My first immigration was euphoric, ecstatic, there was no trauma at all. The second immigration, however, was deeply traumatic. Today I can say that it took me about 10 years to get mostly over the trauma, which is normal for adult immigrants. (Of course, there are those who loudly insist there was no trauma. These are the ones who never got over theirs. Just like those who get divorced.)
The biggest factor in this difference was age. Our psychological problems get more difficult to carry as we get older. (This is, by the way, the reason why many people believe that psychological problems are acquired much later than they actually are.) The trauma of immigration was imperceptible while I was young and my psychological burden was still easy to carry. But as I got older, it got harder to carry these problems without falling down.
Now I’m almost entirely over it and don’t even want to go back to Canada. They have sales tax, their political space is boring, there’s never anything to buy, the field of Hispanic Studies is overrun by a mafia, and – to use a tired old cliché – there are not nearly as many opportunities. The US is a very slowly and laboriously acquired taste but once I did acquire it, I really dig it.
Clarissa's Blog 
“The field of Hispanic Studies is overrun by a mafia”
-What? Are there more details?
LikeLike
The field is in the hands of people who don’t want any competition, so anybody with any talent is marginalized and sabotaged at every turn. The country is small population-wise, there are not that many universities with a Spanish program, so it’s easy to control each department and make sure that no undesirables squeeze in. I know people who were promising young scholars and are now just broken shells because the mafia closed down every opportunity to them. This has been going on for 30 years at least and the result is that the field is literally eviscerated.
LikeLike
“Our psychological problems get more difficult to carry as we get older. (This is, by the way, the reason why many people believe that psychological problems are acquired much later than they actually are.)”
Wow. This makes a ton of sense. Thank you. And it also reminds me of something Jonathan Mayhew once told me, that great insights often come in the parentheses.)
LikeLike
I wanted to ask your opinion on something, as a fellow immigrant.
I love my life here in the US (it’s not perfect, but it’s very good, and is of the kind I chose). I really don’t want to go back to see my folks and intellectually I know that I should, as they are getting older and one day they won’t be here any more. But it’s very far and I just don’t want to go and avoid seeing them.
I feel very guilty for not wanting to see them, but I still don’t.
They were good parents so I really don’t begrudge them, at least intellectually. If they lived closer, I think would go see them.
Part of it is that I am sick and tired of travel (I travel a lot for work) and if I never travel across the ocean in my life again, I will be fine with that. So that part would be my laziness and not wanting to inconvenience myself.
My whole old life feels like a million years ago and I would just prefer it if I never had to think about it ever again. There is nothing there for me any more, the city has changed, my parents and sister live in three different places, none of which is my childhood home. They have all moved on and I am happy for them, but I kind of want to keep being happy from a distance.
My question is how common is the not wanting anything to do with ancestral home in immigrants (in the absence of abuse)? Is it even normal? Would you consider it part of the immigration trauma? If anything, it seems to me most immigrants I know can’t wait to go see old family and travel back over breaks and holidays. Just makes me feel all the more like a total a$$hole.
LikeLike
“If anything, it seems to me most immigrants I know can’t wait to go see old family and travel back over breaks and holidays.”
I know! I’m the only person I’m aware of who has never gone back to the home country since emigrating 17,5 years ago. My parents and sister are in Canada but they’ve all been back to Ukraine except for me. I just don’t see the point. I think that immigrants love to go back to a place that feels known and comfortable. But I never felt comfortable back there, so why would I go? It’s expensive, too, and I feel like I’d rather spend this money on traveling to a place I know I will enjoy.
So yes, I’m totally with you, I don’t get the point of going back. When people ask I say, “hey, if I liked it so much, I would have simply stayed.”
My husband is not as radical but he’s also indifferent to going back. He could go or he could not go, it doesn’t matter much to him either way.
I kind of think that this is healthier than not being able to let the past go and needing to nourish oneself with these visits back.
LikeLike
\ I kind of think that this is healthier than not being able to let the past go and needing to nourish oneself with these visits back.
I do not think it must be either your indifference (while staying an Ukrainian patriot 🙂 ) or “needing to nourish oneself.” Some people may want to visit both worlds / countries in a healthy fashion.
I do not plan ever to visit Ukraine (nobody close to me is there and I don’t even know or like the language), but would love to visit my relatives in Russia and see Peterburg / Leningrad. My mother stayed there once for several months and loved the city.
LikeLike
St Petersburg is beautiful, it’s like a work of art. But the people are the most low-cultured bunch ever. Everybody is vulgar and has horrible manners.
When N still danced, we played this game where he’d show me photos of people at the milongas (all of whom were Russian, of course) and I’d immediately know who was from St Petersburg because of the outlandish clothes and poses.
LikeLike
I think it may be also sometimes useful to visit one’s former country to put some things into perspective, resolve some old traumas, etc. Depends on the nature of the traumas, of course, so it is likely not universal…
And some things are really hard to explain – like the feeling of the natural places that were “your’s” practically since birth… Eternal things, like pne forests, lakes, dunes, etc. Somehow I am more and more alienated from the people and politics of my former country, but its nature is still “mine”… No matter how much I appreciate all the natural beauties of North America – Jasper, Utah, whatever…
LikeLike
Ahhh… and I was about to send you a link to a UWaterloo TT JOB in SPANISH. But as you correctly wrote, it will go to the mafia. Cough UofT. Cough UOttawa.
LikeLike
Cough McGill. Cough Concordia. Cough Universite de Montreal. Cough Dalhousie. I could continue. . . 🙂
But I do want to start looking for something new next year. It will maybe take me 5 years to find anything but I’m not in a hurry. Did you see the new MLA report about the number of jobs in our field shrinking again?
LikeLike
I refuse to read anything MLA-related. I hate everything about the MLA, minus its quotation system. Is it bad? Even in Spanish? Ihad the impression that it was getting better that 5 years ago.
Oh… there was also a TT job at the UQTrois-Rivières. Cough UdM.
The two TT jobs in Canada this year (2!!!! BONANZA) in the field of Hispanic Studies (sort of) are in translations studies. What the !&#&?$ is that????
Once I publish a little bit more I will likely go on the market again, even if it implies a big change in the nature of my work. I feel that I intimidate many people in my department with my unsettling and elegant ideas, which is pretty sad taking in consideration that the mailbox I liked the most was number 7.
LikeLike
\ Our psychological problems get more difficult to carry as we get older.
Why? How does it work?
\ This is, by the way, the reason why many people believe that psychological problems are acquired much later than they actually are.
Can’t they be acquired later in life as a result of experiences in adult life? Do you imply ALL problems are always acquired in childhood?
And I haven’t understood what happened with your trauma of 1st immigration. Did it exist?
On another topic, we don’t cook anything special but you said you would for Soviet New Year. Will there be photos of a tree and your food? 🙂
LikeLike
“\ Our psychological problems get more difficult to carry as we get older.
Why? How does it work?”
“And I haven’t understood what happened with your trauma of 1st immigration. Did it exist?”
“On another topic, we don’t cook anything special but you said you would for Soviet New Year. Will there be photos of a tree and your food?”
LikeLike
I ended up liking my life in the US too, but I think that I need a one-hour drive distance to really appreciate my southern neighbor.
LikeLike