Here’s a text message exchange I had yesterday.
“I have realized I’m in a controlling relationship. [My husband] and I are fighting again. I feel like he’s slowly destroying my spirit. Can I come over with the kids today to talk?”
“[…], I’m so sorry you and […] are fighting. My heart breaks for you and [the kids]. Tomorrow is the 10th anniversary of our son’s death, so we aren’t much for company right now. It’s hitting me really hard to think Eric would be turning 10 this year.”
“OK, maybe we can arrange a playdate later this week.”
I’m posting this here because I’ve had such exchanges with a wide variety of people for the entirety of my life. This particular woman and I have been close for years. I’ve been as supportive of her as it’s possible to be. I’ve been listening to complaints about the husband for years. All these years I’ve tried to tell her about Eric. Every time this is the reaction I get. And no, she hasn’t lost a baby, making this a painful subject. She has three very healthy children whom I love deeply.
I wouldn’t be saying anything if it were just this one woman and this one subject. But it’s every subject and almost every person. I know it’s hard to feel sorry for me. I don’t even manage it myself a whole lot. But I’m not expecting feats of compassion here. I’m not even expecting people to put it on their calendar to – no, not to express sympathy, forget that – but to avoid asking me for support on this one day of the year. I’m so desperate I’d be content with complete avoidance. But if I’ve had to issue a reminder, it shouldn’t be that hard to do a simple pro forma “I’m so sorry! Thinking about you”.
Since it keeps happening – for decades, with very different people – I have to assume it’s me.
When the war started and things were very tenuous, I really broke down in church. Weeping for the entire duration of the service. One of the parishioners is a very close friend. I’ve supported her through several difficult moments. She asked me why I was crying and I managed to choke out “The war!” She shrugged, said, “Ah, that”, and moved away. She texted me an hour ago, obviously having forgotten the date. I’m bracing myself to respond because there will be another “Ah, that” and I don’t feel up to it right now.
A friend said many years ago that it’s hard to support me because I don’t show vulnerability. But it’s a vicious circle because that’s why I don’t show it. It’s easier to pretend everything is fine than to get another annoyed “ah, that”.
The funny thing is that these people I’m talking about always say I’m the most supportive, compassionate person in their lives. Except for September 5 and May 5 (my father’s death), I always show up, listen, drive to doctor’s appointments, pick up at the airport in the middle of the night. It’s not that I’m cold and unfeeling and people pay in kind.
Another funny thing is that I do get compassion from people I’m not close with. That day at church, many people came up, hugged me, I saw tears in some people’s eyes. But the only person who is an actual close friend couldn’t squeeze out a single “I’m sorry” either then or at any time since. And she’s very compassionate towards others. I’ve seen her being mega supportive of other people.
I have to conclude that I’m doing this to people. I somehow manage to bring out the unfeeling brat persona in them. And yes, I’ve tried to talk to people about this. There was a very very dear friend who was doing this and I tried, in the kindest, gentlest way it’s given to me to express, to tell her that I was going through a terrible time and I needed her. The response was, “Are you saying that I’m a total piece of shit? Well, if I’m such a shit, then why do you want to be around me at all?” After a round of bickering (“No, I’m not saying you are shit. You are a wonderful person and I love you. What I’m saying is that I really need your support right now.” “Well, it sounds to me like you are suggesting I’m a piece of shit”), I gave up and the friendship petered out.
I apologize for the rant but I need to let it all out because it’s preying on my mind. And I don’t have much mind available for preying at this time.
If people have advice, this is one time I actually welcome it.
Clarissa's Blog 
“If people have advice, this is one time I actually welcome it”
Quick answer: You train people to not take your needs into consideration so on the rare occasions when you want that they’re confused and don’t know how to respond.
Long term, you need to ask for advice more frequently even when you don’t need it so they get used to thinking of you as someone who sometimes needs help.
In the future, you also might consider sending notices a few days before sensitive anniversaries reminding people that you will need time for yourself then (call it ‘self-care’ and they won’t be able to say anything negative at least).
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I am very sorry for your loss. I am also sorry for the unfeeling friends. I have no good advice. It does sound to me as if you have a specific role in the relationship with these people (a comforter, sympathetic person with a shoulder to cry on), so they never expect to be on the other side of that equation for you, it simply “does not compute” for them. My only suggestion is that you do not have to reply to any text message you don’t want to, especially not today. It can wait until tomorrow or the day after. But then, I am a person with very few close friends, so take that advice for what it is worth.
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I am very sorry for your loss. I can’t believe it’s been ten years. I’d already been commenting on your blog for a few years when you were pregnant with Eric. I remember how excited you were. I also remember that horrifying announcement that you’d lost him. It felt unreal. I cannot even fathom how devastating those early days were for you and N. 😢
In my experience, people like you, who are competent and generally have their shit together, end up relegated to the role of perennial supporter, someone others expect to always be there, like a surrogate parent. Those expecting support then act like they’ve received a personal injury when the strong and reliable person has any short of crisis or shows any sign of vulnerability (which they will, because they are human). It is perceived as a unilateral, unapproved change of dynamics, and people act out of entitlement. They feel the surrogate parent is turning the table on them for expecting very normal reciprocal support. (Ask me how I know all this.)
It’s somewhat similar to how some people shun their friends who were fat but then lost weight, or those who were poor but who then finished school, got a nice job, and became well off. People see deviations from established dynamics (even though the friend was bettering themselves, and a true friend should support it) as personal betrayal.
I’ve found it’s hard to form egalitarian, mutually supportive relationships with people I’ve met as adults. I am either relegated to the surrogate-parent role, or people want to compete and God forbid they don’t come out on top, so it’s dangerous to be real and vulnerable with such people.
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That’s exactly how it feels. Like I’m a parent who suddenly is revealed to be human and vulnerable and people really get upset about that. It totally makes sense.
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I am so sorry you have this big pain of losing a child.
For once I have to disagree with your conclusions. It’s not something you do to people. Could it be that your choice of some friends is a bit wonky? But whose isn’t?
Yes to what xycademiqz said. I follow both of your blogs and it’s a breath of fresh air to read what strong, opinionated and academic women have to say about life.
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I wish I knew! No need to reply to this, and certainly not today, but… for later, or for any other commenters who feel like playing explain-it-like-I’m-five:
I have my own set of awful anniversaries, shared by my family, and honestly, I not only don’t know how to be supportive (like when my mom calls me up on my deceased sibling’s birthday because she’s feeling sad, and I’m someone she doesn’t have to explain it to, you know?– I have no idea what to say.), but also not even sure what people being supportive looks like, when I need it. I was not raised in a household where it was OK to have emotional needs or vulnerabilities, and that’s a huge blank. The day rolls around and… I light some candles in the narthex, and I don’t talk about it. What would I even say? Usually on those days, my remaining siblings and I call each other and talk about– anything but the black anniversary that is so obviously the reason for the call. And then when other people are likewise having a regularly scheduled bad day… I’m at a loss. “I’m sorry, that’s awful” … but what’s supposed to come after? I don’t tell people because then I cry and I don’t like to cry in front of other people. I don’t want to make other people cry, either!
In a good world, where you can have emotional needs, and people are supportive… what does that even look like? I don’t know, but… I want to be a better friend on the one side, and on the other side, I have no idea how to even appropriately express emotional needs to anybody other than my husband– he has no clue either but at least with him I can just say what I need– “It’s the day again. I feel like crap. Please hug me and then help me deal with the kids because I’m overwhelmed.”
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Sorry for your loss.
Sending good thoughts to your family.
Don’t know what, how to say more, but you’re one of the most unique people I’ve ever seen.
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I’m so sorry.
You deserve better friends!
I don’t have advice but a question:
Do you have a “type” of women that you usually want to be friends with?
If yes maybe these women tend to be a bit narcissistic / self-centered. . They won’t be empathic if they can get away with it and apparently they feel you will still be there for them if they behave like that. It might even be threatening to them to be empathic to you because that disturbs the dynamic of the friendship, which is mostly about their needs.
If yes maybe you need to consciously befriend women who you are not immediately attracted to, who do not seem familiar or very interesting, in order to break the pattern.
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Your friend sucks, and so do all the other people who have similarly nonreacted). For sure, I’ve had my own moments of not knowing how to react and doing … nothing …. but I cannot imagine receiving your text and not responding directly and sympathetically. Even just something simple like “I’m so sorry. That must be very hard.”
I will admit that I did not remember the significance of the date, nor had I realized that it had been 10 years , but as soon as I read what you wrote I felt a deep pang of sorrow for you. I cannot imagine how hard it must be to think of all the “what should have been”s. Thinking of you and N xxx
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Dear friend, I always think of you, N, Eric, and Klara in early September. The way people react around you puzzles me, because even if it is true that you do not necessarily always show vulnerability at first sight, I have always seen you as a very sensitive person, and people around you should see it too.
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Thank you! And it’s true, I’m very sensitive. Thank you for knowing that about me.
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One thing I’m clear on: I didn’t return here to beg for sympathy, empathy, anything like that.
But there’s a reason I’ve been gone, I’m still a bit gone (in a sense), and yes, it’s awful.
So did I tell you about the time that my girlfriend vanished without a trace and was never seen again?
Of course I didn’t.
But she did, and that was someone I’d been hoping to marry, then one day she disappeared in a disaster that was all over the news.
Knowing she’s gone, what’s the first dumbass thing I do?
I ring up her mobile only to get a message from the mobile network that the number is unreachable.
As if that was going to help.
And then I did it again and again until the connection went straight to voicemail.
So her phone’s not on the mobile network.
So this is real and I never get to talk to her again.
For me that was a third of a lifetime ago, but it took so long to want another girlfriend, and so I’ve been taking things easy.
Because there’s that nagging bit that says, “Oh, yeah, what if this is a pattern, and you get to go through it again?”
Except it isn’t a pattern, and that’s just the negative shit within our minds coming out to be monsters to us.
You will pick at your own scabs because they’re there, and sometimes you want to validate your own pain again.
But you have every right to resent people who pick at your scabs for you or are hesitant to acknowledge that they’re there.
So at the hospital while I’m still red as a beet …
“Haha, I’m still here, you can’t get rid of me that easily.”
“I don’t think you’d ever get rid of me either.”
“OK … how’s that?”
“Her number’s still in your phone.”
“Yeah. I didn’t want to talk about that.”
“I called it for you.”
“And?”
“The number’s been reassigned to someone else.”
“Well, it’s only been … what, a third of a lifetime for me?”
“When you latch on to people you don’t let go of them.”
“Yeah.”
“So when are we getting married?”
“Just as soon as I’m not deemed non compos mentis enough to get Baker Acted by some of these doctors who might take advantage, so let’s focus on getting me out of this shitshow.”
And so just know that there are people who latch on and won’t let go.
You’re that way with your son because that’s the only way for you to be, and it does not help when there are people who pick at your scabs and refuse to let you heal the way you’re going to heal.
Her number’s still in my phone, and my girlfriend likes it that way.
She knows I’ll never delete hers either.
This shit I’m dealing with now, this kind of pain?
When you accept the Buddhist view that life is full of it, then it’s easier for you to accept it for what it is and to work around it, if not through it.
So … why the fuck is there a CD in a corner of my office full of classic country music when I don’t listen to that genre?
Passwords. They’re on a label pasted to the CD liner.
You can’t use them until you unlock the outer encrypted volume, but there they are.
This loss of memory will pass, but it’s pain all the same.
If you’re wise, you understand that the people who are presenting some super-orderly front are just afraid they’ll fall apart, and so they over-compensate by making it look like nothing affects them.
They fake being unconditionally competent so that you can fall into repetitive adult-child loops with them where they get to play Made-Up Therapist Hero and you get to play something else not so nice.
Don’t fall for it.
At least it’s Marty Robbins instead of Marty Balin.
Want to watch me cry, play “Hearts” by Marty Balin at me, then watch me resent how someone’s picking at my scabs.
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I’m very glad you are back. It’s quite disturbing to have people who have been on here a while just disappear. One harbors all sorts of worries.
Memory loss is terrible. I really hope you recover fully soon.
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I am so sorry for your loss! I cannot even imagine how you would feel even 10 years after. My prayers are with your family!
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I’m sorry for your losses and that your friends don’t support you when it comes to big tragedies.
Do they support you when it comes to more minor misfortunes? Do they ever help or show concern?
What are these friendships based on? Shared hobbies/activities? Similar views on culture, politics, etc?
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