My People

Somebody wrote an email to me the other day that I found curious and wanted to respond to it publicly. Here is the relevant bit (quoted with the author’s permission, of course):

You are brilliant, that goes without saying, and fascinating, too. But, God, if I may say so and I hope you don’t take it the wrong way, but how can people tolerate to be around you? You are so radical, and manichaean, everything is just black and white with you. People must be terrified of saying something wrong and have you tear into them!

Yes, it’s true. People often say they are afraid of me. But they are wrong.

I always subdivide everybody into “my people” and “not my people.” The moment I decide that somebody is one of “my people”, that’s it, there will never be any more criticism or judgment of them, ever. “My people” can do nothing wrong. They can espouse any political beliefs, lead any lifestyle, do anything, say anything, have any opinion they want of me, but I will always be on their side, loyal as a dog.

It’s usually a very small thing that convinces me that somebody is “my people.” And it works the same way in real life and here on the blog. I can rant and rave against somebody, but then they say something that makes me decide they are “my people”, and that’s it. The ranting and the judgment end that moment. I’m still me, so I will argue and debate, but “my people” don’t get banned.

Sometimes, the recognition is immediate. Sometimes, it takes years or even decades for me to decide that he or she is “my people.” It might take something really enormous for me to see somebody this way. But it can also be a tiny little thing.

If I believe that one of “my people” is really messing up, I will speak to him or her about it. I will be very direct and say exactly what I think but I will only do it once. If I see that what I have to say is not welcome, I will never repeat it. I will never even think it, so people don’t have to fear a constant pitying or judging stare from me.

Of course, it is possible to fall out of the “my people” group but you really need to try because it’s not very easy to do. I had a very close friend, for instance, who let me down in a big way. And then did it two more times. I’m not Jesus, so the third time was it. There weren’t any scenes or big proclamations, I just moved her into the category of “not my people” inside my own mind, and that was the end of it. But then we met several years later and when we were saying good-bye, I saw tears in her eyes. And she was back on the list of “my people” immediately.

I hope this will help clarify things for those who keep asking me, “But why do you keep tolerating this guy on your blog when he’s such a jerk?”, “Why do you keep hanging out with her when she is such a loser?”,  and “After everything she’s done you are still not even capable of criticizing her?” I do it because they are “my people.” And that’s just how it is.