Another set of questions from reader el:
2) Did you believe from the beginning you had “it” to succeed? What if one wants to try and achieve something, but has this feeling “I am not smart, creative, etc enough”?
My sister and I were brought up in a way that doesn’t leave space for these sorts of doubts. I always knew I was very talented because since the day I was born there was a group of people following me everywhere and chanting, “OMG, you are so talented!” I knew I would get accepted to McGill, I knew I would get accepted to Yale, I knew I would get both of my big Canadian scholarships, I knew I would get published, I knew I would get a good tenure-track job after graduating, and so on. This is the positive mother/father complex we talked about a while ago.
For a variety of reasons, this vision of myself was damaged while I was in my doctoral program. As a result, there were a few months where my positive mother/father complex started slipping away. I got them back since then and never want to be without them again. This was such a bad experience that I have got to wonder how people manage to go through their entire lives like this.
3) For instance, in your field, not everybody *is* good enough to succeed objectively. At what point can one sadly but honestly accept one’s limitations and stop trying to break a wall?
I don’t think it’s productive to look at things from this negative point of view of having limitations, not being good enough, and breaking through walls. I suggest we take the approach based on fun and enjoyment. Here are some questions to ask oneself (based on the example of my field, but feel free to substitute any other area of human endeavor):
Are reading books in the area of Hispanic Studies, talking about them, and writing about them the most enjoyable (non-sexual) activities you have ever experienced? Do you feel little explosions of happiness when you clutch a new book by a leading critic in your field to your chest? When you hear the word “fun”, does anything related to your work in this area immediately come to mind? Does your work energize you?
If not, ask yourself: Why am I wasting my life on something that is not intensely enjoyable? Just consider the weirdness of dedicating a lifetime to having a bad time. How strange is that?
Also, a small clarification: when people say, “Not everybody can afford to work in a way that is fun”, what they are really saying is, “I lack psychological energy to enjoy life and work.”
Clarissa's Blog 
I love your positive attitude, but think you dodged a question here. 🙂 Not everybody is capable of being an opera singer, and I guess the same is true for your field, whether one enjoys reading what others have written or not.
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Do you know many people who are incapable of being opera singers yet find singing opera the most enjoyable experience of their entire life? Come on, let’s be serious.
It is interesting that this is the defense that always gets rolled out when people want to protect themselves from the idea that work should be fun. 🙂 🙂 I’m wondering why it is never ballet. 🙂
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You don’t need any special talents to do what I do. I’m convinced that anybody who really, really, REALLY loves research can do it and be very good at it.
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Never ballet?? It was certainly ballet in my case, through my teen years. I eventually had to face the fact that I did not have the musical ability to dance, nor the sense of rythym. As you no doubt know,* I found that I love mathematics even more than I ever did ballet.
*
https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=37623815&postID=2290567521083928178
I have not been able to figure out how to link to a single post in my blog; I hope this link works. If not, the post is the last one visible on the current homepage of my blog, at the address you have on my information here.
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OK, so the link I posted takes you to the comments for the entry, most of which were Spam and I deleted them. You just need to click on “Show original post.” at the top.
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Here is the correct link: http://pagantopologist.blogspot.com/2009/01/ballet.html
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Thank you!
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Even with opera singing, who knows? The daughter of a friend of mine decided in high school she wanted to be a cellist, never having studied music before. She had to struggle to prove herself to people who refused to believe she could do it. And now, she is a professional cellist in a small orchestra.
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You see? That’s what I’m talking about.
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// “I lack psychological energy to enjoy life and work.”
Why do they lack it? I thought enjoying gave one energy, but here you talk about needing energy to enjoy.
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No, it’s a different kind of energy, it’s called “psychic energy” and it’s the amount of psychological health you possess that allows you to enjoy life and live / work without fear and anxiety.
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So you increased your “psychic energy” via psychoanalysis? I couldn’t find whether you have written how you increased it before going to an analyst. Would have been very interesting to read.
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There are many ways of replenishing psychic energy. One is pleasure. Plan a day (or if you don’t have a day, then, say, six hours) when you will do several intensely pleasant activities one after another. Food and drink should be only of the kind you really love, a long bath, relaxing music, whatever it is.
Of course, self-destructive pleasures (alcohol, drugs) are not going to work.
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Or there was this amazing activity that I loved back in Ukraine but can’t do in North America: gathering mushrooms. Three hours of that, and the deepest neurotic is as good as new. 🙂
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OK, why can you not gather mushrooms in North America? It is true that identifying dangerous mushrooms versus edible ones is trickier here than in Europe, but people do it and love it. Some of the best tasting mushrooms are impossible to cultivate and grow only wild.
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I don’t recognize them and I fear that I might pick up bad ones. Plus, there are no pine forests where I live. We have the kind of forests where one can’t walk. There are either cement hiking trails or impenetrable thicket.
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It’s funny that people who insist not everyone can enjoy their work point to plumbers and construction workers and say that people that think like you (and I) are classist. But, insisting it’s not possible for plumbers and construction workers to enjoy their work is the classist thing!!
In most fields (barring a very select few like professional football players) people who do not succeed have not worked as hard as the ones who do. Oftentimes the reason they haven’t worked as hard is because the work isn’t really their passion and they have to force putting in the work.
I know I’ve heard you talking a lot about this phenomena, but it all became very clear to me at work. There are some aspects of my job I just do effortlessly and joyfully, but on others I hem and haw and seem lazy to myself and others because I hate doing those parts. I’m not a masochist, so I’m looking for a new job.
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“But, insisting it’s not possible for plumbers and construction workers to enjoy their work is the classist thing!!”
– I agree completely. There is a projection going on where people know they would hate being plumbers and conclude on the basis of that that plumbers must be intensely miserable.
“I’m not a masochist, so I’m looking for a new job.”
– Good for you!
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Though I rarely comment, I am an avid reader and I had to let you know how helpful I find these kinds of posts. I often bookmark and refer back to them frequently! I would really love to read more about ways to increase psychic energy, since it’s something that I personally struggle with. Thank you Clarissa for sharing your wonderful insight with the world 🙂
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I like you, avid reader. 🙂
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// I would really love to read more about ways to increase psychic energy
Wanted to write the same, but thought I had already asked many questions as it was. 🙂
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My mother got her Masters from McGill. 🙂
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McGill is a lot better than Yale in every respect, and I’m speaking from experience.
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