What does a teacher like more than answering questions? Answering even more questions, of course!
Reader el asked me some interesting questions that I would like to answer:
1) Laziness and/or procrastination, tendency to leave all work till last day/night. How did you avoid this trap while writing PhD? If it isn’t connected to willpower, to what it is?
As we all know, laziness does not exist. “Laziness” is a code word for a specific set of psychological problems. And so is “willpower.” I prefer to skip the nicety of “willpower” and refer to this phenomenon with its real name: “masochism.” If you routinely try to exercise “willpower” and make yourself do what you don’t want to, that’s masochism, pure and simple. A more productive approach is to figure out the reason why you are compelled to create these situations where you will experience these masochistic joys on a regular basis.
Life is supposed to be enjoyed. It is supposed to be fun, and not just sometimes, but all of the time. Grief, suffering, unpleasantness should be the exceptions. If you don’t feel actively happy 90% of time, then something is not going right and it has to be addressed.
For the longest time, I was in the grip of a phenomenon that I called “laziness” but that was something entirely different. Here is how it worked: every day I would play this strange sort of game where I would passionately want to do something but would somehow never manage to do it. For instance, I would have this great new book in my field of research that I would be dying to read. I would imagine myself lying in bed, a rose-scented candle and a glass of juice next to me, reading this book, and having an amazing time.
All I needed to do to have this enjoyable experience is just start having it. But I couldn’t. I liked imagining it but there was something so terrifying about it that no amount of masochism (=willpower) was enough to break my resistance. And it was the same with writing, publishing, doing research. I was standing in my own way to having fun while doing what I love to do.
It was only after I identified what was so scary about being a successful research scholar and so attractive about the masochism of applying willpower that this problem went away. (In my situation, it was something as simple as every successful research scholar I knew being a horrible person and me not wanting to become like them. It helped to meet somebody who is a successful research scholar and a great person.)
I don’t want to bore people but here is just one more example of how identifying the fear at the core of the laziness/willpower dyad helps defeat it. I now regularly go to the gym which is a place that I used to avoid like the plague for decades. The reason why I hated gyms is that just being inside one placed me in the persona of a scrawny, clumsy 8-year-old who was the worst of the entire class in Physical Training. I didn’t want to be that kid anymore and, for me, slipping into this role was automatic the moment I approached a gym.
All it took to get over that was to realize what was going on and to ensure I had firmly grounded myself in my adult persona before going to the gym. And now I enjoy it. Actually, I’m going there right after I finish this post.
Clarissa's Blog 
Thank you for answering. But I still don’t understand how you learned to motivate yourself. From your previous post:
People who grow up in the environment when they are constantly reminded to do the most basic things … end up with a deeply damaged mechanism of motivation and a damaged decision-making capacity. They end up staring for 15 minutes at 2 bottles of shampoo at the age of 30, completely incapable of deciding which one to use. They come up with very weird, complicated, and often dangerous ways of trying to self-motivate.
It is incredibly hard – again from personal experience – to learn to self-motivate.
I may have the same problem. It doesn’t sound as if understanding “I have a problem because of XYZ” magically solves it. Aren’t there any steps?
I have this feeling that one must know what one wants and can do; and if one doesn’t, while the search goes on, life is passing, and reaching some final understanding (that you would be happy with XYZ) may come too late to have whatever it is. 😦
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“I have this feeling that one must know what one wants and can do; and if one doesn’t, while the search goes on, life is passing, and reaching some final understanding (that you would be happy with XYZ) may come too late to have whatever it is.”
– I hear you. Many people have this problem, you are definitely not alone.
I’d start with figuring out what it is that you really love doing. Something that you always do without looking for any extra motivation. Is there something like that? How exactly does this activity make you feel? Try to describe these feelings in writing (not here, privately) and identify the feelings you attach to this frequent and beloved activity.
And a second exercise: try to imagine a day in your ideal life. You get up – when, where, how early/late, get dressed – what kind of clothes, is it light or dark outside, etc., and then – where do you go, how do you feel, what do you do there, what do you eat for lunch, etc. Do you go to work or stay at home and work there? How does the room where you imagine yourself working look? Or is it even a room? Are there many people around? What are they like? And so on and on.
Remember, every part of this imaginary story has to make you feel happy, safe and complete.
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Far from boring. I found the entire post and even the two comments above to be very personally helpful. In what post are the original comments?
Also, whenever you’re ready to talk about it, I look forward to your post on what made you start going to the gym and what your goals are.
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I do want to know- what if one is required to do things which one does not want to do, but is required to do anyway, but really cannot be enjoyed no matter how much you re-evaluate the situation? How does one motivate oneself to do such things?
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Do you mean on a regular basis or just once?
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On a regular basis. Mostly relating to those more tedious of tasks relating to work or, in my case, looking for work.
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Man, looking for work is always a painful experience. Have you tried breaking the search up into very small tasks and rewarding yourself for each of them? Like: updated the CV – a reward, sent it out to one place – a reward, sent it out to another place – a reward, etc.?
Good luck with the search!!!
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