Wedding Etiquette

Folks, how normal is it to invite people to your wedding through Facebook invites? The wedding in question is overseas, and I don’t mean Canada. I mean the kind of overseas I’ve never been to. The wedding will be a big fancy affair in December. The bride and groom are not eloping kids but serious folks in their thirties. Am I being a stuffy old fusspot to feel that it’s bizarre to get invited through FB?

I was excited to go (I knew I’d be invited, I’m a relative). But I don’t feel like responding to FB invites. FB invites are for local bake sales and pottery classes.

Maybe they are still planning to send out real invitations. In the meantime, I’ll sit here with the FB invite sticking in my craw.

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37 thoughts on “Wedding Etiquette”

  1. I’m no expert on weddings, but…

    It seems socially inappropriate to me to send out an invitation for something as personal as a wedding via social media. I still think certain things should be handled by old-fashioned snail mail and a formal printed invitation.

    If you want to make the excuse that international postage rates are expensive (and they are), then the invitation should at least come through a personalized e-mail.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. These folks are definitely not hurting for money.

      The problem is that I’m related to the groom but I never met the bride. I need to know that she is aware he’s inviting me and is not opposed. And how am I supposed to know it without an actual invitation?

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  2. On one hand, hardly anyone saves wedding invitations unless they’re the couple, or they’re trying to start a lookbook for their own wedding invites. So why spend good money on invitations? People care way more about the food & the liquor bar (depending on the group). Plus it might be easier to remember and locate the information for many people (who sign into Facebook everyday and misplace cards.)

    On the other hand, I’ve never ever seen Facebook wedding invitations to a destination wedding (I assume it’s nobody’s hometown) or anyone’s wedding. You are asking people to be part of your special day at great expense and if they can’t make it, they feel obligated to send you a gift. Your guests might see it as sending an early signal that you won’t be thinking of the comfort of the guests who do make it by skimping out on stuff. Maybe it’s good as a save-the-date announcement to follow up on a real invite?

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    1. The last time I went to a wedding, the guests didn’t get in on the free food and the booze unless they were invited to the wedding and to the reception that followed it. Is that no longer the case?

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        1. The idea you’d have a destination wedding (is it one of those?) and you’d not feed your guests is…
          I can’t think your relative would expect or ask you to come all that way, and not invite you to both the wedding and reception.

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          1. It’s all always taken care of if you come on the bride’s side. But men never take control of their weddings and are usually clueless. I need to know for sure that I’m wanted by both of them there.

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            1. “But men never take control of their weddings and are usually clueless.”

              That’s because grooms are usually scared spitless. I’ve never seen a nervous bride (they’s finally caught their prey), but the men are shaking so hard you can hear their bodies hum.

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              1. “That’s because grooms are usually scared spitless.”

                It’s like you’re living in a 1950s sitcom.

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              2. “This might have been true in the 19th century.”

                It was true as recently as the late 1960s, when some of my idiot classmates thought they needed to get married because they were seniors in medical school. They were so pale and ashen-looking during their last two weeks as bachelors that if we’d seen them in the ER, we’d have laid them down on a gurney and administered them oxygen.

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  3. A lot of people in my age group (mid to late 30s) do Facebook events for their wedding as a way to keep people informed of things, answer FAQs, etc. Basically, it serves the purpose a wedding website would have ten years ago. They still send real invites and things though.

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  4. ” I’m related to the groom”

    Where is the bride from and what is wedding etiquette where she’s from?

    I can’t imagine anyone being expected to take FB invitations to a wedding seriously, but I can’t imagine anyone willingly spending more than about two minutes on FB so I’m not a reliable source…

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    1. Something tells me that everybody on her side is getting am invitation. But then everybody on her side is right there and doesn’t need to take complicated and expensive flights.

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      1. What I don’t like is the pressure to respond to the FB invite. I’m not responding until I see a real paper invitation.

        For my wedding in 2019 everybody is getting real invitations.

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        1. In my experience, the more informal electronic type invitations comes before the wedding invitation. You don’t have to respond but it helps the couple plan things like venue size well in advance. (These days the venue has to be booked well before it would be normal to send out paper invitations.) And you aren’t tying yourself to anything if you indicate you are planning on going over fb. I’ve had several couple send an electronic type announcement before the more formal paper invitation. It’s generally just a quick way of sharing info.

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  5. After having to chase many people down for RSVPs, I could see sending out paper invitations but using Facebook to coordinate, and to get a good headcount quickly. Of course, I’m not planning a second wedding anytime soon, so it’s too late for me to learn anything useful from my past experiences.

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  6. I would venture to guess that a real invitation will come in the mail. This strikes me as an informal way to share and gather information early in the process.

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  7. February is pretty early for an invite to a December wedding (although not if overseas travel has to be planned I suppose). My guess/hope is that this is a preliminary heads-up notification that you will be invited, and that the real invitation will arrive later.

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    1. It’s a very tiny town on an island and all the 3 hotels are booked up.already. I honestly don’t know where we are supposed to stay if they keep dawdling much longer with the invites.

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    2. To my permanent & everlasting irritation, my closest cousin scheduled her wedding in India the week of Thanksgiving and only told me two months in advance. That year, another cousin scheduled her wedding a month later. So not only did I have to worry about maximum surcharges for plane tickets, I also had to choose between weddings and going to one but not the other would have been seen as a snub.

      So I went to neither.

      My closest cousin lives in America so she knew damn well that 1)everyone fights for Thanksgiving vacation scheduling, 2)vacation is limited so any India trip means using all the vacation alloted for a year [because ha ha you need a week to get over jetlag and you lose two days in traveling because of time zones, so two weeks is barely anything] and 3)traveling during tourist season is very expensive and 4)as someone doing an international wedding it’s not like she could’ve done it in a month even with her future in laws handling everything.

      A cheap flight to India in economy for one person during the off-seasons is $1000 round trip.

      Any flights in late November through New Years’ have their prices jacked sky high, no matter where you go in the world.

      Ok, now I’m irritated at your relatives for you, Clarissa. Someone had better send a paper invitation or call very quickly to invite you.

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      1. So this is actually going to be a traditional Hindu wedding. But it’s not in India. It’s one of those Hindu communities in the Caribbean. There will be 450 guests. And ok, many are local so they won’t need lodging. But it’s a Christmas season wedding on a Caribbean island. There will be tourists all over the place. Which is why I’m worried.

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      2. “A cheap flight to India in economy for one person during the off-seasons is $1000 round trip.”

        Air China, China Southern, and China Eastern have made trips to India very affordable. I flew last year during thanksgiving time (nov 20 – dec 2) for less than $450 round trip, and it wasn’t even the cheapest option. There was a flight for $390 that I didn’t choose because the arrival time didn’t work for me.

        Do these airlines operate where you live?

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        1. Nope.

          Of course I’ve never lived at an international hub so pretty much any flight to India ends up going through NYC. JFK has those airlines; EWR has just Air China and LaGuardia doesn’t have those airlines as far as I can tell.

          Most flights out of where I live go through Atlanta and none of those airlines go through Atlanta. For the other airports in FL, none of those airlines operate out of there either.

          So I’ll see but I don’t know if I’d be able to get connecting from where I live to the NYC hubs. Thanks!

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  8. I will say it: destination weddings suck. It’s unfair for expect people to pay so much to come partake and then also have to buy a present and whatnot.

    Fuck large weddings in general. What a giant waste of money.

    I don’t understand why the couple can’t just go wherever for their honeymoon or put a downpayment on a house or anything other than what amounts to a giant party. The destination weddings seems wrong and wasteful and demanding far too much from guests on so many levels.

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    1. It’s a cultural thing to a large extent. The bride is way past thirty and is finally getting married. The family insist on a huge party paid for by the groom to make sure everybody knows.

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    2. It sounds like it is not your “typical” destination wedding because many of the guests are local to the venue and will not have to travel. I agree that true destination weddings (ie at a location where neither bride nor groom have strong family ties) are pretty selfish unless they are extremely small.

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  9. “Late 1960s is a very long time ago.”

    Hey, lady, it was the day before yesterday. You don’t believe me, ask your mother. 🙂

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    1. The groom has been proposing to women for over a decade. And…. no takers until now. Women are not very eager to get married these days because it’s a lot of extra work with very modest rewards. My sister has been engaged for over a decade but she refuses to set the date even though he’s desperate for it at this point. And if you go to any dating website, you’ll see that men uniformly and insistently look for wives. While women look for fun and casual dating. When I dated, I was always taken aback by how early – the first or the second date – men would start bringing up marriage.

      I’m telling you, there has been a huge shift since the 1980s. There are studies on it, and all that.

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      1. Women are not very eager to get married these days because it’s a lot of extra work with very modest rewards.

        When was it ever not a lot of extra work with very modest rewards? And doesn’t getting married have tax implications for your sister because of her business?

        There’s a wall in my paternal grandfather’s house of all the daughters’ and daughter-in-laws’ wedding day pictures. The men are thrilled they are getting married; the women’s faces say, “What the hell did I just get myself into?”

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        1. When women couldn’t make their own money and have their own social status, then ok, it made sense. But nowadays the only real motive can be deep passionate love.

          My sister is in Quebec and over there you are considered married for tax purposes even if you are “roommates who once made out in a drunken stupor”, as an accountant once explained to me. So the marriage won’t change anything legally. But it would in every way that really matters.

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