I got married at 19 the first time. We went to buy the wedding dress, and after observing the interaction for a while, the store owner took me aside.
“Child,” she said, “please think twice about marrying into this family. You are so young but I, at my age, understand people well. Your future mother-in-law is toxic. Do reconsider this marriage.”
“This isn’t my mother-in-law,” I explained. “She’s my mother.”
“God help you, child,” said the store owner.
She’s lucky she never saw my mother-in-law. The woman was an almost comical evildoer. Not to me because my life journey includes no contact with MILs to speak of, but to her husbands, married lovers, and sons.
Clarissa's Blog 
The idea that some MIL’s treat their DIL’s like their own daughters…. is not necessarily very comforting…. who comes up with these stupid-ass takes?
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Yes, if they treat their own daughters like excrement, it’s not a very heartening prospect.
I saw this piece of silliness on FB and it reminded me of this old story. FB truly brings out everybody’s most platitudinous self.
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People are usually very consistent. If a person is kind to her daughter, chances are she is kind to the daughter in law. I think that a mother in law who is selectively terrible to just the daughter in law and like an angel to everyone else is somewhat unusual.
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People are unpredictable. N’s mother actively refused a relationship with him but is attached like a clam to her daughter, not letting the poor woman breathe. She’s selectively distant, and we can’t figure out why.
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Sounds to me like she is mistreating both of her children, just the way she goes about it is different.
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“the way she goes about it is different”
Yes! We have a winner!
Nothing Clarissa has written about her MIL suggests that a close relationship with her is anything but a burden.
Some abusive POS’s have a preferred MO and stick with it like glue. Others are more freestyle, catering their abuse to the victim. I have the idea that the latter are worse. If you can overcome the MO of the first type then you’re half free, if you overcome one weapon of a freestyler… then they’ll pick another strategy.
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Indeed, I’m the first woman in my family for generations who was never engaged in mortal combat with a MIL. It’s a family curse for my mother, aunts, grandmothers, etc that they existed in a state of endless hostilities with their MILs. I’m somehow immune to this whole problem, and I’m glad because I grew up observing this dysfunction and it’s very ugly.
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But it’s true in some cases. I’m personally close to one.
Of course this is not a good thing with those MILs who are shitty mothers/people to begin with.
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The shopkeeper though– a good soul!
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Both MILs?
It must be a small miracle your mother has changed and is not awful to her grandchildren.
Or maybe the physical distance is a blessing that obviates a lot of the struggle.
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She hasn’t changed but a grandmother doesn’t have anything like a mother’s impact. My kid ignores her completely when she’s around and asks whether God hates me for some reason to have given me a mother like that. 🙂 I told her she’s lucky she hasn’t met her other grandma who’s a total crocodile. She now lords it over other kids by informing them that her grandma is a crocodile.
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