So there was this man I met online who was a wonderful person and an amazing father to his two children (he was divorced). Unfortunately, he couldn’t get out of his fathering mode and tried parenting an adult woman he was seeing. After we had a couple of very casual dates, started taking care of me, or trying to.
When I mentioned that my computer broke down, he arrived at my doorstep with a new computer (which I obviously couldn’t accept).
He asked if I needed help paying my bills.
He tried buying me groceries.
He told me to wear a scarf because it was cold outside.
The culmination of his behavior came when I mentioned that I was having problems with a professor, and he asked if I wanted him to talk to the professor in question.
I know that there are people of both genders who would be enraptured by this pattern of behavior but I am obviously not one of them. So I stopped seeing him after 4 dates.
“Remember, if you ever need anything, you can always call me and I’ll help,” he said as we were saying good-bye to each other.
Clarissa's Blog 
“When I mentioned that my computer broke down, he arrived at my doorstep with a new computer (which I obviously couldn’t accept).”
– Mentioning problems ‘casually’ is often intended as a cloaked request for help. I’ve had more than my fair share of rebukes for not acting on a person’s veiled request.
“He asked if I needed help paying my bills.”
– Why would he assume you required assistance with your bills? Were there ‘signals’ you were sending that you needed help, unintentional as they may have been.
I don’t know what to say about the groceries – that’s just plain weird. Unless he thought he was moving in with you and wanted some food for himself at your place.
“He told me to wear a scarf because it was cold outside.”
– Isn’t this just general considerate behaviour. If you’re not dressed appropriately for the weather outside, the assumption is that you don’t know how cold it is.
“The culmination of his behavior came when I mentioned that I was having problems with a professor, and he asked if I wanted him to talk to the professor in question.”
– Yeah, this is condescending. No doubt. Practice with you on what you want to say to the professor. Sure. Help you figure out what is your problem with the professor. Sure. Speaking for you – never. I don’t even do that with my children now.
“Remember, if you ever need anything, you can always call me and I’ll help”.
– This may seem a touch weird, but at the same time, it’s just as likely that he wants you to know he doesn’t hold any malice against you for breaking it off. While you may not be a suitable match for a long-term relationship, there was something there that drew you to this individual, and a continuing friendship wouldn’t be unreasonable.
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The only reason I mentioned the computer was to explain why I wasn’t answering his emails. People who drop hints and then accuse you of not deciphering them are passive aggressive. I’m not.
Maybe I didn’t make it clear enough, but this wasn’t my boyfriend or anythhing. We had just met. Nothing had happened between us of a romantic nature yet.
I blogged before about how accepting any help from even the closest people was very difficult for me at that time. So I obviously wasn’t sending any “damsel in distress” signals. That’s just what he wanted to do.
Telling adults to wear a scarf is, I believe, a highly neurotic behavior. What next? Asking if they washed their hands before eating?
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“What next? Asking if they washed their hands before eating?”
Only after making sure they also went front to back.
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Lol an ex-girlfriend of mine was spoiled by such a man. He would pay for her gas, pay for her groceries, and he bought her laptop. She accepted every time, even though she was making as much as he was (they had the exact same job at the exact same company).
She was SHOCKED when he confessed he had a girlfriend back in South America.
She still expected me to treat her the way her ex did, even though I was a college student and she had a professional career. When I explained that her ex only bought her stuff because he felt guilty about cheating, she got defensive and demanded that I “treat her like a lady”. We broke up shortly after I refused to take her out for lobster.
My new girlfriend is on a PHD track and will likely make a killing when she gets graduates. She says she doesn’t mind making more money than me, because she wants a lover and not a meal ticket. Feminism rocks.
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*She was SHOCKED when he confessed he had a girlfriend back in South America*
I don’t think there has to be a connection between those 2 things. Some men show their love by buying presents and don’t cheat. Others cheat and treat their girlfriends as garbage. Third cheat and do neither of the above mentioned things (presents vs garbage).
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Oh no, there is a connection. This is a man who sees women as objects for purchase. Expecting respect from such an individual is useless. I’m not blaming him, though. If people allow themselves to be bought, they can hardly raise any objections to not being treated with respect.
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Where does the limit pass? If he gave her presents (a laptop, a ring) without paying for gas & food, would it show this too? Are only very cheap presents OK?
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Presents make sense when both people give them to each other. Everybody has a birthday, for example. New Year’s and St. valentines, relationship anniversaries – all of these gift-giving occasions imply that both people exchange gifts, right? Normally, whenever anybody gives you a gift with no special occasion, you reciprocate.
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‘ she got defensive and demanded that I “treat her like a lady”. We broke up shortly after I refused to take her out for lobster.”
-It’s really shocking that such people don’t understand that what they do is simply prostitution. Just not of the very successful kind.
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Oh, Clarissa. This was my ex, to the T. Now that we’re broken-up but friends — the first time I’ve done this with an ex — he still occasionally offers to run my errands, loan me money for luxuries I’m too prudent to indulge in, and yes, talk to people at work or school that I anticipate trouble with. A track record of zero success on this front doesn’t deter him.
And he has no problems with me dating other people and moving on, so this is not a ploy to get me back. As someone who knows him very well, I know his motivations are merely a deep need to nurture and take care of someone.
It just makes me feel guilty when I want to snap at him for trying to be my unsolicitated trouble-shooter 😐
How did you let this fellow down, btw?
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I just told him that “it wasn’t working for me.” It was a very casual acquaintanceship, so he wasn’t heart-broken or anything.
‘A track record of zero success on this front doesn’t deter him.”
-Yes, I couldn’t imagine you as a person who would enjoy this kind of thing a whole lot. 🙂
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