Don’t Apologize for Existing

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Clarissa

July 17, 2016

One great piece of advice from Academaze is never to enter into long and tortured explanations that nobody asks you for. If you can’t make it to a committee or a meeting, just say, “No, I can’t be there.”

This is especially pertinent for women who often do feel the need to accompany every “no, I can’t” with “because I only have the sitter until 3 pm and I don’t think my husband can get out of work early, I mean, he sometimes can but this week he has a project, so I don’t think I can make it, sorry, but there is a ton of this other shit I’m willing to do to overcompensate for the terrible sin of having a life outside of work.”

That inner guilt-tripper that makes you constantly apologize for existing is not your friend.

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7 responses to “Don’t Apologize for Existing ”

James

July 17, 2016

I certainly don’t apologize for existing. But I commented last night on another blog and another commenter replied, “No one asked you.” It’s a blog where people opine freely on all kinds of things. Are we supposed to reply only to direct questions? I don’t think so.

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1. Clarissa
  
  July 17, 2016
  
  Of course, if there are things you want to say, you should. This advice is more for people who feel that they have to explain when they don’t want to.
  
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cliff arroyo

July 18, 2016

just say, “No, I can’t be there.”

Well that’s liable to break the informal American politeness rule: When giving bad or unwanted news, soften the blow with a perfunctory expression of regret
(it’s one of the things we have instead of tu and usted…)

“I’m sorry, I can’t be there.”

“I’m afraid I can’t make it this time.”

The general principle is certainly right though. Don’t give explanations unless asked and even if asked you shouldn’t give any more than the bare minimum or no details.

“Scheduling complications, I won’t bore you with the details.” works pretty well.

If they still want details, make up some random nonsense (veering off into anecdotes from your made up past).

“Well, actually the roots of the problem go back four years, that’s when I was painting my apartment because I decided wallpaper just wouldn’t do anymore and that was a lot more work than I’d counted on because… oh wait, no that was three…. years ago, let me think…. three years ago my pet turtle died and I had to find a turtle sitter for the painting so it must have been four years ago, yes, four. Anwyay, the paint store didn’t have the color I wanted and so I had to put the painting off for a week while they back ordered and then they still didn’t have it…. (continue until the person wanders away or stops you).

If they still want details? Bring up something new

“that upshot is I have to be in a bank in Rochester (anywhere more than two or three hundred miles away will do) to co-sign for the loan on the dairy farm….. I told you it was complicated!”

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1. Clarissa
  
  July 18, 2016
  
  In one’s personal life, yes, politeness should win. But at work, every “I’m sorry” and “because” are giving away power. There must be a reason to do that. Otherwise, I’d ditch the I’m sorrys.
  
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cliff arroyo

July 18, 2016

Also if you don’t care about maintaining any kind of cordial relationship with the asker, when they ask for details you can just say

“It’s called a ‘private life’ for a reason.”

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Jones

July 18, 2016

Yes, but in your case, I had to leave a note because you were likely to send a search team for me eventually …

This would have ended horribly for the search team, and so I couldn’t allow it.

[will now not apologise for exiting since this was in fact someone else’s fault]

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1. Clarissa
  
  July 18, 2016
  
  You were only being polite and not obnoxious like the people I’m describing.
  
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