I know that the blog has become completely bipolar with sad and tragic posts coming right before funny ones and right after hopeful ones. But that’s how I feel these days.
Today, for instance, was the very first time that Eric’s death was integrated into my dreams. Before today, sleep was a refuge from what had happened because nothing connected to the pregnancy was ever featured in my dreams. Tonight, though, I dreamt that I was buying baby clothes. Huge quantities of baby clothes. I knew Eric was dead but I still had to buy all these clothes.
When I woke up, I felt completely exhausted because now I couldn’t use sleep to hide from sadness. But I also know that it’s good that this happened because this is a sign that I’m beginning to come to terms with the tragedy and learning to integrate it into my life experience. Sleep is the time when our subconscious resolves the problems we accumulate during the waking hours. Today’s dream is a sign that my psyche is no longer perceiving Eric’s death as so destructive that it has to be ignored.
Clarissa's Blog 
I agree that this means you are healing. Still, that seems so emotionally exhausting. I wonder if going back to teaching will help you. The teaching day is usually so hectic that it helps to block out sad thoughts I have found……
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I think you might be right. Today I was sitting here crying and then I received an email asking me for help with a translation. I really didn’t feel like doing the translation but them I made an effort and started it. And now that I finished it I feel much better. Working does help.
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Is N back working? Did it help him?
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Yes, he want back to work almost immediately. But I think he will have a harder time dealing with this than I do. I can verbalize my feelings but he can’t. I’m afraid it will take him a long time to start processing this. š¦
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When I am disappointed in something, or hating the way that life doesn’t give us what we need, I try to give others a bit of what I have to get a bit of what they have. It’s a way of looking at things. It may not work for everyone. But when I was homesick for Africa, I gave a lot of my spare cash to people in Africa. It was a way of living their lives a little bit.
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