Towards a Happy Personal Life: A Step-by-Step Guide Out of Loneliness

I believe that in order to repair one’s personal life, it is first necessary to find out where the problem lies. Some people are lonely because they never meet anybody they like. Others meet plenty of people who interest them but their feelings are always unrequited. There are those who don’t have these issues but can never get past the second date, those who get abandoned right after they first have sex with a new partner, those who have many short-term relationships but can never translate them into long-term ones, those who keep getting cheated on, those who keep cheating, and so on. All of these folks have completely different issues and should look for completely different solutions. Lumping them all together under the umbrella label of “lonely” is not productive.

So here is the algorithm of how to define where your specific problem lies:

1. Do you meet people who attract you on a regular basis? If yes, move on to question 2. If no, ask yourself the following questions:

Is it possible you are depressed? Do you have serious health issues? Is your sexual drive OK? Are you taking any medication that depresses sex drive? Have you experienced some serious trauma (physical or psychological) recently? Are you a victim of sexual violence? Was there any form of sexual abuse in your childhood? 

These are all very serious issues that need to be addressed, confronted and resolved before you can expect to proceed any further.

2. Do the people you find attractive normally find you attractive, too? If yes, move on to question 3 (that will appear in the next post in the series). If no, consider the following:

A tendency towards unrequited feelings means you have a severe reluctance or fear of being in a relationship. Only you know where that comes from. I had this issue for a while and, in my case, it was a terror that any form of a mutual interest would lead me into a very serious long-term relationship I wasn’t ready for. This is why I kept choosing “impossible men.” They posed no danger for me. If your situation is at all similar to mine, giving yourself a permission to have many short-term flings in rapid succession really helps.

Just remember: this isn’t bad luck or coincidence. This also doesn’t mean that you are unattractive and nobody ever wants you. All that this string of unrequited episodes means is that you are choosing people who will not want you on purpose. There are tons of folks who are attracted to you right now but you are not seeing them. You are fulfilling your need for rejection. And only you can know why you have this need. The moment you figure out why you do this, you will immediately discover all of those people who do find you very attractive.

And we all still remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be single, right? These posts are aimed only at those who don’t want to be single and are interested in exploring how they could improve their dating lives.

I will continue the algorithm in the following posts in the series.

49 thoughts on “Towards a Happy Personal Life: A Step-by-Step Guide Out of Loneliness”

  1. Number two reminds me of an odd example: There are actually straight/hetero people who hang around queer groups, and endlessly fawn over and develop crushes on gay men (if they’re women) and lesbians (if they’re men)
    Talk about unrequited!

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    1. I’ve seen that happen. A friend of mine invested years of her life trying to “change” a gay man and interest him in herself. 😦 Obviously, to no effect.

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  2. 1. and 2. are weird. I rarely have found anyone attractive when I first meet her. But the attraction grows as I get to know someone, sometimes to an intense level. I have no way of knowing whether a woman finds me attractive or not unless she explicitly says so, which has not happened often. When it has happened, the long term dynamic has not been good, with only one exception, my present wife.

    At my twentieth high school reunion, in 1981, a woman whom I had admired from afar in school admitted that she had been attracted to me when we were in school. But, there was no way I could have known it. I never saw her again after the reunion.

    I just do not believe in “non verbal cues” at all.

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  3. Such formulaic step-by-step approaches usually do not work. Each person is different, their dating habits and requirements are different, and the kind of people they get to meet are different. Everyone needs to figure out their own formula.

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    1. kinjal :Such formulaic step-by-step approaches usually do not work. Each person is different, their dating habits and requirements are different, and the kind of people they get to meet are different. Everyone needs to figure out their own formula.

      This. Clarissa should know better.

      I pretty much know why it’s not working for me and it’s not there, of course.

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    2. People who want to romanticize their neuroses as uniqueness should feel free so. I, however, would prefer that such meaningless platitudes be kept away from my blog. What is this, Cosmo?

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      1. I am not dating or meeting anyone because I might be 7 or 6 out of 10 when it comes to look (it’s stupid, by yeah, people rate people on how they look), I don’t have much money nor am I a huge actor or musician and the fact that I am depress just finally kills it. I have been feeling better lately untill things went bad with a friend wich I deeply love. I will move on but it hurts.

        I am not afraid of a relationship and you should consider stopping talking down on people like that. You are far from Einstein.

        By the way you do the same thing that others do, people that you keeping crapping on. You strart from you own experience and you generalize.

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      2. @Bakouchaïev

        The reasons you list for why you are not dating or meeting anybody smack of self-pity, projecting blame, and unrealistic expectations. “I am not attractive enough.” “I am not successful enough.” “I am not wealthy enough.” “I am depressed.” Whether you intend it or not, it sounds to me like you think all IRL people [i.e., not in insane rom-coms] have some kind of social Darwinist mental checklist of suitable partners. You told me in another thread you were into humanitarian work. That in itself would make you pretty attractive to me, as long as you didn’t have poor hygiene and didn’t act like a jerk.

        But a 1 to 10 scale of attractiveness as a criterion for romantic success, applied to yourself or anyone else? Weak. Lose that ASAP.

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      3. I mean, maybe you’re an exception, but most people I’ve encountered who feel as you do about why they’re not doing well romantically are people who themselves approach potential partners with dealbreaking judgments about success [rated in terms of wealth and status], beauty [rated according to an arbitrary cultural standard], and mental health [though it’s okay to run for the hills if the person is actually bugfuck nuts].

        Again, you might be the exception. I sure thought I was, way back when I was acting like a shallow tool.

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        1. I remember Bakouchaiev throwing exactly the same kind of tantrum when I suggested last August that people bore responsibility for their lack of professional success.

          I said many times before that my worldview revolves around the idea of personal responsibility. Why people find this realization so traumatic is a mystery to me.

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  4. bloggerclarissa :
    People who want to romanticize their neuroses as uniqueness should feel free so. I, however, would prefer that such meaningless platitudes be kept away from my blog. What is this, Cosmo?

    This is why I think collectivist societies are often healthier than those that glorify “the individual”. In all sincerity, I’ve had “the individual” up to here [Points to above the head or so]. The ideology of the individual has been taken to such extremes nowadays that it is become actually impossible to communicate anything of importance. People just assume you’re on the game of trying to make yourself sound special, making them free to dismiss anything that doesn’t automatically flatter their views of themselves. This ideology of the individual is thus killing the life of the mind. Everything is going down the plughole in honour of this cult of the individual.

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    1. I grew up in a collectivist society and, to be honest, I still break into a rash when I hear words “community”, “group” and “collective.” Maybe some sort of a healthy balance would be best.

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  5. I met my partner when we were both needy, lonely, drunk, saddled with baggage, and desperate for a quick hot screw. Turned out we made both our lives better.

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    1. Yes, alcohol releases inhibitions. This is why the best place for clinically shy people to meet is a bar or a party. Formal dates make them hugely self-conscious. So a quick drunken screw is a great remedy for many people’s issues.

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      1. “Doctor what’s wrong with me?”

        “You are clinically shy. Go on a bender in a big crowd and screw a bunch of strangers. Here’s a scrip for lube, Trojans, and MDMA.”

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  6. I just said what I said because I found nothing I could relate to in this post, except maybe for the “And we all still remember that there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be single” part. It might have something to do with my being from a very different culture.

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    1. No, no. Clarissa knows everything about your situation and the ones of everbody in here. I am glad Jennifer F A came in here with her great talk on the cult of the individual to put us all back in line.

      Jesus christ, you people are sads.

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  7. bloggerclarissa :
    I grew up in a collectivist society and, to be honest, I still break into a rash when I hear words “community”, “group” and “collective.” Maybe some sort of a healthy balance would be best.

    Yeah, I can understand that. Because whatever is compulsory not longer has any attraction. What I am attacking is the false individualism of contemporary culture, not actual individualism.

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  8. Bakouchaïev :

    By the way you do the same thing that others do, people that you keeping crapping on. You strart from you own experience and you generalize.

    You are not reading the post carefully, I’m afraid. The very first situation described is not something I have ever experienced.

    If I were you, I’d consider why this issue draws such an intense emotional response from you. People have asked me to write about this because they say they find it very helpful. I’m honoring their request. People who aren’t interested are free not to read. What is there to get upset about, exactly?

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  9. I think I’m starting to realize why people are getting so aggressive about this topic. It’s the suggestion that their personal misery is created only and entirely by them because they need it and want it, right?

    Yes, it’s so much sweeter to feel a victim of fate, the universe, and those bad mean men and women out there. Or is it?

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    1. No, you are so full of yourself that you make me want to throw up.

      Go on with your pseudo liberals theories and pscho pop, Ms know it all.

      You are not worth a second glance.

      Keep listening to the sound of your own voice.

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      1. Bak,
        Remember, all advice is free for a reason. Just because she (Clarissa, in this case) says it doesn’t make it true or necessarily useful. Your free at any time to say, “Yeah, thanks but no thanks.”

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  10. Clarissa :I think I’m starting to realize why people are getting so aggressive about this topic. It’s the suggestion that their personal misery is created only and entirely by them because they need it and want it, right?
    Yes, it’s so much sweeter to feel a victim of fate, the universe, and those bad mean men and women out there. Or is it?

    I gave you all the reasons why I am not meeting anyone and it’s not because of the universe. But you ignored it totally, just to go on with your theory.

    You like to point fingers at people and you think it somehow enlighten you to spit on people for no reasons.

    Deal with the reaction. Yo got what you wanted it anyway.

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  11. Now I’m skeptical about any kind of algorithm or method or whatever for improving one’s romantic prospects but it is pretty sound advice to say that if you keep trying and getting rejected to the point of turning bitter and self-pitying then it’s probably a good time to check and change as necessary your crowd, attitude, behavior, personal grooming, and/or expectations.

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      1. That’s the first case of requited love for me. But beware, I saw many relationships that I thought during many years that this was a requited love, but I discovered that this was not really the case.

        Generally (I don’t pretend that this is non-existent), there’s always a dominant lover in a stable relationship.

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  12. “Do you meet people who attract you on a regular basis?”

    Yes

    “Do you meet people who are interesting on a regular basis?”

    No

    “Do the people you find attractive normally find you attractive, too? ”

    No

    “Do the people you find interesting normally find you interesting, too?”

    Yes

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  13. “Somebody in my family is thinking about moving to Texas from Montreal. I’m not getting that at all, to be honest.”

    Maybe because the economic situation in Montreal is a mess comparing with Texas.

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    1. “Maybe because the economic situation in Montreal is a mess comparing with Texas.”

      – I find that very hard to believe. Quebec was barely touched by the economic crisis in comparison with the US. And my relative is Hispanic, which makes Texas not a very good place for him.

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        1. You need to remember that Rick Perry, the governor of Texas, has been disseminating erroneous statistics on the unemployment figuers in the state. I wouldn’t trust this guy as far as I can throw him.

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    2. Shoot. We don’t know nothin bout no economic situation round these parts, fella. Best be moseyin away long the plain. I hear they got somethin like that up over in Colorado or somewheres yonder.

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  14. “You need to remember that Rick Perry, the governor of Texas, has been disseminating erroneous statistics on the unemployment figuers in the state. I wouldn’t trust this guy as far as I can throw him.”

    I know, but Texas is better than Québec right now.

    However, Texas is not a great choice now, espacially for fucking latinos! 😉

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    1. Texas is better than dick-all.

      “housing is way cheaper in Texas than in Montreal right now.”

      Yeah cuz no one kewl would live here if they had a choice. [Except maybe in Austin, which is still our island of sanity but is gentrifying with scenester yuppies out the wazoo.]

      Wasn’t this thread about dating or something?

      Like

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