As a follow-up to the Not OK post, I want to share a story. I took a course in American Modernism as an undergrad. The readings were amazing. I still can recite the entire reading list 16 years later, it was that good. We had 86 people in the course (which is huge for a literature classroom) because when you say “modernism” people start running towards you like eager bulls in Pamplona. The TAs were amazing, the small group discussions were perfect.
But the course was a bust because of the professor’s truly atrocious English. It wasn’t just English lit, it was modernism. You’ve got to be able to express yourself with some elegance. This prof, though, had such an incomprehensible accent and such poor spoken vocabulary that most of his lectures were useless. The point is not who hired him and why – he might have been a brilliant researcher with a perfect written English. What I wonder is why nobody in his life – or in the life of the woman with the speech impediment or the fat dance instructor – cared enough about them to tell them that their choice of profession was bad.
I cannot boast a wide circle of acquaintances but I did have people in my life who cared enough to tell me that my writing in English sucked and who took the trouble of finding a way to deliver that message without hurting my feelings. And when I improved my writing style and still couldn’t get published, I had somebody who cared enough to explain why that was.
Is it really caring if you are setting a person up for failure and ridicule simply because you don’t want the unpleasantness of being honest? Self-awareness is the most elusive skill of all, and if people who care don’t mention things to us, we will simply never know.
Clarissa's Blog 
I read somewhere recently about a difference between being nice and being kind. Being nice is being polite and avoiding confrontation. Being kind implies caring for the other person and having their best interest and their growth in mind; being kind might lead to temporary unpleasantness, but the ultimate result is something good and real. While being kind often means that you are also being nice, one can easily be nice and not give a fuck, while a person who is kind is truly on your side, and the difference comes across when honest feedback is sought and given, like in your examples above.
As a PhD advisor, a part of my job is to give honest feedback so that the students can objectively assess their chances of landing the type of job they want. Often, when I am on search committees, for many applicants I wonder why they never bothered to seek feedback or were never fortunate enough to get some from a colleague who’s kind and who would tell them not to waste their time, as they will never get the type of job they seek. But I know enough people who have received kind advice and chose to ignore it; for most, ignoring honest feedback turned out to be a bad idea and a waste of time.
(Btw, I remember you wrote about the person who told you to improve your writing. I didn’t know and would like to hear more about the advice you were given when your writing improved but you still couldn’t get published.)
LikeLike
Turns out that the structure of my articles was bad. I structured them like mystery novels: a question in the first paragraph and an answer in the last. But it turned out that you need to start with the answer. Ideally, in the very first sentence. Once I found out, it all started working out.
LikeLike
I cannot boast a wide circle of acquaintances but I did have people in my life who cared enough to tell me that my writing in English sucked and who took the trouble of finding a way to deliver that message without hurting my feelings.
Constructive criticism is a gift and like all gifts it can be rejected. Most people are really bad at accepting any kind of criticism no matter how constructive or soft and see anything but praise as unmitigated aggression. It’s not a generational thing, by any means.
You assume nobody told the professors or the dance teacher with their issues. It’s just as likely they plowed ahead despite being told about their accent, speech impediments or movement-impeding fatness.
LikeLike
Psych 101 classes tend to start with the question of, “Have you seen a mentally disturbed person in the streets? Do you think they have been told they are mentally disturbed? What makes you think they have? Have you told them? No? Then maybe nobody else did.”
LikeLike
I remember a similar problem decades ago in medical school. Some of our classes consisted of films featuring renowned physicians who were world-famous experts in their specialty , and occasionally such experts would come to our school as guest lecturers.
Many of these doctors had extremely heavy accents, and some were elderly and had trouble speaking clearly, and it was almost impossible for the students to understand what they were saying.
Obviously, the ability to be an expert and to do brilliant research in any field, medical or otherwise, doesn’t automatically translate into the ability to communicate effectively to an audience in formal lectures.
LikeLike
Doctors are one thing. But English lit? If it’s not about language, there’s nothing much left to it.
LikeLike
The point is the same. If the persons giving the lecture can’t communicate their expertise effectively, students can’t learn from them.
LikeLike
” If the persons giving the lecture can’t communicate their expertise effectively, students can’t learn from them.”
LikeLike
I have no patience for people who cannot take criticism, and I am the only person in my department that gives honest, thorough feedback. English majors almost never have me until they are juniors or seniors, and then they say things like, “omg! Why didn’t anyone else tell me I did XYZ in my writing besides you?” I cannot tell you how many times I hear things like that. I figure there’s no point in being an English teacher if you’re not going to actually teach the students anything about writing. And yet, our writing director thinks I shouldn’t give so much feedback… ugh. Meanwhile, the students have epiphanies constantly in my major classes. (Not in Humanities, but that’s another nightmare altogether.)
Anyway, I do think that people need to be told when they are not suited for something. I also think they need to be encouraged when they are good, but could be better, and have the passion to chase that goal. For instance, I would like to be able to support myself through my writing, instead of teaching and writing on the side. But I feel like I need some sort of encouragement from someone who is doing what I’d like to do. Hubby is very encouraging, but he has to be — he has to live with me. If a professional writer told me that I’d survive, I’d be more willing to believe it. Professional writers are very blunt about such things — they have to be. Being an artist (of any kind) in this country is no picnic.
LikeLike
When, when are you finally going to share one of your short stories with me? I’m extremely curious.
LikeLike
“When, when are you finally going to share one of your short stories with me? I’m extremely curious.” LOL. I’m afraid you’ll tell me that I should give up writing! haha!
How about I email you a link to my website? You can pick something to read from there. Although I hate to say, I think my best story is the one that is not available online — only in print. It used to be considered totally lame to publish online. But now, I feel like publishing in a print-only format is no good. You can’t share it easily, and that makes self-promotion (the duty of all good Americans) much more difficult.
LikeLike
I can see that you are a great writer from your blog, so I’m not worried! ☺ Do email me the link!
LikeLike
Okay – I sent it. I also found the proof from the print-only short story, so I attached that as well. Read at your own risk. haha!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you! I’m looking forward to reading them!
LikeLike
“But the course was a bust because of the professor’s truly atrocious English. It wasn’t just English lit, it was modernism. You’ve got to be able to express yourself with some elegance. This prof, though, had such an incomprehensible accent and such poor spoken vocabulary that most of his lectures were useless. The point is not who hired him and why – he might have been a brilliant researcher with a perfect written English. What I wonder is why nobody in his life… cared enough about them to tell them that their choice of profession was bad.”
His choice of profession is not bad because his profession is only about writing and being published.
LikeLike
“But the course was a bust because of the professor’s truly atrocious English. It wasn’t just English lit, it was modernism. You’ve got to be able to express yourself with some elegance. This prof, though, had such an incomprehensible accent and such poor spoken vocabulary that most of his lectures were useless. The point is not who hired him and why – he might have been a brilliant researcher with a perfect written English. What I wonder is why nobody in his life… cared enough about them to tell them that their choice of profession was bad.”
His choice of profession is not bad because his profession is only about writing and being published, so nobody cared about his speaking flaws.
LikeLike
Test
LikeLike