Sign up for a free recipe e-book →

Clarissa's Blog

Q&A: Relationship Advice

Published by

Clarissa

on

Are you his best friend, too? Have the rest of his friends also become acquaintances? The reason why I ask is that the romantic relationship between the two of you has collapsed because you wanted him more than he did you, so the relationship was unequal. (Of course, the he/she may be completely swapped in your situation).

Another question is, are you still in love with this person? Meaning, are you really friends or an unwanted ex-lover clinging to a situation and a person being clung to?

If the relationship is still unequal, I think the right thing to do is to find a reason why the situation of being rejected is something that you seek. Once you figure out why “continuously rejected by the only person who matters” is your go-to scenario, the scenario will go away and you’ll move on to something better without even noticing.

I’m not suggesting any drastic measures like dropping this person immediately because if this is a situation that you need, you’ll re-engineer it in some other form. Instead, I suggest thinking about other situations in your life when you felt like you did when this person refused to move in. And other situations where you felt like you do at the realization that you’ll remain all alone if you cut this person out.

It’s always best to find the reason instead of forcing yourself into something. The way you know you found your answer is when the situation falls away painlessly and casually.

3 responses to “Q&A: Relationship Advice”

  1. Avatar
    Anonymous

    Thank you for the thoughtful and insightful response, Clarissa! You don’t know how much it means to me. Some thoughts on the soul-searching questions you have posed:

    1. I am close friends with my ex-partner’s best friend as well. Some of his friends are quite good acquaintances of mine.

    2. I tried to go for an amicable breakup with this person, saying that I wish him the best and hope he does well in future relationships. He said he wishes to remain friends and “does not want to lose me as a friend,” and did till me he still loves me. I didn’t tell him that I love him still. However I am still in love with this person. I thought I would forget about him. I am not sure who is clinging to who. I am leaving space for him to forget about to me, but he still calls to check with me everyday and wants to meet in person once a week, and is open to group activities with his friends, e.g. hiking or book discussions.

    3. I am not sure I remember. I think my mum was always telling me she was unhappy with me and wished she aborted me, or should have given me to social services. She did try to strangle or suffocate me a couple of times. My father was cold and distant, and seemed to tacitly approve of her approach. I never felt good enough for my parents. I grew up in Ukraine.

    4. I think am scared of being alone, and just being left with superficial acquaintances who don’t really want to know me. He has become a good friend and confidant. At the same time, I have a persistent worry that I am only being kept around because this person is not sure if the grass is greener elsewhere, and wants to keep me around as a seeming “close friend” till he is ready for a new partner, as long as it will take him.

    Like

    Reply
    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      Look, you both sound like very good if traumatized people. Good for you that you ended the relationship when you realized that he doesn’t like you in that way. That was strong and it gives me confidence that you’ll be fine.

      The next step is fully to accept that he can’t feel about you the same way as you do. The friendship is fine if it’s giving you comfort but you need to keep repeating to yourself that he can’t return your romantic feelings.

      What I recommend is to concentrate on figuring out what it is that you want. What kind of a relationship? Imagine your ideal relationship in great detail. It’s Saturday evening. Where are the two of you? What did you have for dinner? Who cooked? Who did the dishes? What are you talking about? What is he wearing? What does his voice sound like?

      The “he” should not be your ex. The ex is not your perfect guy. The perfect guy will make you forget the ex’s name and the fact of his existence. So concentrate on figuring out what he’s like. It’s got to be very detailed, though, in order to work.

      I did this practice after a decade of failed relationships and materialized N. I got everything right except for one thing. In my imagination, I kept translating my favorite movies and TV shows for him because I couldn’t imagine he’d speak the same language.

      You were right to let this guy go. Your real, true guy is out there and needs you to start walking towards him. Today should be the day when you begin.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  2. methylethyl Avatar
    methylethyl

    When you make peace with being alone, that’s when the solid people show up in your life. I don’t know why. That’s just how it happens.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

Leave a comment

A conservative literary critic and college professor

Recent posts