A graduate student from the English Department came by today to tell me that she recently came over from her country, she hates it here, but it would really help if I could give her a scholarship or a stipend.
I asked if she was looking for a job, thinking maybe it was a language barrier that made her request sound so bizarre.
No, she said. Not a job. She had no time for a job. But she was feeling so bad and hating it here so much. If she had a stipend that would help.
Of course, I said no. This is not even our student. And I don’t have a budget I could throw around on a whim. Why she thought to hit me up for money, I don’t know. Maybe she goes door-to-door. And yes, I checked. She really is a newly admitted graduate student.
I’m not too surprised because I’ve had this exact experience with graduate students from her culture doing the “I’m so sad and hate it here, now give me stuff” thing.
Clarissa's Blog 
“exact experience with graduate students from her culture”
I don’t expect you to come right out and say… but maybe an oblique hint?
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Look at you salivating to know one more culture to feel superior to. Aren’t you supposed to have a full happy life outside of this blog?
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“you salivating to know one more culture to feel superior to”
Gadzooks! Hoisted on my own petard…. my paradigm is shattered! Rarely does one encounter such piercing analysis!
I must now retreat to my hovel of misery where I can nurse my wounded sense of superiority and re-order my superiority file folders…
This round goes to you, passive aggressive anonymous internet rando! But I’ll be back and then we’ll see!
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It’s no secret. These are always Muslim women. They do the helpless little princess thing like it’s their job.
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Oh, I wish I knew this before I hired my Arab women postdoc. I was so enthralled by the opportunity to work with a woman (whose numbers remain a trickle in my field of STEM) for the first time in my career, that I took a chance of hiring someone from an almost unknown European university against my better judgement. in principle, non-existent ranking of her alma mater is not indicative of any intellectual limitation per se — but god she cannot do focus or think deeply to save her life, both essential skills for research involving advanced mathematics! She is a permanent damsel in distress, who adores Hamas, and finds US university/research system too “aggressive” for her taste. It remains a mystery to me how she completed her PhD.
Deep sighs!
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That’s my experience, yes. These are women who are raised to be babied and sheltered and then for some reason pushed out into the competitive professional world of Western countries. They are raised for a different life, and we are torturing them by trying to get them to be like us.
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I can corroborate. The two middle eastern women PhDs in my STEM department were literally like this. Didn’t want to work, always wanted others to write code for them. One of them lodged a complaint against a professor with the Dean, citing Islamophobia, when she didn’t receive a good grade in an exam. Always damsels in distress. ALWAYS. This was the only way they knew how to interact with the world.
The other entered into a relationship with another grad student, got him to write all her code and give her ideas for papers, and got her name added as a co-author to papers that were all his ideas and execution. Broke up with him after her work was done.
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One of my Fulbrighters from Egypt decided she was too sad to keep teaching (but not too sad for a shopping spree in Chicago) and abandoned the university. When I asked her what I was supposed to do with the students in the midst of October, she said “Oh, just cancel.”
This year I asked for a male teacher of Arabic
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“women who are raised to be babied and sheltered”
I’m wondering if this is a generational thing, I’ve worked with several muslim women over the years and none of them acted entitled or sheltered (Poland is not a place to try that). And while they claimed to be believers none displayed any inclination to proselytize and they dressed within the normal range of variation for Poland (no head coverings).
Part of the revival of political Islam may well be a systematic disempowerment of women.
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I think it maybe women from Middle East specifically, not necessarily Muslim. Back in India, I knew Muslim women who were incredibly hard working and motivated.
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“maybe women from Middle East”
The women I’m thinking of are from Arab countries or countries that border Arab countries…. so I’m thinking generational.
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These are all upper-class women whose families think it’s necessary that women have careers but haven’t remotely figured out how to raise women in preparation for careers. They don’t understand that Western career women don’t happen just because you send your daughter to an American university. You have to raise them a certain way. It’s a lifelong proposition.
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I have dealt with a couple of Muslim women students from Middle East specifically, and I did not observe this problem. They were quite excellent, actually. They were not from upper class families though and they did come from the same university that is known for providing high quality training. We had both male and female students from there, all of them great.
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Ding-ding-ding! There it comes out. First it was “culture”, and now they’re “Muslims”. But of course, because anyone with a religion you don’t approve must also have all the vices you claim to be abhor.
Congratulations?
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And yet, you come here every day to tell us how much YOU hate it here, for one reason or the other, while gettiing paid. The only difference is that you tell it to strangers on the web, but she trusted you with her vulnerability because she assumed you were a good person. A little empathy can help here.
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And yet, you come here every day to read her blog. Talk about Sad and Needy!
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Weak.
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If you need social contact, there are less confrontational and more positively rewarding ways to get it. Why are you so angry? This is very much you seeking out safe anonymous outlets for pre-existing anger. Anger’s a secondary emotion, though: it’s where your body deflects to protect itself when grief, loneliness, betrayal, fear, or failure are too painful. Anger feels better than those things. But if you keep deflecting, and don’t deal with the underlying problem, the long-term mental and physical effects are brutal. It is not good for your health in any way.
But if you do the hard work of dealing with that, you will grow and become a stronger person.
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Nah, I’m not angry. I find the daily self-congratulations on this blog risible but also entertaining, of how humans can remain totally oblivious of how much they represent the vices they pretend to abhor.
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Seeking out unnecessary confrontation is a sign that something’s deeply unbalanced in your soul. You can deny and deflect that (I certainly can’t force you to be honest to yourself or others about it), but it takes a hard toll on your mental, emotional, and physical health. As someone who’s been there, I want you to know there’s a way out: find the thing at the root, look at it squarely, and consciously feel the pain. Don’t deflect, don’t avoid, don’t try to protect yourself. Walk through it deliberately. It hurts like hell, but it’s a cleansing fire, and an opportunity for growth. You’re being offered the chance to become the sort of person who can metabolize pain into compassion and strength, and if you take it, it’ll make you a more effective person in every area of your life. It’s worth it.
On the other hand, avoiding, self-protecting, and deflecting will warp you in every possible way. God doesn’t interfere with free will. It’s an option. But it will twist and shrivel your soul. Pain is transformative: which way do you want to be transformed?
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LMAO.
I can’t imagine how much joy your life must radiate to make you spend this much time and effort pontificating to a total stranger. Very obvious you’re totally not delusional.
Damn!
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Methyl, This great advice in general.
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Yes, that’s a beautiful comment, even if our less fortunate commenter has been unable to process it or appreciate the spirit of kindness that inspired it.
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One can only try.
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