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Why Don’t They Ask?

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Clarissa

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I keep thinking about why I’m failing so badly to be a mentor to female students when I’m so successful with the male cohort.

The difference is that male students ask me questions. They want to know things. Female students, in the meantime, use any interaction to advance a narrative of their frailty. I come up, I lead with some of my best material, but they interrupt and launch into an exulted listing of their limitations.

I have no idea what this is, what causes it, and how to make it stop. I’ve tried reassurance. “No, you are not a loser. You are not bad at languages. You are not a mess.” It has zero effect. I’ve tried changing the topic. I’ve tried telling funny stories. In my desperation, I’ve even tried sharing advance knowledge about what will be on the final. Nothing worked.

In the video lecture on Thursday I mentioned that I was born in the USSR. Immediately I got an email from a male student asking where exactly in the USSR, and how is that area of the country different from others, and is it true that we had a lot of civil liberties in the Soviet constitution. Why aren’t female students interested? I’ve been teaching college since 2002. It’s a crapton of years. All I’m asking for is one, just one, female student who’d ask an unprompted question out of curiosity.

12 responses to “Why Don’t They Ask?”

  1. Avatar
    Anonymous

    I’m astounded. I feel your pain.

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  2. cliff arroyo Avatar
    cliff arroyo

    “male students ask me questions. They want to know things”

    Where I work about 80 percent of students are female (humanities and/or social science studies are mostly female, stem stuff is mostly male).

    Most students are not real forthcoming with questions (not the basis of education here) but I do get a few each year with lots of questions (about half/half male-female which would point to more males proportionately.

    I have no idea what’s going on with the US now (I remember lots of inquiring female students who did not want to be seen as frail) but if I had to guess, then it’s part of the infantilization process and/or they’re…. trying to get you to court them, symbolically. The list of frailties is there way of saying ‘discover me!’ They’re princesses waiting for Professor Charming to discover their innate value and lay riches at their feet…

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  3. el Avatar
    el

    Do you colleagues experience the same difference?

    Also, may your female students come from a certain American background in which they’re socialized to behave thus? What about foreign, African-American or older female students with children? Or are those kinds of female students too rare to notice differences?

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      The only female student who’d show up and ask questions was a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. She was actually really great when she remembered to take her medication.

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  4. Avatar
    Anonymous

    If it’s so completely without exception, maybe it’s you and not them.

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      What do you mean without exception if I explained that male students are not experiencing this problem.

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  5. Stringer Bell Avatar
    Stringer Bell

    Female students, in the meantime, use any interaction to advance a narrative of their frailty. 

    I’ve got stuff like this (not all female students, obviously).

    There are many things I am not good at.

    Now in my third semester, my work has become too heavy.

    Last Friday, I took three graduation exams, but I could not do them well.

    So I feel like I am not doing well these days.

    I feel sorry because I only cause trouble for others.

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    1. cliff arroyo Avatar
      cliff arroyo

      “’I’ve got stuff like this”

      Aren’t you in Hanguk? You have to control for culture…

      Koreans (AFAIK from a little experience or guess and/or abstract out from experience with East Asians in general) in general exercise pre-emptive self-criticism, putting yourself forward is a ticket to being socially ostracized, so lots of ‘poor me’ ‘I’m so weak’ covering up very hungry attitudes.

      They also practice apologies as offense, to corner their opponents. There’s a kind of jiu jitsu where a complaint is countered by an apology that leaves you helpless.

      This is something very foreign in the west…

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      1. Stringer Bell Avatar
        Stringer Bell

        In this case it’s a preemptive strike. “You cannot make me feel bad about my performance. I already feel bad and through this act of self-flagellation I’m making sure you see it.”

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  6. Avatar
    Anonymous

    Specifically when it comes to you being an immigrant, there are some middle class social taboos on that, which I have run up against *painfully*. I know a lot of immigrants. Most of them totally OK with talking about where they’re from, culture of origin, and we can have a great discussion. But meet one who’s been in college in the US recently, and suddenly “where are you from” is a deeply offensive and racist question that gets you a cold stare, and a flat statement of (wherever in the US they currently live).

    So, not at all surprising that only guys would be willing to ask you about your origin story.

    It extends beyond just “country of origin” questions, but I’m not sure how far. For that same class, talking about *yourself* is safe. You can’t accidentally offend by talking about your own problems. Heaven help you if you grew up working class and you say anything about your own background in *that* shark tank, though 😉 AFAICT, it’s fine to hate the bland middle class suburban family and cul-de-sac neighborhood you grew up in, but admitting to any other background will shut down the whole conversation.

    Safe convo topics with strangers… there’s always the weather, and your rheumatism.

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    1. Clarissa Avatar
      Clarissa

      They don’t ask any other questions, is the problem. There’s no engagement with the Other on any subject. Just endless self-presentation of the most particular sort. I tried to strike up conversations about bullet-journaling with the founder of the bullet-journaling club who asked me to help promote her activity. I’m into bullet-journaling. I tried to talk about it. But there was no dialogue.

      Alternatively, I asked a male student who is a football fan about his interest. We had a great conversation about it even though I don’t like the sport.

      I’m telling you, there’s something happening here. Maybe that’s part of the reason why they fail to pair up.

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      1. Avatar
        Anonymous

        That is weird.

        No insight though.

        I accidentally shut down yet another conversation with other women this week by just… talking about my week. I replaced the belt on my dryer. I was pleased, felt accomplished, yay. Nope. Appliance repair: yet another Unmentionable topic I was not informed about.

        Which makes it doubly weird that you also can’t talk about bullet journaling, with someone who wants you to promote her bullet journaling group.

        -ethyl

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A conservative literary critic and college professor

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