People who battle their mother- and father-in-law in reality want to battle their parents but don’t dare to. In-laws are “parents for dummies” or “parents light” and going after them is a less scary, easier version of rebelling against the actual parents.
Fathers- and mothers-in-law who battle their children’s spouses are playing out an unconfessed incestuous scenario. It doesn’t involve any sex. It’s all about seeing their own children as substitute romantic partners.
When the incestuous scenario on one side and the thwarted rebellion on the other side come together, painful, protracted battles that span decades ensue.
P.S. This isn’t about me, these are general musings. I saw my mother-in-law twice on Skype and she was very cordial yet indifferent. Which works perfectly for me.
Clarissa's Blog 
My parents were long gone when I met my husband; his mother is a narcacistic P.I.TA. (a sad case, really). When it dawned on me during our engagement that this was something of an unfair trade, that I would be getting in-laws when we married and my intended wouldn’t, with a twinkle in his eyes, my future DH replied, “That is why I chose you!”
The most important thing I think is for the grown child to set boundaries with his/her parents, leaving the child-in-law/spouse out of it.
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As adults, we don’t engage with our actual parents, we engage with internalized images of parents who might or might not bear much resemblance to the actual people. The problem is that it’s much harder to place the dead parents under critical scrutiny. So people who marry orphans are actually worse off, not better off. You are the one who should have been gloating this entire time. 🙂
You are right, of course, in that all the boundary setting is the obligation of the child, not the spouse.
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All of my grandparents are gone. Of course this doesn’t apply to people who lose their parents as adults? Telling my mother her parents did a number on her is impossible. My father’s parents are sainted as well. I just stick to vague tree references.
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Those with sainted parents are the most hopeless. 😦 It’s sad.
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I dunno, I put in my years of therapy. When you grow up middle-class and Jewish in New York City, therapy is just about a given. Or at least it was back in my day.
I admit there are certainly things about my parents I will never quite get: after all, I was not around for the first few formative decades of their lives, and my childhood perceptions and memories are just that, thoughts of a very immature and unsophisticated person. There is always going to be missing information. If I ask friends and family who knew them before I did, then I have to sift through their mishagosh, and that can be very fraught.
Still, I think I have developed a fairly balanced view of my parents, and also a good bit of empathy for their limitations. Of which sadly they had many.
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I have absolutely no idea why your comment was stuck in moderation. Sorry!
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Do not fear, when my years of therapy were done, my perceptions of my parents were hardly idealized. ;^)
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I’m sure you are fine and are aware of everything you need to be aware of. For many people, though, the jail of patriarchal prohibitions us impossible to escape. 😦
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My eldest daughter is engaged to a fellow from the mountains of North Carolina where they fly the “Stars and Bars” while talking about the “War of Northern Aggression” and her twin sister is dating a guy from an old Connecticut Yankee family. And come to think of it my Ex comes from a hardcore United Empire Loyalist family. This should be interesting.
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Family events will never be boring. 🙂
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