This is an exercise for established, committed, long-term relationships. If you met somebody amazing 4 days ago, that is also an extremely valuable relationship but this exercise won’t work for you. This is for couples who have been together in deep, profound relationships for a long time.
Make a list of 3 things that you love, admire, and adore about your partner. Now make a list of 3 things that annoy, bug, and disturb you about her or him.
While you are making your list, let me share mine. The things I love about my partner are:
1. He is very sensitive and emotionally generous.
2. He has no intellectual rigidity whatsoever.
3. He is very meticulous and organized.
And the things I don’t like that much about him are:
1. He’s so damn sensitive! There are so many emotions all of the time, and he expects everybody (meaning me) to walk on egg-shells around them.
2. He’s very fatalistic to the point of being superstitious.
3. Small things impact him excessively. For instance, he needs to get his 8 hours of sleep and will get them even if the end of the world begins.
Now, both of these lists are not really about my partner. These are the qualities that I possess but, for a variety of psychological, social, familial, personal, etc reasons can’t allow myself to exhibit. So he’s carrying the burden for me and enacts the characteristics I feel I can’t afford to have.
Of course, these are all genuinely his qualities. But he’s also enacting them a lot more strongly than he would without me being around.
So if your partner drives you nuts with, say, being irresponsible and profligate, maybe it’s time for you to allow yourself to be a little less responsible and frugal so that he or she doesn’t have to do it for two.
For me this means that I have to stop being the Iron Lady who overcomes every hardship and subsists on very little sleep. Of course, this is easier said than done but understanding the problem is the first step to solving it.
Clarissa's Blog 
Well, #1 on both list is the same. And #3 is almost the same thing, or at least two facets of the same trait. I don’t know how lack of rigidity relates to fatalism?
So the take-away point is that it is impossible to separate negative traits from positive one, and that negative ones have a certain positive value. For example, one of my negative traits (according to partner) is I can’t fix anything mechanical. But really that is saying that she cannot just accept the fact that I am being klutzy enough for the both of us!
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“Well, #1 on both list is the same.”
– Yes, there is definitely such a thing as too much of a good thing. 🙂 And here is where we answer the question of why I can’t allow myself to be more emotional: I’m afraid the emotions will run away from me and become uncontrollable.
“So the take-away point is that it is impossible to separate negative traits from positive one”
– That’s just my list. Other people can end up having widely different qualities on the two lists.
” and that negative ones have a certain positive value.”
– If something is happening in a relationship over a long period of time, it means both partners need it to keep happening, no matter how much they protest.
“For example, one of my negative traits (according to partner) is I can’t fix anything mechanical. But really that is saying that she cannot just accept the fact that I am being klutzy enough for the both of us!”
– Maybe her dexterity shines all the brighter against the background of your klutziness. 🙂
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One’s long term relationship is, of course, a deep and rich tapestry comprising many colorful threads. It is, the case, though, that I’ve married pretty much the only person in the world who can make me look and feel well-organized. So long as the gratification of feeling like I’m in control of my surroundings > my annoyance at his mess, we’re good.
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Mike is extremely apelike and not sensitive in his language. He lopes around spreading his faeces everywhere. Sometimes he runs and hides.
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Good! And now how about the qualities you don’t like? 🙂
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Oh, his grotesque apelike demeanor.
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Point taken. The one thing I don’t like about my husband is how he can be really irresponsible at times about small things of course, like parking tickets on time, for example. But honestly speaking, I sometimes do let small things worry me too much, and I would like to be less responsible about such trivialities myself.
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Have you and N. considered he might be highly sensitive (HSP)? It sounds like this from your description. If yes, then his need for 8 hours of sleep and his emotional reactions won’t ever change much even if you change your behaviour.. 🙂 I’m also an HSP and my partner has mild Asperger’s (both according to our own diagnosis) and I think this combination works beautifully. 🙂
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Different individuals have different physiologic sleep requirements, and individual adults have different sleep requirements with aging. I used to be able to function reasonably well for an entire workday on 4 hours sleep if needed, but recently I have noted that my efficiency tanks much more quickly. I also have found that I can’t maintain a 6 hour sleep schedule for a week.
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I’m fairly sure N has sleep apnea and he will get tested for it soon.
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1 (like): so calm. 1 (dislike): controlling, from my pov but then I see that even when it is not there … and it is when I do not notice it that it actually means there is a problem.
Comment: what I like is what my mother lacked. What I dislike is also her main characteristic. I learned from her what it was to be in relationship and this training does persist. Interesting.
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