In this post, I want to discuss the psychological reasons of why many people can’t manage to lose weight. It is self-evident why people become overweight. Oral stage traumas make us eat to self-medicate and self-soothe and we turn to food when we cannot deal with our own emotions in any other way. Of course, there is genetic predisposition but it loses much of its power in the face of severe psychological trauma.

However, there are also people who try to lose weight and it just doesn’t happen. When you discover that a significant (and even a dramatic) increase in physical activity coupled with a very healthy diet doesn’t produce any difference in your weight, it is time to look at the psychological issues causing this.

First of all, let me say that my definition of obesity is not based on any medical charts but rather on whether weight starts making some simple physical activities harder. If tying shoelaces, putting on underwear, bending, running, etc. becomes an activity you notice and have to make efforts to complete because of the weight, there is a problem. This post is not addressed to those who weigh 5 or 25 lbs over what some chart says they should. I’m talking about the really significant problems of those who are 50, 100, 150 lbs overweight. I also need to mention that it bores me to tears to hear the delusional “you can be healthier at 350 lbs than some people are at 150 lbs” and “being 100 lbs overweight has no impact on my health.” There are many places online where one can indulge this need but my blog is not one.

Now, let’s look at the psychological reasons that compel us to hang on to our obesity. Obesity is a very striking form of self-manifestation because it is so visible. We are obviously trying to tell people something with our extra weight (again, this is not about the 10 lbs you think you are overweight. Nobody is noticing them except your inner self-hater.) At the same time, many simple tasks become harder than they would be if we weren’t obese. Even something as trivial as picking something from the ground is very different at 250 lbs than it is at 150.

The psychological goal of this way of existence and self-manifestation is attracting attention to our problems. An obese person is trying to tell the world, “My life is very hard, and nobody knows just how much.” Do you get a feeling that nobody really understands how difficult things are for you, how overwhelmed you are, how hard it is to do everything you have to do, how many responsibilities you have to shoulder? I get this feeling a lot. And it doesn’t have to be based on any “facts.” This is how I feel, and for me, my psychic truth is the only valid reality.

This is why exercising “willpower” to lose weight will only be counterproductive (unless we are talking about a seriously masochistic personality). It will only make you feel like your life has become even harder and might actually lead to an even greater weight gain.

So what is the solution? First of all, as always, we need to trace the origins of this feeling. When did you first get the feeling that you weren’t being heard or that you were dismissed whenever you felt like sharing your problems? Without understanding what caused this feeling to appear, the problem will not be solved.

The next step is to ask yourself, “What should happen to make me feel that I am being heard and that people are recognizing that life is hard for me?” When you get your answer, start talking to the people who surround you. Tell them, “Look, this is how I feel. This is the reaction I need to get from you. Please give it to me in the form I need to get it.”

I’m obviously not suggesting showing up in the Dean’s office with this request. This is something that we need to address to the people in our inner circle who, I am sure, will be happy to give us the recognition we need if we help them see how much we need it. It is very important to tell them from the outset that responding to us with, “Yes, I know exactly how you feel because I also feel totally overwhelmed” will be extremely counterproductive. Tell them that the 2 hours the conversation will last absolutely have to be only about you and the recognition of your hardship.

If there are no people in your life who are healthy and intelligent enough to assist in this exercise, the next best thing is to write. You will not get the crucial recognition of your hardship from others but at least you will get yourself to face it. Remember that there is no “objective” criterion of hardship. If you feel that things are overwhelming, then they are. You don’t need to justify it or, God forbid, measure your problems against somebody else’s. Anybody who tells you, “What are you complaining about, look at the really serious issues XYZ are facing” is your sworn enemy in this situation.

So I come into the living room and see N watching a very loud video on his computer.

“Ah, Call of Duty!” I think.

And then I come closer and discover he’s watching videos about different kinds of lawn mowers. Creepy shit, folks.

Say, does anybody know anything about mechanical lawn-mowers? The ones that don’t have an engine? I happen to have a husband who is do considerate of people that he can’t imagine disturbing the neighbors with a whirr of a lawn mower even when the neighbors rattle on their mowers all day long.

N and I are so different because it would have never occurred to me to wonder if the mower disturbed any one. When I was 6, my music teacher predicted I’d grow up to be a sociopath and a serial killer, so I’m glad my homicidal tendencies don’t go beyond not caring about the noise I might make with a lawn mower.

So did you, folks, know that these lawns have to be mowed all the time? I just had mine mowed only a week ago and it already looks overgrown. Is that normal? I thought it would take a month to grow back.

Some Ukrainian I am.

So here is how the system I described in the previous post works in practice. Irrespective of the actual amount of money I make, I always find myself in debt, counting days until the next check, always short of money. No matter how much I get, I always engineer a situation where I don’t have enough. Give me a billion dollars, and I’ll get to the same situation fast enough.

Since this is something that remains unchanged in the face of my wildly different economic circumstances throughout my life, I have to conclude that I need this situation on a profound level, even though I detest it.

And when I think about it, this makes sense. In the USSR decent people couldn’t make decent money with their hard work, so I grew up in the environment of constant worry over money, debt, putting off this payment this month to make the other one, etcetera. So I recreate the familiar feeling because it’s all I know. I detest it but at least it’s familiar. For the psyche, the familiar suffering is easier to face than an unfamiliar joy.

And now that I’ve figured it out, I hope the problem will get resolved and go away. If it doesn’t, I will know that I haven’t figured it out completely and need to do more thinking.

There is one thing that the human psyche values above else. More than pleasure, more than comfort, more than even survival. In fact, the psyche easily sacrifices all of it for the sake of this single, most important thing.

I’m talking, of course, about familiarity. The psyche seeks out familiarity and sacrifices everything for its sake.

The person who was brought up to think he’s a loser and a misfit will keep recreating the situations that will help him experience a familiar feeling of failure. An alcoholic will detest the pain, the guilt and the shame of a hangover, but she will keep recreating them because they are familiar and have accompanied her throughout her entire life. A person who grew up believing he is worthless will have suicidal tendencies because the need to prove the familiar vision of self is stronger than self-preservation.

It’s useless to tell an addict, an anxious or a depressive person, or the fan of catastrophic scenarios to get over themselves and stop. Their behavior is driven by the most potent force inside them.

This is why it is not enough to understand the root of the problem and create healthy structures instead of the familiar unhealthy ones. The new, healthy structures have to become familiar in order for the psyche to accept them. If one spent the first 30 years of one’s life recreating the familiar misery and pain, they can’t be expected to let go of these experiences and slide easily into happiness. In fact, happiness and health might prove too disturbing and painful.

It is horribly unfair that, of all things, familiarity should be what we seek with dogged determination. But it is what it is. The very first step one can make is identify the patterns in one’s life and try to explain them in terms of seeking familiar experiences one has been having since early childhood. The patterns can be both positive a negative. The goal is, of course, to leave the positive familiar structures in place and demolish the poisonous ones.

Reader twicerandomly asked me to write about national identities, and I’m happy to oblige because I love this topic.

National identities do not exist. Nations are artificial constructs invested with manufactured meaning that doesn’t have any real content except the one we force ourselves to believe in.

Whenever Spanish speakers from different countries get together, they immediately plunge into reciting endless lists of minuscule differences between them. This is the process of manufacturing national identity from nothing, and I always die of boredom the moment this activity begins because it is beyond obvious to me that if there were any real differences, narrating them would not be necessary. I mean, just think about it. In all of these conversations, I’m standing right there, as foreign as they get, and nobody feels it necessary to discuss my difference. Yes, in Argentina and Mexico you use a different word for “skirt.” Big whoop. And I use a different word for everything, yet nobody finds that super exciting.

Real difference doesn’t need to be named, constantly and obsessively, because it doesn’t need to be made more real through the act of naming. (Now apply this idea to the folks who have an overpowering need to repeat, “Men and women are different!” and you’ll see how this very need proves them wrong.)

What does exist is cultural difference. To a limited extent, cultural differences can be traced through language. As much as this will bug 90% of my readers, Americans, Canadians, Australians and the British have enormously more in common to an outsider than they have in terms of difference. And as much as it bugs me, I am part of the Russian-speaking culture and the differences between me and Russians somewhere in Saratov are pretty cosmetic.

I don’t like my culture, as I’ve said many times. And my culture doesn’t like me back, so it’s all good. If I were to write a blog in Russian, I’d have trouble finding even just half a dozen readers. In terms of interpersonal communications, I like Hispanics the most. They are so good at this stuff (cultural difference!) that you can just float right along, no effort required.

For instance, I’m looking for a cleaning lady right now, and I really want a Hispanic woman for the job. As much as I love English-speakers (the culture is the best ever for me to live in), I might not always have the energy to carry them through a conversation. English-speakers are very class-conscious and I know enough already to realize that it’s up to the person with the higher social standing to carry everybody else in a conversation. And that tires me out enormously.

There are obvious exceptions to the language rule, of course. Jews of all languages preserve their own unique culture, and I know a lot about a Jewish family two minutes after meeting them irrespective of the language the speak.

There are also post colonial structures where people speak the language of the colonizer but have a very different culture. India is an obvious example. Many Indians speak English as their native language, but culturally they have their own, very complex and unique thing going on.

The most obvious sign that people belong to the same culture is that they feel the need to reiterate their differences. Have you ever observed an American from Seattle and an American from Atlanta? There can be crowds of fresh-off-the-boat immigrants surrounding them at a party, yet they will plunge into an endless discussion of how one’s coffee is better than the other one’s ice tea while the immigrants stand there, forlorn and excluded. This is an actual experience I’ve had and I’m aware enough to know this show was inspired, to a huge degree, by the presence of actual difference.

Reader Stille came up with a brilliant idea: let’s have a regular feature on the blog where people can offer and exchange reading suggestions.

I think this is something that should definitely be done, so here is my first suggestion:

Claire Messud’s The Woman Upstairs.

I picked up this book at the end of April because it’s a huge best-seller and I needed some mindless entertainment to get me through the end of the semester. The novel, however, turned out to lie pretty close to actual literature. I spent most of the book praying that the author wouldn’t kill the whole thing by offering “explanations” of what is going on to attract more readers of the facile kind but Messud didn’t succumb to the temptation.

The Woman Upstairs is a very powerful female Bildungsroman that fits into the category of female novels of development I studied in my own book. The novel’s protagonist is precisely one of those heroines who chooses to stunt her own growth and dedicates her entire life to the project of self-infantilization. The novel is very well-written, engrossing, and really spot-on in terms of human psychology. Forget about all the Franzens and Eugenideses and read Messud instead!

While I’m busy packing and grading (because the move to the new house and the end of the semester just had to coincide), so in the meanwhile, please enjoy this roundup of links.

“AFTER spending two years studying services for domestic violence survivors, I was surprised to realize that one of the most common barriers to women’s safety was something I had never considered before: the high value our culture places on two-parent families.” Seriously? Some people are like giraffes, every grain of the painfully obvious takes forever to reach their heads.

“I therefore propose that a person who has served with tenure for 35 years, be eligible for reappointment, one year at a time. In that way, the person has the right to apply to stay longer and the department has the ability to agree or not agree.” Even just a few years ago, I’d disagree. But I have seen a lot since then and I’m thinking this is a very good idea.

“If I end up alone I want to live a life so fabulous and lush that my attached friends would be envious of my freedom,” somebody on Reddit is claimed to have said. Of course, the poor idiot doesn’t realize that there is no freedom without obsessing over what others think of your life.

“First, I should say that a certain level of anxiety is healthy. There is our ‘flight or fight’ response that helps us sense danger. There is the nerves we feel when we do something new or challenging. It pushes us to step outside our comfort zones and try our best. Not all anxiety is bad. In fact, anxiety can be helpful.” Or one could get treated and have no need to convince oneself that being crippled with anxiety is a good thing. But who needs that boring mental health anyways.

Country fans do more damage than troops in a war zone.

The ugliest dress known to humanity.

An extremely disturbing trend in some workplaces.

Chip cards finally come to the US. Magnetic strips are such a pain in the ass, so I’m happy.

Russian intelligence is working hard to destabilize Ukraine.

Sometimes, I’m beyond ecstatic to be from my culture and not, say, the one described in the linked post.

And I’m also ecstatic that I’m not from this culture either.

“The basic idea of École 42 is to throw all the students — 800 to 1,000 per year — into a single building in the heart of Paris, give them Macs with big Cinema displays, and throw increasingly difficult programming challenges at them. The students are given little direction about how to solve the problems, so they have to turn to each other — and to the Internet — to figure out the solutions.” It is tragic that some poor losers are being offered this ridiculous way to waste time in lieu of education.

“Feminism is in control of America’s colleges and universities, where its principles at least are held as dogmas unquestioned and unopposed.” Can I get a list of these colleges and universities because I’d love to go there? Of course not because they only exist in this author’s diseased imagination.

“Contrary to popular belief, taking the Harvard grad over the smaller community school grad isn’t only elitist–it may mean you’re not getting the best or smartest employee, either. In fact, you probably just shouldn’t hire someone from Harvard.” Don’t you worry, dear author. Those of us who graduate from the Ivies and don’t have a Daddy eager to employ us find it hard to overcome these ridiculous prejudices as it is.

Finally, The Professor Is In blog is back to publishing good, useful posts. Here is one on how to plan one’s research strategy when getting on the tenure track.

“The point is that you have to be meritorious, but you also have to have someone who will be happy to nominate you, proactive about doing it, and who knows how these nominations are written. And it needs to start early, as early as possible.” Meaning that I’m screwed. Oh well.

“Bars in Alaska have installed free pregnancy tests in their women’s bathrooms in an effort to curb drinking among pregnant women.” Whatever the reasoning behind this, I think it’s a great idea because these tests are expensive and it would be helpful to get them for free at least someplace. 

“When terrible things happen to other people in other countries, and the cries for humanitarian intervention mount, I feel an emotional tug: We should do something to stop those terrible things! But then I think about someone who lives somewhere that doesn’t house a planetary armory. Does my doppelganger in Costa Rica or Lichtenstein feel that same tug? I don’t mean the natural human empathy for people who suffer; I mean that combination of guilt and duty that makes one feel like a shit, a bad person, for not doing anything or for opposing those who want to do something.” No, your guilt is something you use to enjoy yourself. Other people have healthier ways of getting their kicks.

“The “good” vs. “bad” migrant dichotomy was created so that those we construct as “other” can never have the capital, power, or security to fight back. This is a lie we are told in order to justify a system that creates economic conditions forcing black and brown people to migrate, then exploits them and criminalizes them.” As an immigrant, I find it very offensive that anybody would suggest there is no difference between me and some free-loader who hates the country he emigrated to, refuses to learn the language or adapt, and spends all his time belly-aching about how all Americans or Canadians are stupid and gross.

A very good exercise in mental hygiene. I’m so doing it right after I move.

And the post of the week is a beautiful post on pleasure from Jonathan Mayhew.

The last entertainment book I’ve found worth the time was Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl. Of course, it’s poorly plotted, badly written, and makes no sense at all but I find the very phenomenon of its insane popularity to be curious.

In case you don’t know, this is the most popular novel the mystery / suspense / thriller genre has produced in the past two years. Everybody has read it, and many people read it more than once. The whole point of the novel (and I hope nobody considers this a spoiler) is that you spend the first 70% of the book believing that the female protagonist is a pathetic, needy, clingy victim and then discover she’s none of these things.

So if there is anybody here who wants to write fiction, here is a free pointer: there is an enormous audience eager for books about non-pathetic women. The readers of novels are women. And while many still want Shades of Grey, there is a very strong need for the opposite.

I just read a great article on Slate about YA literature and discovered that 28% of those who buy these books are people between the ages of 30 and 44. I’m not in the least surprised because this is precisely the age bracket when most people stop developing intellectually.

In a related development, it seems I have lost all capacity to read books in the entertainment category. I decided to take a break from serious reading and picked up two “strictly for fun” books. I’m now struggling with the first one of them, called Defending Jacob, a huge best seller. I, however, find it exasperating in its complete shallowness. Nothing makes sense, the characters are all robotic and stupid.

There is one more “strictly to pass time” book I bought, and that’s my last hope of getting some mindless, stupefied fun this summer.