I took a day off today. It’s very annoying to many people that I’d be off at this time in the semester. And I get it, there’s a million things to do, and it looks indulgent for me to be taking long weekends for no reason. I can’t explain the reason without falling apart, so I had to say “no, I can’t on Friday” without any explanation about 30 times in the past days.
Nobody fully knows what’s happening in another person’s life. Sometimes a person can make an impression of being a self-involved prick but there might be all sorts of shit going on with them. Or not. They might just be a prick. This is the ambivalence of a human life.
Clarissa's Blog 
That sucks. I’m sorry.
That’s the first week of July for me. I am really good at making myself forget the date, but something remembers, July rolls around, and suddenly I have this gigantic sense of impending doom following me around. Did I pay the rent? Did I miss a deadline? Is that an ominous noise outside? Is the car overdue for a timing belt? Did I lock the doors? Half a dozen times, I go back in the house to check that the stove is off.
And then the anniversary rolls around and it’s like… duh. I should block out the whole week on my calendar, a year in advance before the aggressive forget sets in, but I don’t want to reinforce it. Whatever happens, it’s gonna be a crap week. 18 years now, keep thinking surely it’s been long enough we don’t have to do this anymore. Nope.
The part of us that’s eternal, always trying to reach across the break.
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Wow, that’s a really cool way to put it. The eternal reaching across the break.
It’s your sister, right? And yes, you don’t know when exactly it will hit you. I was expecting today but it started last Sunday. Suddenly, I wanted nothing but to sit staring at the wall. And I had the weirdest feeling of, “why now? It’s several days before the date.” As if it really worked that way.
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yeah, my sister. We were close.
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Sending good vibes your way, Clarissa.
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“The part of us that’s eternal, always trying to reach across the break.”
Always reaching, well said.
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Grief can be eternal, my prayers are with you all.
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