? Mental one?
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“Does Love rob one of any dreams and desires, that are different from the other?”
– No, it makes the other person love and respect those dreams and desires.
“Does it stop at physical abuse, at least? Mental one?”
– We are discussing a situation when 2 people love each other. How come you think abuse is possible when there is love???
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Why 2 people love each other? What if only 1 loves and you said it’s not a choice.
Even if both love it may not be happy ever after, imo. Unless one redefines love to mean “a situation in which mutual happiness is possible.”
How respecting a dream of yes/no children is helpful? One can respect and still suffer.
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” What if only 1 loves and you said it’s not a choice.”
– This isn’t love, this is neurosis. The solution lies in a psychologist’s office. There is no such thing as unrequited love.
“How respecting a dream of yes/no children is helpful? One can respect and still suffer.”
– If a relationship leads to suffering, it isn’t based on love. This is some form of masochism that has nothing to do with one’s partner.
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You and N had a different situation. You were both conflicted and both reached the same conclusion. Great! I talked when nobody is conflicted: 1 always wanted and will want children, while 2 changed mind and no analyzing will change it again.
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“Great! I talked when nobody is conflicted: 1 always wanted and will want children, while 2 changed mind and no analyzing will change it again.”
– We are back to my original post where I said that such rigid, unbending people are doomed to misery whether they are with somebody or remain single. And I promise to you that for such folks the toilet seat will definitely become the same kind of unresolvable conflict.
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On another topic:
The Banality of Richard Cohen and Racist Profiling
http://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/07/the-banality-of-richard-cohen-and-racist-profiling/277871/
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a stable life is for horses.
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Spot on! 🙂
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