People are clamoring for more posts containing dating advice, so I’m happy to oblige. I hope it will be enough to say once at the beginning of this series that I believe that there is nothing whatsoever wrong about being single and people who are single by choice don’t need a relationship to make them happy and complete. This series is not aimed at convincing anybody to date. Its only goal is to share some insights into dating with those who already want (of their own free will and with no prodding on my part) to find a partner. I sincerely hope that this disclaimer will be sufficient.
There are lucky people who manage to find a suitable partner at the very beginning of their dating process. For many of us, though, it takes much longer. Often, people spend years on the dating market, actively searching for a partner but not managing to find one. As a friend of mine used to say whenever she would come back from yet another unsuccessful first date, “And here goes my 125,999 failed attempt at dating.”
Nobody likes to feel like a failure, especially not on a regular basis. After a certain number of unsuccessful dates, people become emotionally and psychologically drained and feel like giving up altogether. I felt the desire to abandon the search many times. Why go out on what will probably turn out to be yet another huge waste of time when I can just stay at home happily with my books and my computer?
If it seems like the dating period is likely to be protracted, we need a mechanism that will compensate for feelings of failure, disappointment and boredom that it’s likely to generate. So this is tip number one: develop a secondary goal that your dating will help you reach. Here are a few examples:
1. If you are a blogger, you can use each new date as material for new posts. So what if you haven’t been able to find a suitable partner this time, and the last time, and the time before that? You now have material for a kick-ass series of new posts about your dating experiences.
2. If you are trying to improve your health or lose weight, why not walk to and from each new date? A fresh dating failure will feel less disappointing when you consider that you are doing something good for your health in the meanwhile.
3. If you are a foodie or a coffee fanatic, you can use the dates to explore every single restaurant and coffee-shop in the area. A date might now end in a desire to set up a second meeting with the same person but it can generate a really great review of a new place you visited.
4. If you don’t have great social skills, dating can offer a great free training in improving them. I know somebody who used dating to prepare for job interviews. Dating a lot allowed him to get used to the intrusive questioning, the high-stress environment, the need to talk to complete strangers on a regular basis, etc. Dating also provides a wealth of funny stories that the socially awkward folks can share at parties and social events instead of standing silently in the corner, grasping for topics of conversation.
5. Another acquaintance, an aspiring stand-up comedian, used dates to perfect his comedy routines by trying them out on new people.
Transforming dating into an activity that is not solely about finding a partner helps relieve the stress and get rid of feelings of disappointment and frustration, at least to a degree.
Clarissa's Blog 
Great advice! I especially like the idea of going out to the best restaurants for that purpose, since I’m a foodie, and I can gauge how well I will get along with someone by how much of an enthusiastic foodie they are as well.
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When I used to date, which was rare, and it didn’t go well, which was usual, I could always console myself that at least I got incredibly drunk.
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And did the quality or your dates increase or decrease with your alcohol/blood level?
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Depends how you’d distribute those various acts of hedonistic degradation the memories of which still keep me up at night on what continuum of “quality”.
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Dates that turn out to be failures can also turn out to provide really good anecdotes when you get older.
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“Let that be a lesson to you kids: always bring kneepads to the gravel pit.”
“I sure will Gramma!”
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This is a nice and kind post, but it alienates me and disregards my perspective, weep, weep weep!
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yes I feel like you have been “erased” 🙂
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That always happens to me when people don’t read my mind and anticipate my expectations. I’m not quite sure what is wrong with them. My parents always gave me bonbons.
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Would you like me to validate your experience? 🙂 🙂 🙂
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Oh yeah, but I’m thinking heads ought to roll….like they did in previous centuries.
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This is basically the introductory thesis to “Discipline and Punish”, a book on which I’ve based my entire romantic life.
Non sequiter cross-reference from air travel thread: Clarissa that soup sounds good can you mail me some.
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Scratchy your feelings do matter, and it’s okay to feel that way. How many heads do you think would make you feel less alienated? 😛
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This is basically the introductory thesis to “Discipline and Punish”, a book on which I have based my entire romantic life.
Non-sequiter cross-reference to the air travel post: Clarissa that soup sounds delicious can you please mail me some?
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I am left wondering how long the romance section in your autobiography will be!
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This reminds me of how somebody I know recently visited Amsterdam and mailed back to herself (by regular mail) a certain souvenir. 🙂 It wasn’t soup, though. 🙂
Can people guess what it was my friend mailed to herself? 🙂
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Nobody is silly enough to mail hash or marijuana to themselves. It must be chocolate or liquorice.
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or tulip bulbs.
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surely not diamonds in the regular mail?
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A Dutchman. It was a Dutchman, right? She sent him over in a peanut butter jar.
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Let’s not start erasing Dutchmen now. 🙂
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So… are you going to tell us what she mailed to herself?
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*stupid double-posting anonymous bullshit grr.*
“I am left wondering how long the romance section in your autobiography will be!”
Assuming I go crazy and come to believe that my autobiography would be something other than a dull protracted embarrassment, it’ll depend how many pages I can squeeze out of “I don’t remember what happened after the sixth tequila but nobody wanted to talk to me in the morning.”
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🙂 🙂 Not that I’ve ever had such an experience. Khm, khm. . . 🙂
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Erm, actually. . . 🙂 And it worked perfectly, too!!! 🙂
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