The following is precisely why I always severed all and any contact with exes after the relationships ended:
Several years ago, I abruptly and unilaterally ended an 18-month relationship. I stand firm with my reasons, but my (kind and lovely) ex was understandably upset. We haven’t spoken since. I still feel guilty, but that’s my cross to bear.
Eww, how disgusting. Why isn’t enough to end a relationship and just move on instead of using the ex for this offensive and melodramatic bout of drama queenishness? Guilty, a cross to bear – could one be any more condescending?
Despite a happier relationship since then, I’m pretty sure that The Ex hates my guts.
The “happier relationship” is obviously a figment of the loser’s imagination because happy people don’t experience any need to convince themselves so pathetically that the ex must be devastated. Note also the way The Ex is capitalized. This makes it clear that, in spite of the author’s protestations, the ex still is central to his or her life.
Here’s the problem: in a few months, I expect to see The Ex at a mutual friend’s event. Being in proximity will be unavoidable. I want to send The Ex an email, saying that I’m sorry how things ended and that I’d like us to be at least cordial at this event, and that I’m willing to keep my distance if they don’t want to talk to me.
And see how the loser keeps trying to manufacture a relationship with the ex in spite of the ex’s obvious lack of interest. S/he will now follow the ex around trying to get attention by any means necessary. In my culture we use a line from a famous movie to refer to this kind of behavior: “I’ve been pursuing you for three days to tell you how completely indifferent I feel towards you.”
Part of me thinks this is sensible and will allow both of us to enjoy this event without apprehension. The other part of me thinks this email will just sound condescending and melodramatic.
The only piece of good news is that the clingy drama queen still managed to retain some rationality. But then immediately the crazy comes back in full force:
What is the kindest way to approach this situation?
Because the poor ex will totally not survive without the former partner’s kindness.
If this creep does end up writing to the ex, the ex’s only recourse will be to inform that any further contact will prompt a complaint to the police for stalking. There are crowds of these losers who know of no other way to feed their narcissistic personalities than to bug those who have had the good fortune to get rid of them.
Clarissa's Blog 
It would be pretty funny if the author of this little gem approached the ex and was met with “but who are you ?”
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This happened to me once when I failed to recognize my own ex-husband. 🙂
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You know I had a dream the night before last of a society that was very smoothly and perhaps delicately run, where everybody made sure the system ran like clockwork, with minor concessions for outsiders. It was modeled on Florence Nightingale, but everyone wore lacy long dresses down to the ankles…
When I woke up, I realized my dream had been inspired by American feminism, with its ideal of efficiency in relationships, duty and propriety.
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“American feminism, with its ideal of efficiency in relationships, duty and propriety.”
I neglected at the time, but I must say that some time ago you wrote that US feminism has devolved into plain traditional femininity. I think that’s absolutely brilliant and completely crystalizes why I’m indifferent to the whole…. phenomenon now.
So much of it is structurally so like the model of ladylike propriety that was dominant when I was growing up that it’s scary. Granted, the surface values have changed but so much of it seems to be about following exacting (and subtly shifting) forms of etiquette (how to correctly refer to people in tasteful ways) and making sure that nobody’s feelings are hurt and that nobody has an incorrect, unconventional thought.
I grew up in a family whose female members suffered from not fitting in with the polite society of the time (while making their own, nontraditional and indelicate ways through life). I find it disheartening that so much modern US feminism seems like a structural reconstruction of club women (now known as ‘activists’) and coffee klatsches (now known as ‘discussions of X’) about who’s just not the right sort of people (now known as ‘privilege’).
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Oh, it’s interesting you agree with me. Actually one strange thing happened, because I was doing some late night pottering around some of the boring sites the Internet has devolved into, and I came across somebody who was saddened that her picture had been taken in vain and misunderstood. She was trying to say that anybody or everyone could look like a feminist, and some guys wanted to make her look like her particular self was representing feminism. That is, they wanted to maintain that feminism has an unflattering image.
To combat this offensive reframing, a number of harmless looking people in suitably modest attire got together in moral solidarity and held up the same sign, to signify they all looked like feminists.
Looking at this, suddenly my subconscious mind knew that we were in the middle of the nineteenth century, where dowdy women and the odd man postured inoffensively to get across a message of common human decency. I had a nightlong dream about a society of women wearing ankle length dresses and behaving coolly and appropriately.
So now you concur with my view that we have sauntered rearward into the past. It’s not just your female family members who are out of time and out of sorts.
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I really like these series of observations. They explain a lot.
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Sometimes it works out better than you think. I dated someone when I was younger for about 4yrs. I was close to her father and mother also. We have remained friendly for over 25yrs. I called the father every fathers day until he passed away recently. I also wished both parents Christmas wishes every year. I went to my ex’s wedding also(She invited my mother too). She is a good person and I would consider her a friend. I know it doesn’t often work out this way but sometimes it can. 🙂
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The “happier relationship” is of the Ex, not of the writer, imo.
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I am not joking, but refer to the reading comprehension level, the way I got it. Otherwise, the sentence doesn’t make sense.
The supposition about the Ex’s happiness in relationship could be because the Ex’s new relationship has lasted for several years already, probably for more than 18 months without the parties breaking up. Or, just because they haven’t broken up yet.
Btw, may be, the writer is alone now and doesn’t have a date s/he is advised not to bring in the linked post.
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While reading this I got the feeling that it is really, really important to The Author that The Ex was and still is feeling very devastated. He simply must be, it just has to be so, there is no way around it. I further think that if The Ex would have reacted with “Meh, okay” to the end of the relationship, it would have been The Author, who would have been devastated.
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This has to be one of the least mentally healthy things I’ve read in a long while and I find myself _very_ skeptical about all of it.
I think there may have been some kind of relationship between the two (not necessarily SO) and it ended (not necessarily by the LW) and the LW is still unhealthily obsessed by the whole thing. I wouldn’t bet a penny on that even and I wouldn’t be surprised if the whole original ‘relationship’ existed only the LW’s fevered, obsessive imagination.
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That’s how I feel, too! The whole thing sounds very unhealthy.
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I just read the whole thing as weird Americans. They have all these weird dimensions to their relationships, more than flies have eyes.
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People downvote that I think they’re weird. Is that going to stop me from thinking they are weird or will it not rather consolidate my views to make them even more solid than before? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ue8nCHhBByw
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Maybe the votes are because you seem to target Americans. Though I am Canadian, so I may be wrong.
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Even if I were expressing that I thought only Americans were weird, that is my perspective. If Americans think they are being targeted by my perspective, they could try to change it by engaging with me in a normal way. You can’t change someone’s views by down-voting their perspective, because that implies the viewpoint is not permissible. Illogical.
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Considering most slights tend to hurt someone how can you expect the slighted one not to be emotionally impacted by it? If you think about it, isnt it illogical to not expect that outcome?
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Ok, so some anonymous people feel slighted by my generalizaton. I wish them speedy recovery and good health.
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Lol, Im sure you do. 😉
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How could I not wish good fortune to all the anonymous people out there? Isn’t that my responsibility?
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I’ve been in a situation before when an ex was going to be somewhere I was going to be and I fretted about it intensely. It was because I wasn’t over the relationship. I feel sorry for the original poster. It sucks when you can’t be honest with yourself about how you really feel. Been there, survived that.
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Exactly.
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Ex is only for sex.
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or parental purposes.
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That sounds like a very special firm if torture. 🙂
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