So here is how the system I described in the previous post works in practice. Irrespective of the actual amount of money I make, I always find myself in debt, counting days until the next check, always short of money. No matter how much I get, I always engineer a situation where I don’t have enough. Give me a billion dollars, and I’ll get to the same situation fast enough.
Since this is something that remains unchanged in the face of my wildly different economic circumstances throughout my life, I have to conclude that I need this situation on a profound level, even though I detest it.
And when I think about it, this makes sense. In the USSR decent people couldn’t make decent money with their hard work, so I grew up in the environment of constant worry over money, debt, putting off this payment this month to make the other one, etcetera. So I recreate the familiar feeling because it’s all I know. I detest it but at least it’s familiar. For the psyche, the familiar suffering is easier to face than an unfamiliar joy.
And now that I’ve figured it out, I hope the problem will get resolved and go away. If it doesn’t, I will know that I haven’t figured it out completely and need to do more thinking.