I know that the blog has become completely bipolar with sad and tragic posts coming right before funny ones and right after hopeful ones. But that’s how I feel these days.
Today, for instance, was the very first time that Eric’s death was integrated into my dreams. Before today, sleep was a refuge from what had happened because nothing connected to the pregnancy was ever featured in my dreams. Tonight, though, I dreamt that I was buying baby clothes. Huge quantities of baby clothes. I knew Eric was dead but I still had to buy all these clothes.
When I woke up, I felt completely exhausted because now I couldn’t use sleep to hide from sadness. But I also know that it’s good that this happened because this is a sign that I’m beginning to come to terms with the tragedy and learning to integrate it into my life experience. Sleep is the time when our subconscious resolves the problems we accumulate during the waking hours. Today’s dream is a sign that my psyche is no longer perceiving Eric’s death as so destructive that it has to be ignored.
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