The Wrong Fatherhood

Vynnychenko’s own relationship with fatherhood was complicated and tragic. He always believed that fatherhood is sacred and that you need to prepare to be a father your whole life. He thought it’s crucial to meet THE woman, the only love of your life forever and ever, and prepare for parenthood together, as a the most sacred role you will ever have.

He was also a mega talented, darkly attractive, and very charismatic dude. And a literary star. And a high-achieving, self-made man with an original system of thought and a capacity to speak beautifully on any subject. Women threw themselves at him like nobody’s business.

When one of these casual women came up pregnant, Vynnychenko was devastated. She was crazy in love and wanted to tie him to herself, which he somehow hadn’t anticipated. This was 1911 but I’m honestly not finding much difference in how people conducted their sex lives from now. We’ve kind of allowed ourselves to believe that we’ve been massively sexually liberated from some horrid repression because this makes us feel more accepting of other things that are happening. But that’s pretty much in our heads.

In any case, Vynnychenko finally has his long-awaited child. Words can’t describe how much he’d wanted to be a father and how seriously he took it. But he didn’t want to share his fatherhood with an unloved woman! She didn’t even understand his parenting philosophy! Or the need for a parenting philosophy, period. He tried to get her to give the child to him and go away but we can all imagine how that suggestion went over. There was a huge drama, constant bickering, endless “how could you do this to me?”

The child died at the age of 3 months. I don’t know the cause but there’s reason to suspect some neglect from both parents who were neck-deep in the drama of who loved whom and who didn’t.

Vynnychenko was devastated but at the same time he knew he was free to resume the search for the once-in-a-lifetime woman of his dreams and the perfect mother for his future “real” children.

And he found her. Rosalia Lifshitz, the woman he’d been waiting for. They lived in deep love and complete loyalty for the rest of their lives. Finally, it was time to have children. Vynnychenko and his wife talked about every aspect of their future parenthood, discussed scenarios, possibilities, how best to educate, when and how to teach every skill and bit of knowledge. They were both crazy eager to have kids.

But all of the planning and strategizing was for nought. Rosalia’s only pregnancy was ectopic. They never had children. Vynnychenko’s life dream was denied to him. He hadn’t appreciated the child that had been given to him because the circumstances were imperfect and whatnot. This is the kind of mistakes that life rarely forgives. Vynnychenko’s punishment was terrible. Childlessness for somebody who lived to be a father is a personal catastrophe. There’s a lesson in this for all of us. We don’t know how and when we’ll receive what we need. But it’s certain we won’t be able to control it. Let’s not confuse our need to control for what really matters in life.