Two assumptions behind this equal opportunity garbage annoy me.
One is that I’m choosing from a plethora of candidates who are eager to come work for us. The reality is that I’m calling around, begging people to accept a contract. Everybody says no. I’m at the point where somebody I know met a woman at the swimming pool who says she has a neighbor who might be interested. The equal opportunity paperwork directs me to “list all candidates, including the gender and race of each.” And I can’t get past the word “list” because it belongs in a completely different reality.
The second thing that I find absolutely insulting is the assumption that I would reject a qualified candidate and choose a less qualified yet lighter-skinned one. I’m not asked to sign pledges that I wouldn’t pee on the floor of my office, so why require the equivalent in these equal opportunity papers?
I know I say the same thing every year but the insult gets renewed at the start of every hiring cycle. Where is my presumption of innocence? Why am I treated like some horrible person when I’ve done nothing to deserve it?
Clarissa's Blog 
” the insult gets renewed at the start of every hiring cycle”
Isn’t that the whole point? To keep you off edge and nervous about breaking rules that you don’t even know exist?
It probably works a lot less with you but lots of those doing hiring at the university will feel guilty and in need of atonement and that’s the whole idea.
If even hiring decisions are inherently suspect it’s clear that moral judgements are not something you’re not fit to make… you leave that to your betters who will pat your head of if your obedient enough and whack you on the nose with a rolled up newspaper if you misbehave….
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“…off edge and nervous about breaking rules that you don’t even know exist?”
But this is what it’s like 24/7 if you’re autistic– like the entire world was born with a six-volume set of Social Rules and Regulations downloaded directly into their brains… and somehow ours didn’t install properly, and now we’re trying to fake our way through an elaborate multi-iteration game that we’re just guessing the rules to. It’d be great if we didn’t have to play, but short of becoming a cave hermit, there’s no escaping it.
Maybe they’re doing it to make the normies feel more sympathetic. They need to label the “autism understanding exercises” more clearly, though– it sounds as though people are confused about which “visibility month” we are celebrating 😉
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“the entire world was born with a six-volume set of Social Rules and Regulations downloaded directly into their brains… and somehow ours didn’t install properly”
I used to sometimes feel like that but mostly I decided in my case it was a result of my upbrining which was long on messages about being true to yourself and very short on messages about ‘this is how normal people behave’. My brother and I had a talk about that one time… the messages about ‘march to the beat of your own drummer’ were great but we also could used practical advice about grooming and social behavior…. I’ve gotten better and am mostly comfortable around normies but it’s always a bit of an…. effort.
“They need to label the “autism understanding exercises” more clearly”
I remember a This American Life episode where they had people doing an “understanding schizophrenics” exercise… with hidden earphones talking to them while they try to go about their daily business…. until that story I had never realized that schizophrenics actually ‘hear’ physical voices. Everyone hears a voice that’s not there say a word or two occasionally (see the Bicameral Mind) but it’s all the effin’ time for some schizophrenics…. knowing that increased my sympathy for those with schizophrenia.. a lot.
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I really feel this comment. It took me forever to figure out the regular details of a normal life. And I still don’t feel entirely certain.
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I’ve never been able to sort out the nature/nurture on that one. My mom, raised in the south, was really big on the Sir, Ma’am, please, thank-you, and you’re welcome stuff. We were well drilled on basic politeness, and that has been very helpful in real life. Most people appreciate it.
Part of it may simply be a threshold issue. You’re a guy, so the threshold for social aptitude is lower for you. As a woman, I’m saddled with higher expectations in that arena, so if you and I tried to navigate the same touchy social situation, and used the same strategies, I might fail while you succeed, because the rules are simpler/more lax for men. Women make allowances for men because “men are clueless”, but they don’t make the same allowances for clueless women, because clueless women are freaks of nature.
But there are so many areas that are just… dreadfully arcane, and I honestly don’t know if they’re troublesome because 1)I don’t have any instinctive grasp of them,2) because I wasn’t taught it (but normal people are taught it), or 3) it’s some weird neither-of-those option.
So, like, I have problems discerning who is in charge, when I need to ask permission, and whose permission I need (i.e. who’s in charge). What even is this problem? Like, when in the workforce, I know who my supervisor is. No problem. But in less-formal settings, I’m lost. And since I’m married, these settings are inevitably female, so of course, you can’t just ask a straight question “hey, who is in charge and do I need permission for X?” and get a straight answer. We’re a group and we cooperate. And apparently everybody knows this is bullshit because everything needs to be approved, directly or indirectly, by that one lady. Without her OK, nothing goes forward. Ergo, she’s in charge, right? No. That’s a secret. Nobody can tell you that. You have to figure it out by trial and error, and heaven help you if you offend that person before you figure out she’s the boss.
What’s going on there?
1) I’m missing body language and other nonverbal cues because something mirror neurons whatever. Neurology. Science. Stuff.
2) I wasn’t taught this. Do normal, good, with-it parents explicitly teach their kids how to figure out who is in charge in a social group?
3) Cognitive dissonance fries my brain. I can’t deal with situations where the stated rules (We’re a group and we cooperate and everybody’s equally important) are in conflict with the actual rules (There’s a strict hierarchy, everything must be approved by the queen bee, any perceived challenge to authority will get you the boot).
I think it’s all three. On level one, I have trouble with really basic neuro-level things like eye contact, and knowing when it’s my turn in a conversation, and having a reply handy when one is required. I process audio input more slowly than normal, and it shows. People give up on a reply and move on to the next subject while I’m still deciphering what they said and rummaging in my cortex to see if I have anything to compare it to for an appropriate response.
On level 2: yes, I do understand that at least some things, like assertiveness, conversational skills, hospitality, that sort of thing, are taught, and my parents dropped the ball on those. Some of this is class-dependent, and that gets confusing for me– my mother had a middle-class upbringing and aspirations, but our income never matched those. You can’t learn hospitality when you can’t have guests.
On the third level: Cognitive dissonance. Can’t do it: total inability to process and respond well/appropriately to conflicting messages. People say a lot of things they don’t mean. If you ever want see that grotesque mental short-circuit in action, give me an insincere compliment. Several seconds of silent processing while scowling, then belatedly remembering that some sort of equally insincere polite response is expected, then blurting out the first automated response that bubbles to the surface– sometimes “thanks!” but maybe as often something that doesn’t really fit, like “you too!” Total trainwreck.
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“Women make allowances for men”
Very true and very often I’ve found it easier to deal with women because of that (while noticing they have very different standards for other women) a couple of times I had jobs where my supervisor was a woman hated by other women for being exacting and demanding and we got along just fine and I had no idea what the fuss was about….
“that sort of thing, are taught, and my parents dropped the ball on those”
I’d say it’s more a case of socialization, I (and probably you) had lots of social interactions but they weren’t with normies who have different rules than talking about whatever comes up in the conversation and chasing conversational rabbits down bizarre holes…
” I’m missing body language and other nonverbal cues”
If you have the time and means…. a few courses in sign language could really help, I remember being puzzled at the idea of body language and after a few courses it just…. crystallized. I’ve heard anecdotes about others with neurological issues getting them under control after learning sign language so there’s probably something there…
“who is in charge and do I need permission for X”
Have you tried using “I’ve been thinking about X… what do you think about that” if you address the queen bee she’ll tell you “that’s not a good idea” or “go ahead” if it’s someone else she’ll probably say something like “oh wow, that’s interesting…. I wonder what Janet would say…” and so then you talk to Janet.
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I’m starting Arestovych’s class on body language next Thursday precisely because of my severe limitations in this area. I’ll share what I learn here.
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I look forward to it!
TBH I have begun to suspect over the years that I do read body language… but like audio input, I process it too slowly to respond appropriately. I have found that I can do it well, with video, because I can run it back and look at it again– watch the eyes, go back, watch the mouth, go back, watch the shoulders, go back watch the arms and legs… and now I know what the body language is saying! Like magic!
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I have played detective like that, to figure out who’s in charge. I even succeed at it sometimes, when the situation is straightforward. At my previous parish, I knew who the queen bee was, and also the three ladies who did the actual work on all projects. No use talking to QB directly, she’s deaf as a post, but talking to her agents worked. I still screwed it up now and then, but they were a forgiving lot, serenely secure in their positions, no damage done, and we parted on good terms.
Often, though, it’s not that simple. At my current parish, I know who’s in charge, but she seems very insecure about it, and just… she is so deeply divided internally that every time I talk to her, it’s like talking to two or three different people who are arguing with each other, but all using the same mouth. I ask a simple yes/no question, and it’s like I’ve approached a squid the wrong way: I get a cloud of ink instead of an answer. She doesn’t answer the question I asked– she answers the question she thinks I asked, she seems to think I’m challenging her authority whenever we interact, and reacts defensively, and… I’m bewildered. All I want is access to an information resource for which she is the gatekeeper, and if she just said “no”, I could live with that. But she never does. I feel like the problem might be something like… she’s the gatekeeper, she’s supposed to be able to make these resources available, but she’s doing a crap job of it because it’s a volunteer position, she works a fulltime job and has a family, and she really doesn’t have time to deal with it, and feels guilty about it, so when I ask, it brings up this giant wad of stress and guilt and stuff, which she then verbally vomits forth like laser targeting chaff instead of a simple yes or no… and because I’m the person who triggered that reaction, she now dislikes me personally. That situation is way, way above my social skill level. I have no clue how to work around that, my attempts to find the information independently (hey, I’m good at research!) have been met with censure, and it’s paralyzing. I’m afraid to get involved in anything at our parish now, because I might make the situation so bad we’ll have to find another church.
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…the alternate explanation is that this person is titularly in charge, but there’s someone else who does the actual work, and I haven’t figured out who that is, yet, and this mistake has meant banging my head against a wall repeatedly by asking the wrong person. But I’ve already put in my best efforts asking multiple people “if I wanted to access X, who would I need to ask about it?” and they all direct me to this person. I dunno. Some of the people, when asked, exhibited a weird tension when answering and maybe I should have taken that as a warning and dropped it then.
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Twitter Saga continues:
I am on the side of the fired workers.
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Threads has already started censoring people for the most sensible, reasonable statements. That should be our focus in this whole thing. The insane levels of censorship that make our lives worse.
Let’s not be distracted by petty squabbles that have zero impact on us.
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Finding any qualified candidates at all is always the biggest problem for employers in SA. Not that this matters to the people who promote these policies. They are more interested in scoring political points.
https://www.dailymaverick.co.za/opinionista/2023-05-24-the-anc-is-gaslighting-black-south-africans-with-the-employment-equity-amendment-act/
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Today I’ll have to write an explanation of why I chose to hire a white person over a non-white, and I’m not looking forward to it.
I hired a person with a PhD and extensive teaching experience over a person with an MA and very limited teaching experience. This should be enough to explain my decision but… yeah.
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What enrages me is the assumption that I’m so devoid of all rational thought and consumed with bigotry that I’d create a massive headache for myself by hiring an unqualified person out of racist feelings. This is insulting. Why is it ok to insult me like this?
I can’t get over it.
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Affirmative action assumes that some people are less qualified due to historic oppression and are to be given preference to compensate.
I don’t think the assumption is that you would hire an unqualified person. It’s more that you are expected to give preference to the historically oppressed.
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“Why is it ok to insult me”
The idea is for you to insult yourself by constantly monitoring your thoughts and behavior for thoughtcrime…
How is this different from old fashioned soviet style self-criticism?
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It’s even more disturbing when I realize that this was all stolen from the Soviets, that’s for sure. The sheer unoriginality of this whole thing is the saddest part.
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These ideas have been around in SA since the 1930s. I’m highly doubtful that they were stolen from the Soviets.
https://www.sahistory.org.za/archive/hendrik-verwoerd-10-quotes-hendrik-verwoerd-politics-web-20-september-2016
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