A colleague has been writing me endless messages with questions about how to organize her teaching, coming into my office with the regularity of a metronome, and sharing detailed updates regarding her health. She seeks me out in every nook and cranny where I attempt to hide from human contact. I was resting in the lounge with the door closed but the colleague found another door, one that hadn’t been used in 20 years, and crashed through it like somebody on a quest for the Holy Grail.
Reading social cues is not my forte, so it took me until now to figure out that the colleague isn’t trying to annoy me on purpose. She’s trying to befriend me. And the funny part is that I was actually planning to befriend her myself. I even put it on my calendar: “July 6, 2026. Befriend Elza.” I can’t before then because a) I’m very busy and b) I’m department Chair and not interested in additional social obligations until I quit that role.
The only problem is that I don’t know how to transmit the message that I’m interested in being friends but not before July 6.
Clarissa's Blog 
I do not believe there is a polite way to transmit that message.
If I were in your shoes I would try to take control of the situation and say something like. I am very sorry, I’m quite busy right now with the paperwork (or whatever else sounds important enough), but I would be happy to meet you for coffee/lunch in a few days to hear all about it. Perhaps if you can channel the meetings into fewer ones it will help. Of course, you can just tell her you are too busy, but you may kill a chance of rebuilding that friendship in the future.
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Being Chair is the perfect excuse! “I’m sorry, while I’m Chair I have to have the same kind of relationship with everyone in the department, so people don’t feel that some colleagues have closer access to me than others do. Once I step down, I’d be glad to [fill in the blank with something you meant to do when it’s time to Befriend Elza].”
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Especially since she’s an instructor and I have to conduct course evaluations for her. It feels weird to be hanging out as friends in this context.
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““I’m sorry, while I’m Chair”
A bit…. wordy. Maybe more along the lines of “When I’m no longer chair we have to get together on a regular basis” and let her do the math herself. If she asks why then: “We need to keep it profesh, I can’t show favoritism”.
(no, I’m not proud of ‘profesh’ but I’m told that’s how lots of women talk now).
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”I’m not proud of ‘profesh’ but I’m told that’s how lots of women talk now”
Yeah, maybe the severely idiotic ones.
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