So do you, folks, believe in the stages of grief theory or do you see it as an attempt to classify and categorize the chaotic experiences of the grieving? Has the theory ever been useful to you?
Do You Believe in the Stages of Grief?
Opinions, art, debate
Clarissa's Blog 
Like a wound to the body goes through healing stages so does our psyche. We don’t all heal at the same rate though. In my opinion there are some truths to it and it has been useful for me in the past.
LikeLike
I would say this is true for me as well. It was especially useful during my divorce, not quite so helpful for the many bereavements I have experienced, possibly because I had too many too early in life.
LikeLike
In my divorce, I was at the denial and anger stages combined for over two years. But I was much younger and a lot less capable of understanding myself.
LikeLike
Well I thankfully never had any huge tragedy befall me. But for the grief I have experienced, I would say that for me personally, the stages of grief did hold somewhat true. It wasn’t quite linear–so I didn’t progress neatly from denial to anger etc etc. But I will say that I had to work through all the emotions that are identified as “stages” before I reached acceptance.
And for me knowing that these were stages helped–especially when I was feeling anger (I’m not a particularly angry person and anger felt very uncomfortable to me so it was nice to think of it as a “stage.”) It also helped me with denial. I have a tendency to “live in denial” and so realizing that as a “stage” also helped me face the (semi) traumatic event.
So I personally did find the theory somewhat useful and somewhat true (albeit a bit simplistic.) But again this was for a smaller loss than what you are experiencing.
LikeLike
I feel like I move through many of these emotions every day, rather than being in one stable stage for a while. Maybe I have emotional ADD. (This is a feeble attempt at a joke).
LikeLike
Yes. I think that’s totally normal. I guess what I was (badly) trying to say is that stages is probably a bad decriptior but identifying the emotions is helpful. So with the situation I’m referring to, I didn’t get to “true acceptance” until I had experienced anger/denial/barganing multiple times. Sometimes I thought I had reached “acceptance” but I hadn’t because I would get mad all over again and then I would remind myself that anger was part of my journey. But once I finally got to “acceptance” I really arrived. I don’t know if that makes sense. I never was happy about the situation but I accepted it and was able to reorganize my life accordingly. And again, this is truly for a relitively minor issue. It might not work for major trauma.
LikeLike
I think some stages may not happen at all to everyone, for example I don’t think I went through bargaining or rage, but denial hits me very hard. Recognizing that denial is a stage, helps me be self-aware of the denial itself instead of, well, being in denial about the denial.
I would be careful about using the stages as a way to try to move through the grief quickly. Let your mind run its course, and use the grief steps as a way to be self-aware.
LikeLike
I’m pretty sure I won’t have the anger stage. Anger is my favorite emotion but this time there is no place where I could direct it.
LikeLike
I am suspicious of the alleged stages of grief, as I suspect that they, like commercial psychotherapy, may be just another ideological state apparatus designed to make sure one has all the appropriate emotions.
LikeLike
This is what I’ve been wondering. The model doesn’t seem to be very popular outside of the English-speaking world. Here, however, it dominates any discussion of loss and grief.
LikeLike
There may be something to it, but it’s not a twelve step program. It’s your own mind playing tricks on you. When Mike knew his mother’s health was failing he asked me to send her some resveratrol to help her, even though he was pretty sure she was dying. I sent it but I don’t think she ever received it. She went into hospital and passed away. But I had this idea that if only I could chase up the order, and see what happened to it, I could reverse that situation. I guess that is the “bargaining” stage, but it really just mental confusion in the process of adjustment.
LikeLike
I think each each and everyone of us has been equipped so differently for dealing with grief, so respectively we deal with tragic events with different intensity and different emotions. Psychologists can always find regularities if they want to, but i don’t think they are always an adequate measure to quantify one’s grief, or to be used as guidelines. I personally have really hard time moving on after difficult events even though “by the book” in the given amount of time I should be just fine and dandy. Just hang in there Clarissa and take good care of yourself, and make sure there people around to help you out.
LikeLike
Thank you, Lucinde, I do have a great group of supportive and kind people on my side. Including on this blog.
LikeLike
I’ve met people who said it helped them make sense of their emotions. I don’t like the idea of stages or the limited range of emotions in the list — as if you are doing it wrong if you experience grief differently. Guilt, relief, exhaustion, numbness, and many other emotions are felt by grieving people but aren’t on the list of stages.
LikeLike
My own thoughts are that the stages of grief are less stages and more like aspects that can co-occur and re-occur (and in some cases not all of them occur)
I suspect that the original formulation was about creating a narrative for non-grieving people to make sense of the process and make it less terrifying. There’s also the anglophone tradition of mistrusting emotions, seeing them as chaotic and destructive unless properly harnassed and typologies and protocals for emotions do just that (as does full out repression which is also a fine anglophone tradition in dealing with emotions).
LikeLike
“There’s also the anglophone tradition of mistrusting emotions, seeing them as chaotic and destructive unless properly harnassed and typologies and protocals for emotions do just that”
– I suspected this might something to do with the popularity of the model.
LikeLike
I think they are useful as a guide. I suppose they are based on observation of thousands of people so why mistrust them? As with everything, take what you need, ignore the rest.
LikeLike
I’ll just add that grief is bewildering both for the person grieving and those not grieving. When you’re experiencing gun-wrenching, raw emotions it may seem unimaginable to feel anything else.
Understanding how it can function means that it becomes less bewildering which is a good thing.
LikeLike
GUT not gun!
LikeLike
Prior to (during illness) and after losing my grandparents, I don’t remember going through the described stages of guilt, anger and bargaining at all. Denial (not really “getting” what cancer means) and pain during it all, yes.
I think those stages describe possible reactions, but one’s personal experience depends on the situation and on one’s character.
LikeLike
The temptation is to intellectualize. But you have been through something awful. Let it be awful.
LikeLike
So do you, folks, believe in the stages of grief theory or do you see it as an attempt to classify and categorize the chaotic experiences of the grieving? Has the theory ever been useful to you?
Brief answers: Yes, yes, and only insofar as intellectualizing emotions helps me. It’s very prescriptively non-prescriptive.
From Kubler-Ross to Zisook I’ve read the Kubler Ross book and it was based on research on terminally ill people.
Anyways, I always think of these things during this month, and especially during this week, because two close relatives died after long illnesses in September.
LikeLike
September 5 is turning to be a horrible date for my family. My grandfather died on this date in 2005, and now Eric’s heartbeat stopped on that day.
LikeLike
No. I have lost both my husband and my father and I have done a lot of research about grief as well. Grief does not follow steps or stages and that has been confirmed by research. Most grievers do not experience denial at all. The work of Kubler-Ross has been completely debunked. It was written in an era when Jung and Freud were popular 44 years ago and the timing was right, but the premise was never tested. Grief is more like a rollercoaster ride with emotions coming and going as they please during bereavement, Of course you will always miss your loved one, but the horrible sleeplessness, loss of appetite and a general loss of interest in life do subside if you stay positive and healthy.
LikeLike
I don’t know if I believe you for the denial part. I think that part is one people are most uncomfortable acknowledging because it seems more ‘crazy’. When my father died, my mother genuinely thought every time the phone rang, it would be him for months. I’ve heard this experience from a few other close friends too.
LikeLike
I’m a blogger; there is nothing I’m not comfortable admitting. 🙂
LikeLike
When I truly experienced grief, I was surprised to find out that is it a completely separate emotion. It’s not just strong sadness, or missing the loved one, etc. It is a specific feeling different from all others. I found that the other things happened too, like anger, bargaining, etc., but these are not grief in an of itself. Grief hurts, and it takes a long time to fade. The other emotions come and go. If you can generalize about the way these things go, then the pattern described in the five stages of grief is reasonably accurate. However, nobody’s individual experience is the same as the generalization. You just have to let yourself feel it, and cry, and ache, and talk to someone who understands, and let life carry on.
LikeLike