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Shot and Chaser

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Clarissa

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OK, it’s long, but the lowdown is that a young mother is upset that her boyfriend spends no time with their baby and isn’t participating in raising her.

Then she posts this exchange that happened when the Dad did stay with the baby:

I rest my case, ladies and gentlemen. The tone, the number of messages, the downgrading, the scolding. This is something she posted, thinking it’s a good look for her. Imagine everything she didn’t post. All day, every day, this.

People will say this is because they aren’t married but it would have been identical if they were.

I hope Internet preserves these images because when the baby becomes an adult and starts wondering why she grew up fatherless, the images will provide an answer.

13 responses to “Shot and Chaser”

  1. Stringer Bell Avatar
    Stringer Bell

    I learned about this idea of maternal gatekeeping from one of your blogposts like 10 years ago. It was eye-opening.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      In my experience, 99% of complaints about how “he’s not helping with the kids” are a result of this kind of thing.

      So are pretty much all complaints about men not participating enough in the family life. These situations are carefully and eagerly engineered by women themselves.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. methylethyl Avatar
        methylethyl

        She feels like he’s not paying *her* enough attention, so she’s engineering him out of the kid’s life and making it look like his doing?

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
        1. Clarissa Avatar
          Clarissa

          Exactly, she wants to feel important and indispensable. She’s proving to him that he’s nothing without her.

          Problem is, dude might get tired of being nothing.

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply
          1. methylethyl Avatar
            methylethyl

            Poor kid.

            Like

            Reply
      2. cliff arroyo Avatar
        cliff arroyo

        “complaints about how “he’s not helping with the kids””

        There’s also the old saw about a wife being afraid the father will ‘make mistakes’ as if the mother had made no mistakes. I think part of it is not wanting to admit their own missteps (which are unavoidable).

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
        1. Clarissa Avatar
          Clarissa

          The suggestions she peppers him with are utterly trivial and unnecessary. They distract him unnecessarily from the baby, so they are counterproductive.

          It’s not about the child at all. It’s a power play.

          Like

          Reply
          1. Amanda Avatar
            Amanda

            I do have to say as someone who had to pump breast milk for a while, you REALLY don’t want it to be wasted by warming up too much. If that was the end of the micromanaging maybe that would be ok. But it clearly happens with other things as well.

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  2. ShadowsCollide Avatar
    ShadowsCollide

    This woman sounds unhinged and the boyfriend sounds like a piece of work, his girlfriend is having a baby and he smokes weed. But if she nags him that much, I can understand why he’d rather be stoned. I’ve seen this dynamic with my cousins vis a vis their babies fathers, they love complaining about how the guy does nothing with the kid but they nag and micromanage so much that the guy doesn’t want to be bothered with the kid. Maybe it was easier when guys weren’t expected to take care of babies, they could just let their wives handle everything until the kids could walk

    Liked by 1 person

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      I hate weed but even I felt like getting stoned after reading these exchanges. She’s henpecking him to death and he has no idea this isn’t normal and just meekly accepts it.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      1. ShadowsCollide Avatar
        ShadowsCollide

        It’s the idea that men are incompetent about dealing with children, the whole bumbling dad thing. Shows like The Simpsons portray this as funny when Homer Simpson messes up taking care of the kids when he’s not watching TV and drinking beer, but The Simpsons are a cartoon. In real life, dads can take care of kids but the mothers shouldn’t nag and micromanage so much, most dads can take care of their kids

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  3. Yavanna Avatar
    Yavanna

    While I agree that she’s nagging and micromanaging, I’d have qualms about someone taking care of a baby while he’s stoned, especially if he’s smoking around the baby – second-hand smoke (although that doesn’t seem to be the issue here).

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      I agree it’s a terrible idea to have a child with an addict. But that decision has already been made. This man is the child’s father and has an identical right to be around the child and make parenting decisions as the mother.

      Mothers need to remember that fathers aren’t a supporting cast to the mothers’ parenting. They have an identical degree of responsibility in the child’s life.

      Liked by 1 person

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A conservative literary critic and college professor

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