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Dirty Jokes: Sharing Time!

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Clarissa

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October 22, 2011

Do you like dirty jokes? I love them. So I decided that we should have a semi-open thread where people will share their favorite off-color jokes. I have a very primitive, goofy sense of humor, so the sillier the joke is, the better.

I’m making this post temporarily sticky, so scroll down for new posts.

To begin, here is a joke from my mother. “The moment I heard this joke, I immediately thought of you, sweetie!” she said. I have no idea why she did, of course. 🙂 So here is the joke:

A man and a woman are having sex for the first time. After sex, she immediately gets up and lights a cigarette.

“I realized during sex that I’m not your first man,” the guy says.

“And I realized you are not my last,” the woman responds.

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69 responses to “Dirty Jokes: Sharing Time!”

Paul Tiderman

October 22, 2011

Reminds me of a joke: A white guy flies to Jamaica with his girlfriend for a week’s vacation. He’s still at the airport and has to use the restroom. Then a black guy comes in who proceeded to use the urinal next to him. The white guy looks over and sees “Wendy” tattooed on the black guy’s penis. He says, “Hey, my girlfriend’s name is Wendy. I was thinkin’ of having her name tattooed on my penis as well.” Then the black guy smiled and stretched his out…It read, “Welcome to Jamaica, Mon. Have a nice day!”

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 22, 2011
  
  A brilliant joke! Thank you for participating!!
  
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V

October 22, 2011

Young French woman wakes up after a night of hot sex.
–Francois, could you please pass me the cigarettes?
Francois picks up a pack of cigarettes, passes it to Jean, Jean passes it to Pierre, Pierre passes it to the woman. She lights up a cigarette, inhales, exhales, and says in a dreamy voice:
—If my mother knew that I smoke, she would kill me…

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 22, 2011
  
  Brilliant! I never heard it before and I love it. 🙂
  
  Are other readers shy or what? 🙂
  
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FellBeast

October 22, 2011

Three nuns die and go to heaven. St. Peter greets them and says, “In order to get into heaven you have to pass a quick test.” He turns to the first nun and says, “Who were the first two humans?”

“Adam and Eve,” says the first nun.

“Correct!” says St. Peter. To the second nun he says, “Where did Adam and Eve live?”

“The Garden of Eden,” says the second nun.

“Correct!” says St. Peter. To the third nun he says, “Since you were the Mother Superior, you have to answer a more difficult question: what did Eve say when she first saw Adam?”

“Oooh, that’s a hard one,” says the third nun.

“Correct!” says St. Peter.

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 22, 2011
  
  That’s a really cool joke! 🙂
  
  What a great thread. I’m discovering new jokes here. Yippee!!
  
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V

October 22, 2011

A man is brought to the emergency room. He was experimenting with the flashlight and could not get it out of his ass…
The man wakes up after the operation and asks:
—did you manage to get it out?
–no, but we managed to change the batteries…

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 22, 2011
  
  Hilarious! Whoever said that sciences profs had no sense of humor, was wrong!
  
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V

October 22, 2011

And have I told the red flower joke already? I remember telling it in writing, and to English speakers… So your blog would be a likely place… But I do not remember…

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 22, 2011
  
  I don’t remember it, so feel free to tell it. 🙂
  
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Helena Suess

October 22, 2011

An abbey receives a new prelate. First order of business he calls all the nuns to the sanctuary. “You are brides of Christ,” he tells them, “and a bride must be pure.” He lines them up has them come forward to the baptismal font one at a time. First nun comes forward. Father says, “Sister, have you ever been with a man?” Sister hems and haws and finally confesses: “Once I was with a man, Father, and I saw his penis, but that is all.” Father says, “Take water from the font, Sister, and sprinkle it on your eyelids, then say a Hail Mary and you shall be purified.” She does as told. “Go and sin no more,” says Father, and off the nun goes. Next nun comes up, Father repeats the question. The sister confesses, “I once touched a penis, Father, just once, with my hand.” He has her put hand in the font and say the Hail Mary, and sends her off. Next nun comes up, same question. But before she can confess the nun behind her comes charging up and knocks her aside. She yells at the prelate, “If you think I’m drinking that water after she’s washed her ass in it you’re crazy!”

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 22, 2011
  
  Ha ha ha ha! I’m now wondering whether I should share this with my mother. 🙂
  
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el

October 22, 2011

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.
He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, “Put those on.”
The bride replies, “I can’t wear your trousers.”
He replies, “And don’t forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!”
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, “Try those on!”
He replies,”I can’t get into your knickers!”
“And you never bloody will if you don’t change your attitude.”
——————————————————————————–
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. “We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?” A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”
——————————————————————————–
Mr. White, the biology professor, at a posh suburban girl’s school, asked during class, “Miss Smith, would you name the organ in the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times it’s normal size, and define the conditions.” Miss Smith gasped, then said snottily, “Mr. White, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you that my parents will hear of this.” With that, she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. White called on Miss Jones, and asked the same question. Miss Jones, with complete composure replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.” “Correct,” said Mr. White. “Now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you: one, you have not studied your lessons. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”
——————————————————————————–

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 22, 2011
  
  LOL LOL!!! Brilliant!
  
  Russian speakers are dominating the dirty joke thread! 🙂 🙂
  
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el

October 22, 2011

Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as a lover. The first woman says “My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that.” The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.” The third woman just shakes her head and says, “My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.”
——————————————————————————–
A guy walks into a bar and orders 12 tequilas. The bartender asked, “what’s wrong,” and the guy says that he just found out that his younger son is gay. The bartender says, “he’s sorry about it.” After a couple of days the guy comes back and orders 15 tequilas. The bartender asked, “What’s wrong now,” to which the guy responds That he found out that his older son was gay, too. The bartender says that he’s sorry. The guy returned a few days later and ordered 20 tequilas. The bartender burst out, “Isn’t anyone in your family gettin’ any pussy?!” The guy gets really pissed and says, “Yeah, my wife!!!!!”

——————————————————————————–

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 22, 2011
  
  Oh, I also have one about Microsoft!
  
  On their wedding night, Bill Gates’s bride tells him, “Oh, so now I understand why you called your company Microsoft!” 🙂
  
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2. Helena Suess
  
  October 22, 2011
  
  There’s three men sitting around talking about how they please their girlfriends. First guy says, “When I rub her clit just right, her ass raises a foot off the bed.” Next guy says, “That’s nothin. When I stick in my tongue and roll it around, she’s up on her wrists and toes, two whole feet off the bed.” Third guy snorts, says, “You guys ain’t shit. When I’m done fuckin, I wipe my dick on the curtains and she hits the fuckin roof!”
  
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  1. bloggerclarissa
    
    October 22, 2011
    
    This is so brilliant. 🙂 🙂
    
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el

October 22, 2011

Young Bill was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Bill’s porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Bill spied his prize bull fucking one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.” “Well then, why don’t you? “Mabel whispered back. “It is YOUR cow.”

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scratchy888

October 22, 2011

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Alice Chapman stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, John, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor John must have experienced.

“John was unable to hold me or the children,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of John’s scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on John.

“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, John is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, “I’m John Chapman.” The entire congregation held its breath. “I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.”

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 22, 2011
  
  Oh, oh, I know a similar one.
  
  A man runs into the doctor’s office and shouts, “Doctor, please, hurry, you need to castrate me right now!”
  
  “Wait,” the doctor says. “Are you sure?”
  
  “Yes, yes, I’m sure. Just castrate me right now, I’m in a huge hurry!”
  
  So the doctor performs the procedure and asks, “Why did you need this operation so urgently?”
  
  “I’m getting married to a Jewish woman in two hours!” the man says.
  
  “Then maybe you needed me to circumcise you?” the doctor asks.
  
  “Yes, of course,” the man agrees. “What did I say?”
  
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scratchy888

October 22, 2011

Sister Mathematical and Sister Logical There are two nuns. One of them is known as Sister Mathematical (SM) and the other one is known as Sister Logical (SL). It is getting dark and they are walking home, but still far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for he past thirty-eight-and-a-half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It’s logical. He wants to rape us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at he most. What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do, of course, is to walk faster. SM: It’s not working. SL: Of course it’s not working. The man did the only logical thing He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I’ll go this way. He cannot follow us both. They split and the man decides to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrives. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn’t follow us both, so he followed me. SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted up my dress. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants. SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn’t it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down! (And those of you who thought it would be dirty, pray for forgiveness.)

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scratchy888

October 22, 2011

John asks his grandpa: ‘Do you still have sex with Granny?’

Grandpa says: ‘Yes, but only Oral’.

John says: ‘what is oral?’

Grandpa: ‘I say F**k you, and she says:F**k you too’

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 22, 2011
  
  I love this one. 🙂 But I’m not going to tell this N. because it will make him sad. 🙂
  
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scratchy888

October 22, 2011

The lady teacher asks the pupils what kind of medicines they know and what they are used for.

The first pupil said: ‘Tylenol.’

‘Very good! And what is it used for?’

‘It is used for headache.’

The second pupil said: ‘Nytol’

‘Excellent. And what it is used for?’

‘To help you sleep.’

Now it is Johnny’s turn and he said: ‘Viagra’

‘Johnny, what is it used for?’

‘I think it can be used for diarrhea.’

‘Who told you this?’

‘Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father, ‘Take a Viagra, maybe that little shit will get harder.’

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llama

October 22, 2011

Two nuns settling down for the night in a darkened room. One of the them says “where’s the candle” the other replies “doesn’t it.”

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 22, 2011
  
  I have to confess that I don’t get it. Maybe it’s too brainy for me?
  
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2. Priyanka
  
  October 23, 2011
  
  Funny, yes, but the version I heard is slightly less obscure, I think:
  
  Matron stands at the head of the stairs and calls “Candles out, girls!” Several wet plops immediately follow.
  
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V

October 22, 2011

Note: the joke is based on a fairy tale and the little red flower is a wish fulfillment device 🙂

The merchant is about to go on a long voyage to a faraway land. He asks his three daughters if they would like to get any gifts when he returns. The eldest daughter asks for some very special jewelry item. The middle daughter asks for a fancy dress according to the latest fashion of the land far far away. And the youngest asks:
—could you please bring me that infamous beast from the land far far away, for my sexual amusement (чудище заморское для сексуальных забав)?
—Daughter! How dare you! I am your father! I cannot!
—well (to herself – let’s do it in a long and convoluted way then) – please bring me just the little red flower…

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Danny

October 22, 2011

Little Johnny failed another math test and was told to stay after school for some tutoring with the teacher, Mrs. Harris. The teacher starts off with a simple problem.

“Johnny, if there are 7 birds up on a power line and a hunter shoots one of them, how many will be left?”

“Ummm. I’m not sure.”

“Don’t worry about being wrong just try.”

“None.”

“No Johnny 6 of them would be left. Why would you say none?”

“Because if you shoot one then the other 6 would be scared off.”

“The answer is 1 but I like the way you think.”

“Now I have a question for you.”, Johnny says.

“Okay. What is it?”

“Two women are sitting at a park bench. One is licking a lollipop and the other is sucking a popsicle. Which one is married?”

“Ummm. I’m not sure.”

“Don’t worry about being wrong just try.”

“The one sucking the popsicle?”

“No the one with the wedding ring but I like the way you think.”

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Danny

October 23, 2011

(Okay this one is pretty crude and rude. Tread carefully.)

A guy goes on a business trip to Japan. While there he has a one night stand with a woman he meets at a bar and the whole time they’re having sex she is yelling something in Japanese. Thinking that since she was screaming it during sex it must have been something good. The next day he’s playing golf with some potential clients and he makes a rather long distance putt. In an attempt to show off the little bit of Japanese he’s learned he repeated what the woman was screaming the night before.

One of the business men asks, “What do you mean ‘wrong hole’?”

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 23, 2011
  
  The cruder the better!
  
  This is a funny one. 🙂
  
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Helena Suess

October 23, 2011

llama :
Two nuns settling down for the night in a darkened room. One of the them says “where’s the candle” the other replies “doesn’t it.”

I’ve never quite understood that one.

A guy goes out to Vegas and turns out he’s a pretty good craps shooter. He clears $20,000 his first night and decides to really live it up. One thing he wants is a wild night with one of those famous Vegas escorts. The boxman hooks him up with this girl he knows, and she swings by and picks him up in a brand-new gleaming BMW convertible. The girl swings by the hotel and they meet up at the bar. Before he even gets all that drunk this guy’s thinking this is the hottest woman he’s ever seen. So after some cocktails they head on up to his room and get down to business. She asks what he wants, and he says he’ll start with a blowjob. It’s $5000, she tells him. “You want a grand? For a blowjob?” Guy can’t believe she could charge that much. So she takes him over to the window and has him look down at a convertible in the parking lot. It matches her: platinum, gleaming, and sexy as hell. “See that?” she says. “I bought that car sucking dick. I can afford it because I give the best blowjobs in all of Vegas.” Well the guy’s not sure about it but she brings him around yes, it turns out to be the best blowjob he’s ever had in his life. He decides that was enough for now so he pays her and she goes. Next night he doubles his take from the previous and he really wants to meet her again. So she comes by and they get drunk and go up to his room and he decides tonight, he wants some anal. “All right,” she says, “it’s $10,000.” Guy can’t believe it. So she takes him to the window and points out Summerlin. “That’s the most expensive neighborhood in town. I own a house there, and I can afford it because I have the best ass in the state.” So guy comes around and yeah, best ass of his life. Next night he does even better at the tables and they have another date. Guy just wants some pussy this time around. “$30,000” “You gotta be kidding!” She points out the window at one of the gigantic casino buildings on the strip. “Aw come on,” guy says, “You don’t own that casino” Girl says, “No, but I would if I had a pussy.”

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1. Helena Suess
  
  October 23, 2011
  
  Early on in the joke pretend the phrase “and she swings by and picks him up in a BMW” isn’t there. It’s leftover from when I was still trying to remember how it went.
  
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  1. Helena Suess
    
    October 23, 2011
    
    and “a grand” should be “five grand” obviously.
    
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Danny

October 23, 2011

Three nuns were redecorating a room at their convent and when it came time to to paint the walls they weren’t sure how to protect their habits from getting paint on them.

First nun: “How are we going to paint this room without getting paint on our habits?”

Second nun: “I wish we had some other clothes to change into but all we have are these.”

Third nun: “I have an idea!. Let’s just take all of our clothes off and paint naked. The only windows in here are to hallways and other rooms but none to the outside. And there are no men around so we’ll be fine.”

The other two nuns hesitated a bit but decided it should be fine because no one from the outside could see and there were only women around. So they take all their clothes off and start painting.

A few minutes pass and there’s a knock at the door. The first two nuns start reaching for their clothes but the third stops them and asks, “Who is it?”. The person on the other side says, “Blind man.” Third nun whispers.

“See its fine he’s blind so its not like he can see us naked. Let’s just continue painting.”

She tells the man to come in. The door opens and the man walks in.

“I have the blinds that you ordered.”

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Priyanka

October 23, 2011

I read this joke in a book when I was nine-ish, and didn’t get it at all till I re-read it somewhere else a couple of years later 😐

There was a spreading illness in a monastery, and two Trappist monks were sent out to catch some nourishing sea-fish for their brothers. After several hours, they lifted the net to find no fish, but a gorgeous mermaid. The monk that untangled her from the net started kissing and fondling her, to the other’s growing excitement. The fondler takes his sweet time, and just at the peak where fondling meets fornication, he tosses her back into the sea. The voyeur, astonished and frustrated by this sudden move, can keep his vow no longer, and shouts, “WHY???” Calmly, the other monk asks, “How?”

——————————————————————————————————-
A weeping girl accompanies her bossy mother to the doctor’s. “She’s been throwing up”, says, the mother, “can’t keep anything down. And she’s still putting on weight. How can this be, doctor?”
Th doctor does a few basic tests and says that the patter of little feet are due in a few months. “But that’s impossible!” says the mother. “I’ve kept very close watch, and I know she hasn’t even held a man’s hand yet, she’s that innocent”.

The doctor looks at the girl, who nods weakly along. So the doctor gets up, goes to his window, and stares at the sky. After a few moments, the mother, bemused, asks, “Is there something wrong outside, doctor?” and the doc says “Oh no, nothing wrong. Only the last time this happened, a star appeared in the eastern sky. I don’t want to miss it this time”.

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Billy Williams

October 23, 2011

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

“You’re a goblin,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”. So the goblin replies “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”. The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”, goblins replies “OK, you’ve got it.”. Woman again thinks it over, “My second wish is a Mercedes.” “OK, you’ve got that too.” “My last wish is a million dollars!”. The goblin then says “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.” “OK then, if that’s what it takes…”

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?” “I’m 27”, she replies

“Fuck me”, says the man, “27 and you still believe in goblins”

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Billy Williams

October 23, 2011

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says “But sir, its just a sperm bank!”, “I don’t care, open it now!!!” he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says “Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!”, she looks at him “BUT, they are sperm samples???” , “DO IT!”. So the nurse sucks it back. “That one there, drink that one as well.”, so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, “See honey – its not that hard.”

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Billy Williams

October 23, 2011

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill. The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell. The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, “What is it without touching it?” The blind man replies, “That’s a good piece of fir.” “Correct,” says the manager, “now try this one.” “That’s a bad piece of willow,” says the blind man. “Correct,” answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift
up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face. “I’m confused,” says the blind man, “Can you turn it around?” The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face. The blind man says, “Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!”

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Billy Williams

October 23, 2011

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”

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Billy Williams

October 23, 2011

How are those 4 ya?–I’ll give ya some time 2 read those & then post some more–I LOVE dirty jokes!

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Danny

October 23, 2011

A man rubs a magic lamp and a genie pops out.

“Thank you for freeing me! As a reward I’ll grant you three wishes. But they come with a catch, whatever you wish for yourself your ex-wife gets double. So what’s your first wish?”

“I wish I had one million dollars.”

“Granted! And as per the catch your ex-wife will get two million dollars. You don’t realize this will happen ever time right?”

“Yeah I know, don’t worry. I wish I had a 100 acre mansion!”

“Granted! And as per the catch your ex-wife will get a 200 acre mansion. Remember the catch, your ex-wife will get double.”

“Don’t I’ve got it under control.”

“So what’s your final wish?”

“I wish I were half dead.”

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1. Billy Williams
  
  October 23, 2011
  
  HA!-Not exactly sexual but still VERY funny!
  
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  1. Danny
    
    October 23, 2011
    
    True its not sexual but I figure wishing your spouse were dead was close enough to dirty.
    
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    1. bloggerclarissa
      
      October 23, 2011
      
      Whatever is dirty in your opinion is welcome on my thread. 🙂
      
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KK

October 24, 2011

Son: “Dad, I fell in love and want to marry this beautiful girl!”

Father: “Oh great!. Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Julia, the neighbor’s daughter.”

Father: “Oh no! I wish u hadn’t said that. I have to tell u something son,
but you must not to tell you mother. Julia is actually your sister.”

Naturally the boy is bummed out, but few weeks later…

Son: “Dad, I fell in love again with another girl and she is even hotter!”

Father: “That’s great my son. Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Angelina, the other neighbor’s daughter.”

Father: “Oh! that’s bad. I wish you hadn’t said that. Angelina is also your sister.”

Frustrated and mad, the son went straight to his mother crying.

Son: “Mum I am so sad! I fell in love with two girls but I can’t marry any of them
because dad is their father!”

The mother hugs him and says:
“My love, you can marry with whoever you want. You are not His Son”

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1. V
  
  October 24, 2011
  
  Sounds like a song I’ve heard back in my homeland…
  
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KK

October 24, 2011

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He walks into a bar
and Jill (the Australian barmaid) takes his order, Fosters,and notices his accent.

Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill’s
shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.
Jill is travelling the world and because she is short on funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after showing her plenty
of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree. This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in, orders Fosters and sits in the corner. Jill thinks that
may be she should pay him more attention and maybe she can shake some more cash
out of him again. So she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he’s from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne. “So am I… What
suburb in Melbourne?” “Glen Iris,” he replies.

“That’s amazing…” she says, “…so am I – what Street?” “Cameo Street,” he replies.
This is unbelievable…” she says,”…what number?”

He says, “Number 20” and she is totally astonished. “You are not going to believe this
but I’m from number 22 and my parents still live there!”

“I know…” he says, “…your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you!”

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KK

October 24, 2011

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly:
“I have something I must confess.”

“There’s no need to, ” his wife replied.

“No,” he insisted, “I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her
best friend, and your mother!”

“I know,” she replied, “now just rest and let the poison work.”

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KK

October 24, 2011

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to
try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified to look at the ugliest child he
had ever seen.

He told his wife: “There’s no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?”

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: “Not this time!”

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KK

October 24, 2011

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

“Hurry,” she said, “stand in the corner.” She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
“Don’t move until I tell you,” she said, ” pretend you’re a statue.”

“What’s this?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.

“Oh it’s a statue,” she replied, “the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.”

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

“Here,” he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths’ and nobody offered
me a damned thing.”

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 24, 2011
  
  This is hilarious. 🙂
  
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Patrick

October 24, 2011

With apologies to my Newfie friends – they are always the butt of Canadian humour.

A Newfie was having trouble satisfying his wife during sex, so they went to a therapist for help. The therapist told him, “You need to keep your wife cool during sex, so have someone wave a towel over her while your having intercourse.”

So, the Newfie hired a young man to wave a towel over his wife while having sex. Unfortunately, his wife still couldn’t orgasm. So the young man offered to try. So the Newfie and the young man traded places. After an hour of passionate lovemaking, the wife orgasms powerfully. The Newfie looks at the young man and says, “See, that’s how you wave a fucking towel”

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1. V
  
  October 24, 2011
  
  And this reminds me of a real life story, which has nothing to do with sex. 🙂
  When I was a kid, I was into blowing things up. So I made a can of (somewhat inferior) black gunpowder and had it standing on my desk. A friend cam to visit.
  -What’s this?
  -It is gunpowder.
  So he takes a match, lights it up, and before I can stop him throws it into the can. But since it is really inferior gunpowder, it does not ignite. So I take another match and show my friend how to ignite it properly… 🙂 🙂 Successfully… 🙂
  
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  1. bloggerclarissa
    
    October 24, 2011
    
    I have a similar real-life story my friend told me. She was 8 years old. Her mother was cooking and in the meanwhile my friend entertained herself by trying to crack an egg open against her forehead (unsuccessfully).
    
    “Oh, stop fidgeting,” the mother said. “Besides, you are doing it all wrong. Here, let me show you how it’s done.”
    
    And she slammed the egg against her own forehead. Successfully. 🙂
    
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Patrick

October 24, 2011

A man in an Alabama supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce .

The man persists and asks to see the manager.

The boy says he’ll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, ‘Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce.’ As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, ‘And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half.’

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, ‘I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?’

‘ Canada , sir,’ the boy replied.

‘Well, why did you leave Canada ?’ the manager asked.

The boy said, ‘Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.’

‘Really?’ said the manager. ‘My wife is from Canada .’

‘No shit?’ replied the boy. ‘Who’d she play for?

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 24, 2011
  
  I LOVE Canadian jokes. 🙂 🙂
  
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Billy Williams

October 24, 2011

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. “She’s incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards.” said one doctor. “Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!”

The second doctor said, “That’s nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!”

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall. “Oh my God!” said the first doctor, “I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith’s boil!”

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 24, 2011
  
  Hilarious!!!! Now I will be able to walk into my next lecture in a great mood. 🙂
  
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Billy Williams

October 24, 2011

Wife : “I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars.”

Husband : “How about the ones like mine?”

Wife : “Those they gave away.”

Husband : “I had a dream too…I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand.”

Wife : “And how much for the ones like mine?”

Husband : “That’s where they held the auction.”

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 24, 2011
  
  Hee hee hee. 🙂
  
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Billy Williams

October 24, 2011

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.” The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars.” The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your Grandma.”

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 24, 2011
  
  I have a similar one, too!
  
  A group of very old men is writing a complaint to the company that manufactures condoms.
  
  “You condoms always break at the worst possible moment,” one of the old men writes down.
  
  “And also add that they bend at the worst possible moment!” the rest of the group chimes in.
  
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  1. Billy Williams
    
    October 24, 2011
    
    HA!
    
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titfortat

October 24, 2011

A car breaks down at a farmers house and the 3 men inside, frenchman, englishman and Ukranian ask the farmer if they can stay the night. The farmer says on one condition, you leave my beautiful daughter alone. They all agree. Later that night the frenchman cant hold out anymore and goes to her bedroom, she invites him in and gives him the night of his life. She then says, sent another friend tomorrow night as your car wont be ready until the weekend. On the way back to his room he steps on a creaky board and the farmer yells, who is that. The frenchman proceeds to meow and the farmer goes back to sleep. On return he tells his friends what happened and the enlishman declares he will go on the next night. The frenchman then reminds him of the creaky board and tells him to pretend he is a cat if the farmer hears him. The next night after a rollicking good time with the daughter the englishman steps on the board and the farmer yells, who is that. Meow cries out the englishman and the farmer goes back to sleep. By the third night the Ukranian man is extremly excited and goes to the room. The daughter invites him in and does more than he could ever expect. On the way back to his room, delerious with spent lust he steps on the creaky board. The farmer yells out, who is that. The Ukranian yells back, “Its me, the Cat” 😉

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1. bloggerclarissa
  
  October 24, 2011
  
  It’s really great to see how Ukrainians are not excluded from either the joke or wild sexual fun! 🙂 🙂
  
  The joke is very realistic, too. 🙂 Although a Ukrainian would probably expect the woman to come to him. 🙂
  
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titfortat

October 24, 2011

A father bull and his son are on the top of a hill looking down on a group of cows. The son says to his dad, “lets run down there and fuck a cow, dad!” The dad says, “No son, lets walk down and fuck them all”.

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NarcoNeko

March 9, 2013

A guy walks into a bar and sees a monkey sitting in a cage behind counter. The guy asks the bartender “Whats with the monkey in the cage?” The bartender replies “Trust me, you dont want to know.” So, after a few drinks, the guys completely wasted, and says “Okay, I absolutely HAVE to know! Whats with the monkey in the cage?!” The bartender, fed up, turns to the guy and says, “You really wanna know?!” He takes out the monkey, hits it upside the head, and it starts giving the bartender a blowjob. The bartender looks over at the guy and says, “You wanna give it a try?” The guy’s face lights up and he says “Definitely! But dont hit me that hard, okay?” 😀

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A conservative literary critic and college professor

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