Expressions that really bug me are “children of broken families” or “children from broken homes.”
These expressions are always used by really officious stupid jerks who have a huge stick shoved up their asses and who feel the need to judge others in order to relieve the misery their pathetic personal lives bring them.
In the warped minds of these idiots, “a child of a broken family” is not the miserable kid whose parents only pretend to tolerate each other for the sake of appearances and who, in the meanwhile, saddle the child with an intolerable guilt s/he will carry for life. For such officious prudes, “a child of a broken home” is a person whose parents have terminated an unfulfilling relationship and have found happiness away from each other.
Clarissa's Blog 
When I hear the term “a single mother”, I wonder: is she really single in most cases? Don’t such women in most/numerous (?) cases move to live with their parents, so that the children are raised by grandparents too?
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I’ve never heard of such cases. Normally, people rebuild their personal lives with a new partner, not with their parents after a divorce. 🙂
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“They had a meeting for functional families and only two showed up. They were both in denial”. 😉
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I get it’s a joke, but disagree with it 🙂
I was raised by my mother and her parents, and our family was (both grandparents are dead now) not only functional, but extremely good. I was fortunate to feel love & security at home, to share my thoughts freely with all relatives and be loved & respected as a person. My relatives invested a lot to help me with my school studies too, incouraged love for reading, which they shared, etc. Many children from 2 parent families can’t say this.
I guess if we stop seeing “traditional” mother + father + child(ren) family as the only ideal and start including f.e. gay couples (which is great imo), I don’t see why my family was inferior in any important way. Because of my life experience I view a father as one more relative and, of course, it’s great to have many good relatives, but one can be functional without him too. I don’t understand from pov of feelings why some people would view me as from a “problematic” family because of no father, but they’re fine with no such grandmother as I had f.e.
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In case I didn’t make it clear, functional family for me means some economic means (and not children without school books or even hungry), love & mutual respect, emotional security, wanting to come home at the end of the day and feeling happy, not lonely there.
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el
Beautiful sounding family, good for you! I had many of those aspects too, unfortunately there were some others that didnt quite live up to the functional part. 😦
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“the miserable kid whose parents only pretend to tolerate each other for the sake of appearances and who, in the meanwhile, saddle the child with an intolerable guilt s/he will carry for life” – how did you describe my parents so well? I literally was the only thing holding my family together (the “peacekeeper” if you will) growing up – I didn’t realize it until after I left for college, when my dad, who had been planning to divorce after my younger sister left the home, walked out because he couldn’t deal with it anymore, since I wasn’t there to keep things peaceful. *sigh* My whole family blames the divorce on my leaving. Can you say guilt? I know it’s not all my fault, but still…
Incidentally, I feel like the phrase “children of broken home/family” is used far too often to excuse bad behavior. And that is very frustrating. In my case, because my family was so eff-ed up, I became more responsible and grown up. I acted out LESS because the punishments were so much worse. Then again, I’m not neurotypical. Maybe it’s different for them.
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“how did you describe my parents so well”
– Because, unfortunately, this is a very wide-spread phenomenon. 😦
“My whole family blames the divorce on my leaving. Can you say guilt? ”
– That’s tragic. This is why I’m saying that assigning to a child a responsibility for the parents’ marriage is a burden that is too heavy for anyone to carry.
As usual, people want easy recipes and easy answers. Don’t get divorced = children will be blissfully happy. But life is a lot more complex than that. There are children of divorced families who a lot more functional than children of people who did not get divorced. And vice versa, of course.
I believe that it’s crucial for all children to observe their parents having happy personal lives because, without that, they will have no model to follow in their own personal lives when they grow up.
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“I believe that it’s crucial for all children to observe their parents having happy personal lives because, without that, they will have no model to follow in their own personal lives when they grow up.”
This is so very true. I have real no idea what a functional adult relationship looks like, though I can guess from observing my older friends who are in happy ones. Part of me wonders if the reason I have no desire for a relationship (of any sort) is because I never had an example of what a relationship is like, so I don’t know how to have one. I don’t think this is the case, but it may play into it.
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// they will have no model to follow in their own personal lives
I never understand what you mean by it: to want a relationship in the 1st place? communication skills? how to treat another right? how to fight not destructively? Aren’t there several models for happy family life and you may want something else for yourself than your parents had, even if they’re happy together? F.e. equal devision of housework.
May be to be a model means how to let another person in your life at all and become friends? How is it supposed to happen, if you don’t have friends and feel no need, but do want a partner? Is sexual attraction supposed to smooth the way? The question remains how much it will be able to help. Please, can you post on the topic?
My questions seem very basic, but judging by my & E’s comments they aren’t such for many.
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If one hasn’t seen on a daily basis how a loving couple acts, interacts, negotiates, solves conflicts, and simply coexists in love and sexual harmony, one cannot then create something one hasn’t ever seen in adulthood. You have to start from scratch, and that is extremely hard.
To give an example, I will be 36 frakking years old in less than a month. I’ve had a very intense personal life. And I’m still only just figuring out that if my husband and I had a heated discussion of Krugman’s views on the causes of the recession, this does not mean we hate each other, we are horrible people, the relationship is over, and we need to contact divorce lawyers. (That’s a real story from 4 days ago.).
Everything is a revelation for people who have no model and start from scratch. And I feel that I’m way too old for epiphanies of the “So we can disagree about Krugman and that’s not a big deal for the relationship” kind.
And for a long time, I did sabotage every relationship I had because I couldn’t imagine, say, going grocery shopping together every weekend without turning it into a huge drama and a humongous fight. And it’s like that with everything.
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As for wishing to depart from the model of one’s parents, one can wish and wish and then still discover that one has recreated the model one has observed in childhood to a T. Departing from that model takes an incredible amount of work. And the very first step is to recognize that the model exists and that one is conditioned to recreate it.
An example: my model is a domineering woman and a man eager to please her by any means possible. Once I have stated that to myself honestly and concisely, I can begin the daily work of changing it towards something healthier. Every time I catch myself in the desire to say “Just do what I said RIGHT NOW”, I stop and take a step back. That’s a daily effort on both sides because this is the model we both share, otherwise we wouldn’t have ended up together.
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Of course, people might also discover that they dig the model they inherited. So they need to change nothing, and good for them.
This is why after figuring out the model, one should list everything that is positive and negative about it and make a decision based on that. But that takes a lot of honesty. Who wants to admit that they are a domineering bitch who tramples every live creature in her view into the ground?
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Also, about not needing friends. N has no friends and absolutely no need for any. That’s just how he is. I can see that he’s really happy without them. But he has a very happy marriage with me. 🙂 So there isn’t any real connection between having friends and a partner.
Sorry for so many comments. I’m on a bus and I can only answer in this format.
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//If one hasn’t seen on a daily basis how a loving couple acts, interacts… To give an example, I will be 36 frakking years old in less than a month … people who have no model and start from scratch. And I feel that I’m way too old …
Sorry, if it’s too private (?), but your parents didn’t divorce and you do have a model, even if want to change parts of it. Why say that you don’t have a model? Is it less hard than divorced parents’ situation? Don’t many people want to change at least some parts of their parents’ model since they aren’t carbon copies of parents in every aspect?
Do you mean by “have a model” – “have a perfect for you model”? Very few people have it, then, whether their parents divorced or not.
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“Sorry, if it’s too private (?), but your parents didn’t divorce and you do have a model, even if want to change parts of it. Why say that you don’t have a mode”
– Everybody has a model. But not everybody has a model of “how a loving couple acts, interacts, negotiates, solves conflicts, and simply coexists in love and sexual harmony.” There is a huge variety of models and this is just one of them.
“Is it less hard than divorced parents’ situation?”
– The divorce itself is immaterial. What matters is whether one has had a chance to observe their parents being romatically and sexually happy. Whether they achieve that happiness together or with other people is unimportant.
“Don’t many people want to change at least some parts of their parents’ model since they aren’t carbon copies of parents in every aspect?”
– Just wanting it is REALLY not enough.
An example. A woman (beautiful, brilliant, successful) is raising a kid on her own and is constantly getting dumped by one guy after another. Her son grows up. He is a great guy (beautiful, brilliant, successful) and all he wants is to get married and have kids. Yet, every woman he meets just uses him and dumps him. He’s 36, he’s getting desperate. There are crowds of women in the world who want exactly what he does. Yet, he doesn’t meet them. He keeps meeting women who will help him replay the learned scenario of getting perennially dumped. I dont have a feeling that his motehr really suffered in this model but he is suffering. Yet, the scenario is stronger than he is.
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One of my friends’ parents put off divorce ‘for the children’ even though they *knew* it was inevitable. The father had come out as being gay. They kept his sexuality a ‘secret’ – of course the kids knew, kids are extremely astute observers of their parents – and stayed married for years horribly traumatizing the kids.
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That’s precisely the thing. Children always know everything. And when a child asks a question (I mean, an important, difficult question, not “Mommy, is there any more ice-cream?”), she or he already knows the answer and is simply trying to gauge whether a parent is capable of being honest.
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// my model is a domineering woman and a man eager to please her by any means possible. … this is the model we both share, otherwise we wouldn’t have ended up together.
It’s a pretty healthy model to begin with imo. I can think of so *much* worse things.
Interesting at which point of dating you can see the model other person shares and how.
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“It’s a pretty healthy model to begin with imo.”
– You are so mistaken. That is a model where the sex life dies within months. Where the man becomes infantilized and incapable of solving any issue at all without the woman. Where the woman is mothering her own husband. Believe me, I’ve played that game many times, so I should know. 😦
“Interesting at which point of dating you can see the model other person shares and how.”
– You see it immediately. Which doesn’t mean you can verbalize it immediately or ever. We don’t even notice people who are not part of our model to begin with. Example: I know that men who make mean comments about their female partners’ appearance and figure exist. I’ve heard many times that they exist, so I guess they really do. I, however, have not met such men. They don’t exist in my world. So I have to make a huge effort to understand my friend who tells me, “My boyfriend said that I’ve gained some weight and maybe I should exercising to avoid getting any fatter.” It’s like she tells me a story from a different planet.
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Had a thought: a patriarchal ideal is a domineering man and a woman eager to please him. Does sex die there too? And, if not, why would this work only in 1 direction?
//We don’t even notice people who are not part of our model to begin with
How can one train oneself to change a model, notice diff. people?
Is it even possible?
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“Had a thought: a patriarchal ideal is a domineering man and a woman eager to please him. Does sex die there too?”
– Of course! Who do you think visits prostitutes all the time and has official mistresses? Patriarchs live this kind of life in every country in the world. Women in such relationships have as little sexual interest in their husbands as the husbands of domineering women have in their wives. So the cheating ensues.
“How can one train oneself to change a model, notice diff. people? Is it even possible?”
– The good news: yes, it is possible. And I’m a great example that it is possible, even though I’m a work in progress. 🙂
As I said, the very first step is to figure out what one’s model is and make a list of all its pluses and minuses. Preferably in writing. One will need to overcome one’s own resistance when one does that. The resistance is normally huge. When people first suggested to me what my model was, I barked at them viciously. In the end, though, I have managed to realize that they were right and now I’m profoundly grateful to them.
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//Yet, every woman he meets just uses him and dumps him
What if his mother would be alone all this time?
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“What if his mother would be alone all this time?”
– Then he’d have trouble meeting any women at all, even the ones who’d dump him eventually. Like his mother, however, he has no problem meeting women. He learned how to do that from the mother’s example. But he can’t manage to keep them around. 😦
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Clarissa, you’ve mentioned that your mother has been a housewife for decades. So, how can a person who is totally dependent financially be a domineering partner?
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Easy peasy. 🙂
It happens a lot, too. I know several families where the only partner who works has to beg for an allowance to buy a can of beer.
It’s all about the scenario and not about who actually has the money.
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It’s all about the scenario and not about who actually has the money.(Clarissa)
Money can be a tool of power but as we both know it isnt where the power actually lies. I know tons of women who are the power in the relationship and they dont even work, well not in the traditional sense. 😉 easy peasy, lol.
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“Money can be a tool of power but as we both know it isnt where the power actually lies. I know tons of women who are the power in the relationship and they dont even work, well not in the traditional sense.”
– That’s exactly what I’m saying! It’s nice to be so well understood. 🙂
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I know a couple where the wife works very hard, practically supports the whole family and feels guilty that about 30(!) years ago she didn’t make her husband go into the right profession. The husband tries hard but makes very little.
Now, guess who is always unhappy and yelling? Right, that would be the guy. At the same time, he tells her everything, every single, tiny detail of his day, of his conversations with others, and his thoughts. He is very kind but difficult to be around. So, who do you think is domineering partner here and how can a person feel guilty for thirty years?
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“So, who do you think is domineering partner here”
– You are describing a relationship type that is called “a symbiotic couple.” Such couples are unbreakable, no matter how much they fight and torture each other. Outsiders can wonder for decades why such people are still together but the truth is that they both really need the symbiosis.
“and how can a person feel guilty for thirty years?”
– If they have a profound internal need to feel guilty, they will stoke those sentiments for as long as they live. Only they can say what internal need the guilt is fulfilling.
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Their daughter is one of my closest friends and I’m a bit worried about her now.
She is in her early forties, has been married for ten years and desperately wants a child. At the same time, she is afraid that she’ll be verbally and emotionally abusive like her dad.
I think that she’ll be an excellent mother and keep telling her that.
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I think that if one has such fears on one’s own account, they are not baseless. It’s great that she realizes that this possibility exists, that’s a huge step forward already. But the truth is that without hard work, one does slip into the familiar model no matter how much one wants to escape it on a conscious level.
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She was raised by her maternal grandparents on the West Coast while her
parents worked in Canada. As a small child she went back and forth several
times but couldn’t get used to the cold climate. Then, she started school
in Canada, lived with her parents there for two years while always getting sick,
and finally, they moved back to the West Coast.
I think that having two sets of parents, moving so much during early years,
and especially starting school in a new environment was very traumatic.
As per family scenario, while her mom always worked very hard she has
been a housewife for ten years and says that she didn’t get married to
work like a dog.
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No, I didn’t really have a model and I’m doing more than fine. My guy and I implicitly understand each other as we have the same temperament and character. So if we really, really disagree, I am likely to say to him, “Well, that’s because you’re just an ape!” This means, I don’t really care if we disagree; that it’s quite meaningless, and I’m prepared to get on with life.
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“No, I didn’t really have a model and I’m doing more than fine.”
– Everybody has some sort of a model, even if they were brought up like Mowgli. 🙂
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I wouldn’t say so. My parents are very conservative, whereas I am the opposite. I guess my model would be based on friendship, if I had a model. It’s not based on my parents’ relationship.
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My parents aren’t divorced so I don’t know what it’s like to be from a “broken home” but I’m of the opinion it could be better than being from a strife filled home.
One of my friends from elementary school, who is still a friend, had parents divorce when we were in late high school and she is against it. She has a good marriage and so doesn’t have to think about it, but she and all her siblings are against divorce in principle because of the emotional cost to the kids, they say.
It’s hard to tell what to think.
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It’s sad when adult people want to think that their parents’ sexuality should belong to the children.
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That’s an interesting way to think of it.
Check out this couple I know, who keep saying like a mantra “people are married for all kinds of reasons besides sex, you know. It’s the companionship, really it is,” and repeat, repeat, repeat.
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That’s not a spouse, then, that’s a roommate. 🙂
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Clarissa, your thoughts on family models really fascinate me! I grew up with just my mom and never grew up with an appropriate ‘couple model’. So, in my dating past I’ve experimented wildly with different models to hilarious effect, I must admit.
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